I’m a 30F, married to my husband (33M) for four years, together for almost nine. We met young, grew up together, and I truly believed we were solid. Not perfect, but loyal.
About a year ago, he started talking about a woman at work. At first it was harmless—she was “funny,” “easy to talk to,” “gets his sense of humor.” I didn’t think much of it. I trusted him, and I didn’t want to be that wife.
Over time, her name came up more. He’d bring her up when telling stories, compare her reactions to mine, even defend her when I jokingly said she sounded annoying. I noticed he smiled at his phone more often, but whenever I asked, he said it was work stuff.
One night, he fell asleep before me and left his phone unlocked. I know snooping is wrong, but something in my gut wouldn’t let me sleep. I didn’t find explicit messages. No flirting, no sexting. What I found was worse.
Long conversations. Deep ones. He told her things he’s never told me—how he feels like a failure, how marriage feels heavy sometimes, how he misses feeling admired. She reassured him. Complimented him. Told him he deserved more appreciation.
There was a message from her that said, “If things were different, I think we would’ve been really good together.”
He replied, “I think about that too.”
When I confronted him, he swore nothing physical happened. He said she’s just someone who understands him, and that I’ve been distant lately. He told me I’m making it into something it’s not and that emotional connection doesn’t equal cheating.
Now he says I’m asking him to cut off the only person who makes him feel heard. He wants counseling, but also wants to “stay friends” with her. He says forcing him to choose will only make things worse.
I feel like I’m competing with a ghost. A version of him that only exists with her. I don’t know if I’m being insecure or if I’m already being replaced emotionally.
I still love my husband. But I don’t know how to be okay knowing another woman knows his inner world better than I do.
Is this something marriages recover from… or is this already the beginning of the end?