I’m 27 (M) and in my first serious relationship. My girlfriend is 30 (F). We’ve been officially together about 5–6 months, but we’ve known each other for over a year. Overall, the relationship has been good, but there’s one ongoing issue that’s been really hard for me: her wandering eye.
I first noticed it early on, even on one of our first dates. It’s not constant or with every person we pass, but occasionally she’ll do a double take or hold eye contact with another guy long enough for me to notice. When it happens, it really affects me. I feel hurt, my mood shifts immediately, and I tend to shut down.
I’ve brought it up twice. The first time was about two months ago, and it was our first serious conversation about it. She took it well and said she’d be more mindful. There was some improvement, but about a month ago I noticed it happening again. When I mentioned it the second time, she became more defensive and said she wasn’t aware she was doing it. She also mentioned having ADHD, though from my perspective, the attention seems pretty specific and only toward very attractive men, which makes that explanation hard for me to understand.
Last night, we went out again, and I noticed it happening once more, this time more discreetly. At this point, I feel stuck. I’ve already communicated how much this affects me, and I don’t want to keep bringing it up and sounding controlling or insecure. At the same time, I don’t see myself being able to accept this long-term. To me, it feels disrespectful, even if it’s not intentional.
I genuinely love and appreciate her, and I don’t think she’s acting maliciously. But I’m starting to feel confused, invalidated, and honestly a bit gaslit, because what I’m experiencing doesn’t seem to match how she describes it. I’m torn between trying to compromise and let it go, or recognizing that this might be a boundary I can’t move past. I’m at a point where I’m seriously questioning whether this is something I can continue with, even though I care deeply about her. Any advice?