I’m in my 40s, so I remember the emergence of online dating. Back then it was almost entirely website based, and it was brutal in a way people today don’t fully grasp.
Not all of it was bad. People tended to be more straightforward, where sometimes you got silence, sometimes you were rejected outright and at times people even told you exactly why they weren’t interested.
What often gets forgotten is that those early sites had almost no safeguards. I don’t remember any reporting options, and moderation was nonexistent. Even though today’s apps aren’t perfect, back then it was closer to the wild west. There was far more anonymity because profiles weren’t tied to verified photos, social media accounts, or phone numbers the way they are now.
If you were average or below average in looks (as I was), there were groups of people who would message you purely to insult you and provoke a reaction. I suppose their goal wasn’t dating but entertainment. They’d screenshot your response and post it in private groups to laugh about it. I experienced this from women, but I’m sure it wasn’t exclusive to men. I have no doubt women dealt with similar behavior.
I remember receiving unprompted messages attacking my appearance, how I dressed, or just trying to get under my skin. I’m not particularly reactive or insecure, so I didn’t give them what they wanted. In one case, I even ran into one of these women in person at an event after she failed to rattle me online. She recognized me and tried again, only to get visibly angry when I still didn’t react.
Another woman eventually messaged me outright, explaining that she and her friends enjoyed upsetting people and posting the reactions in a Facebook group they were part of. It was openly cruel and completely normalized in those spaces. Perhaps it being new and the anonymous nature made people feel it wasn’t real.
Modern dating apps can absolutely chip away at your self-worth, especially when rejection feels algorithmic and impersonal. But it’s worth remembering that as flawed as today’s systems are, they’re nowhere near as brutal as the early days, when online dating existed in a largely unmoderated, anonymous free-for-all.