TLDR: basically exactly what the title says: Me and my boyfriend were separated for about 6 weeks, and in that time he hooked up with one of our mutual friends multiple times. Struggling with this moral gray area and trying to move past it.
Me (26F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been together for almost a year, but have been friends for longer and share a friend group because of a restaurant we both worked in. We were briefly broken up for about six weeks, but still communicating (saying i miss you, coordinating pick ups for our things, checking up on each other, etc.).
We’ve been back together for about three months now, and everything was going great. However, last night I went to a party hosted by one of our mutual friends, and, after many drinks, someone in our friend group revealed to me that she and my boyfriend had hooked up several times while we were broken up. I was immediately shocked and so hurt, as well as humiliated because I had just been ranting about my “amazing boyfriend” all night. Everyone in the friend group knew about this but me, and I was so embarrassed.
I’m not mad at the girl, as she’s not a super close friend of mine and didn’t really know what was going on between us (we had to keep our relationship under wraps for a long time because of work). What I’m most mad about is the fact that when me and my boyfriend got back together, we specifically had a conversation about who we saw when we were apart, and he said he didn’t go on any dates or hook up with anyone. I was honest, and said that I had a date lined up with a guy I was talking to on a dating app, which I later cancelled out of respect for my relationship.
I’m angry, I’m embarrassed, and I’m so upset, not only because he slept with someone else, not only because he lied, but also because he chose someone I knew, and our friend group is changed forever. It hurts every time I think about them together, but I can’t stop picturing it. He also currently works with this girl, so I know they’ll keep seeing each other, even outside of the friend group, there’s just no way out of that.
I know he technically didn’t cheat, and I do love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else, but I’m not sure this is something I can move past. Has anyone else ever dealt with a similar situation? I’m just struggling with the moral grey area of it all and don’t know what to do, or even about how to start a conversation with him.
26 comments
>> …but I’m not sure this something I can move past.
Call it quits.
He flat out lied to your face. He let you be humiliated. He could have told you when you asked him to be honest. I’d be done.
It wouldn’t be a moral gray area if he hadn’t lied about it to you.
Even if it was a total stranger, he should’ve disclosed it if you guys were having that conversation. But knowing that he would frequently see this person and the fact your friends knew, he should’ve 100% let you know. Very disrespectful and cowardly to keep it from you.
That was cheating in spirit and lying by omission. He knows it and you know it. Cheaters and liars cheat and lie. If that’s alright with you stick around.
I think you know your answer :/
“Struggling with this moral gray area and trying to move past it.”
Why do you have to move past it?
……if that would have been a deal breaker when getting back together it should be an even bigger one now since he didnt let you know a hid that from you.
He lied to you. What else is he lying about? Why did he think a lie was necessary? What else is he willing to lie about? You deserve better than this. Call it and move on.
If it’s something you cannot move on with, it’s time to end it.
If it were me, I absolutely would NOT care that we were “technically broken up.” I would be done, in my opinion it’s over. Especially since it was a mutual friend and not even a stranger to you. That’s awful and so hurtful
It is time to be done. Neither of them is a relationship worth keeping.
Just break up with him. You were just separated for 6 weeks and already done that with someone else? In addition to that, he lied to you about it. He is not an honest person, break up with him before he hurts you more with his dishonesty.
I would call it quits
It’s over. Because he lied. And to make matters worse, everyone knew except you. That kinda mistrust is gonna be soo hard to shake off.
Although technically it wasn’t cheating and he was free to do whatever or whoever he wanted there is almost a universal law that you don’t hook up with another group member or someone with whom you may be in close contact. That’s a simple matter of respect and saving one from embarrassment ,especially if there is chance you may get together again.
But if this situation happens,and more often than not it does,you should at least have the courtesy to let your partner know up front so as in your case you would not be blindsided and made a fool of. Again,he lied to you,subjected youbto humiliation with your social group,and now has broken the trust you were trying to rebuild into a relationship. Is this really the person you wantbto be with, does he have feelings for the one he hooked up with,and what will that be like.
Time to say goodbye to him, before he further damages your pride and your heart.
Yeah just break up with him. He did you dirty. So did your friend. If you stay it’ll just keep eating at you and you’ll never be able to trust him again.
i’m pretty sure your boyfriend is aware it’s not a morally grey, and that it was totally wrong… hence why he lied to you to your face about it. i couldn’t move past this personally!
I’d be so done
Ok… the sex while broken up? Thats understandable… you were broken up. The lie? Ya… no. Relationships cant be built on lies.
If he didn’t think he did anything wrong he would have had no issue telling you. Your bf isn’t amazing, he lied for months, he slept with someone that he knew you wouldn’t be ok with. Just because it’s not “technically cheating” doesn’t make it ok.
I would be making that break permanent.
I’d bet money that the girl told you this to break you up. Do with that what you will.
The only way I could see you getting past this would be with a complete change of scenery. New jobs, new friends, maybe a new city. But there’s no escaping this if you intend to keep things the same and ultimately, it will make you crazy. I would move on.
Where’s the Friends GIF of Ross saying we were on a break.
Even if the act of sleeping with a mutual friend while you were broken up *wouldn’t* be a dealbreaker (which it should be, in my opinion), him lying about it outright makes it a dealbreaker. He didn’t just forget to mention it. He lied. He lied because he knew it was wrong and he knew you would be upset, possibly enough to make getting back together impossible.
Please don’t stay with him. Relationships are built on trust, and they’re supposed to be easy. You shouldn’t be fighting and breaking up in the first year. Move on.
It’s not that he slept with someone else while you were broken up, it’s that he didn’t tell you when you got back together. That’s not ok
He didn’t cheat but he hid that information for a reason and that is not to protect you. Will you be able to trust him to be truthful to you? If not, break up.
he still lied to your face when he said that “he didn’t hook up or go on any dates” because he knew that that would affect y’all getting back together
Please end things now before you get embarrassed, bamboozled, blindsided, and rug-pulled again