Yesterday afternoon my (33F) partner (30M) was showing me something on his phone, saying he couldn't sign into something so I thought I'd try help him. Well, I tried backing out so I could go to the main page (his phone is really annoying and not very accessible; theres no back button, etc) but ended up backing out completely so clicked on the Google widget bar to type it in and saw some recent searches that I was very shocked by. Porn searches.
I felt sick to my stomach. Like I was going to vomit. My heart started racing. He had left the room briefly and left me with his phone and when he came back I tried to act like nothing was wrong. As we had both been on our phones I just grabbed mine and mindlessly started scrolling on YouTube. He went back to playing on his phone and was none the wiser.
A few hours later I couldn't bear it any longer and decided to confront him. At first I asked if he had let anyone use his phone recently. He said no. Then I told him about what I had found. He then said that yes, he had leant someone his phone – to watch porn and wank off. This sounded a bit convenient to me. Yet I know the person he mentioned and it wouldn't be surprising. But the searches were for things like "real gb anal," "teen ballgag dp," "real emo dp," "goth teen dp," etc. This stood out to me because he's really into anal and he's brought up ballgags a few times. The fact that the these are such specific things that he likes is suspicious.
Strangely when I asked to look through his phone he asked me to stop and let us "just enjoy ourselves for a while." Kind of hard for me to enjoy myself when all I can think about is how he might have lied to me throughout our whole relationship. I did manage to go through a little of his search history before he got me to put it away and I found nothing. Yet I want to do some further digging. But if he is hiding something he's probably deleted it by now. Later I asked him again if I could go through his phone (as earlier he'd said I could) and he begrudgingly plopped it on the bed. But I just didn't feel up to it then. And at that point he'd had plenty of time to cover his tracks as hours had gone by.
Now, the reason all this bothers me is because throughout our 2 year relationship he has been adamant that he doesn't watch porn. He has told me that he used to be addicted to it from a young age and that later on as an adult he would only watch porn where he could tell that the women were "dead in the eyes," according to him. He could only derive pleasure if they were inwardly miserable, regardless of how much they seen to be enjoying it. He told me that he gave it up because of how disgusting it made him feel and how disgusting the women in porn are.
Another issue I have with this is that he has continued to judge me for my past. I have had.. well, lots of experience to say the least. I was also slightly into the kink scene (fetlife, BDSM, etc) when we first started dating and was looking into becoming a sex worker. He often brings this up and harps on about it. And I tell him, well you knew that going into this relationship. He tells me that he just didn't believe me otherwise he wouldn't have gone for me. Well, I never ended up doing sex work (he talked me out of it and now I believe it would have been wrong to do) and he has pretty much shamed me about my past. More often than not when we argue he resorts to calling me a "whore." Despite me having had no such qualms about it before. I used to be very confident and open about my sex life and wasn't ashamed at all. The thing is… he has slept with way more people than I have. Yet somehow I am the gross one 🤷♀️
Anyways, the reason this all shocked me… and if I must admit, would hurt me so much if I found out he has been lying and secretly watching porn, is that he vilifies women in the sex industry. Whenever we see those "bro" or redpill podcasts on YT, he often makes comments about how yuck the women are. How disgusting it is. He acts like he has such traditional values despite never having acted on them. If he hadn't of gone on about how vile porn is and how gross my past is throughout our whole relationship and been so adamantly against it, then I wouldn't feel so dejected.
The most ridiculous thing is that I don't have anything against watching porn. I used to be chronically online myself, as a teen, and watched a lot of adult content. Only women (I'm bi and happen to find women more attractive) but that's besides the point. I've had partners and friends with benefits that I've watched porn with. One friend used to do me while I watched content I liked while he solely focused on me 😅 I have brought this up with my current partner… and he's been so against it. Saying that if it gets to the point where we need porn to spice up our sex life then our sex life is pretty much dead at that point. He's also fairly against sex toys. I have some (that I've had before him) and he's never wanted to use them on/with me. And he's questioned whether we need to… whether he's enough. Just to set the record straight, he is. He's one of the best partners I've ever had; well, best lover. He's so attentive and wonderful in bed. He's made "things" happen for me that haven't happened with any other man (orgasm by penetration for one; basically many firsts) and which haven't happened with women I've had the pleasure of being with. I guess the only thing he kind of complains about is that we don't have anal as much as we used to (my IBS and chronic illness has gotten worse over the last year) and that he can't be as rough with me as he used to (hair pulling cause my scalp is too sensitive now, choking, etc). But other than that, despite us not being able to have sex as often because of my illnesses, we still have great sex.
I'm just remembering the thing about the ball gag again… so yeah, suspicious, as he's mentioned wanting to get one a few times. And mentioned how his ex and him used to get into that. Also, I am alternative (have piercings, used to be scene/emo, etc), so the searches are just too close to home. Like it's weird how specific they are. And when I asked him about that he just shrugged it off saying that plenty of people are into those things. Just weird that him and this guy he supposedly lent the phone to happen to have similar interests (to be honest I don't really know what my partner used to watch because while he may have those interests with me, it could be completely different to his tastes in adult content).
Sorry for rambling… I'm having trouble expressing my thoughts into one coherent train. I guess… I don't know how to feel. If he has been lying after all the things he's said… then he's a hypocritical jerk. We have had other issues in the relationship that we are working through… and I'll probably forgive him for this anyways. But if it's true it will hurt so much if he's been lying. I even told him that its not that he watched porn, it's that he's lying about it (if he is). I've told him if he wants to watch it, just be honest and say "hey, I feel like watching some porn." And then go do your thing. I'm very open minded (funny, as in my teens I was a bit of a prude lol) so as long as we get to watch porn when I'd like to, together (or while he's going down on me), or in my own time, I have no issue with it. However I do have an issue with lying about it. Especially after everything he's said from day 1 of our relationship.
I don't know what I expect from reddit. And I know I've been rambling off. Sorry. I just want to vent to someone anonymously and maybe get some advice or opinions from a 3rd perspective. Am I overreacting? Is it possible he could be lying or am I seeing too much into it? I'm ashamed to even be posting this. It hurts. I don't know what to think or do… if I should do anything at all 😔
TLDR
I found Google searches for porn after my partner of 2 years has harped on about how vile porn is and the women in it are. Not to mention how judgemental he is about my colorful past. He used to be a porn addict but has been adamant that he has no interest in it at all. He has blamed it on an acquaintance borrowing his phone. As lame of an excuse as that is, it's actually believable… if it weren't for the specifics of the searches. Where do I even go from here?