My husband and I have been married ten years and gad very little intimacy during that time. There's been nothing for over two years. Maybe 10 times throughout my whole 30s. I have been trying to work on the marriage but he has repeatedly withdrawn emotionally and I'm starting to realise he has been emotionally abusive towards me for a long time. A few weeks ago he got a phone call from a women on a Saturday night and I got suspicious since I always assumed he had a low libido.
I decided to see if I could find anything in his messages and had a look through his laptop. I have never done this becaus I didn't feel right but something changed my thinking this time. He uses incognito mode by default but I checked his internet history and oh my gosh, I was away one weekend and he had the kids and he was on stripchat and chaturbate. He's been watching JOI videos which I had to google and it feels so intimate and cheating coded. That's just the times he forgot to use incognito mode. I have had sex maybe 10 times in my whole 30s and I am so hurt and angry. A few months a go we had a charge for only fans on a credit card and he made a big deal about it being a fraudulent charge but now I don't know.
Just had to get it out and feel for you all going through this. I almost wish he just an affair this feels so seedy. We are seperating anyway but I wonder if I should confront him or not? Is it even worth it?
8 comments
I am sorry that you have accepted this relationship for this long. A good therapist could help you understand why you settled for a man you aren’t intimate with. I am sorry he’s been lying to you but I’m even more sorry you have allowed yourself to stay in a marriage without intimacy.
Since you are already separating just move on and live your best life. He sounds pathetic.
I don’t think it’s worth confronting. Both of you have checked out from the marriage on your own ways and the only right thing to do right now is for both of you to admit you equally played a role in the deterioration of the relationship. Whether that accountability will help reconcile your marriage is another story. But he needs to stop lying to himself about his feelings towards you, and whatever you are responsible for needs to be talked about as well.
It’s been 10 years of this pattern, it’s not realistic to expect change. Go on with your life in whatever way you choose (if that’s divorce than go for it) and let him choose his own way.
I would just keep that info up your sleeve, forget about him, focus on yourself. Go get a good lawyer, a good therapist and a good lay. x
He doesn’t need to know anything other than we are done.
Sex 10 times only in your 30s. Girl there is no sex in heaven. I am glad your separating. You deserve better and fullness of life.
Do you not tell him and ask you need and want more intimancy and ask him directly what’s the reason he doesn’t give it to you . The only way to sort it out was save the marriage is talk about it to each other.