39M and the breadwinner of the house. Young kids dont listen to me. Wife doesnt listen to my advice and would follow her relative’s advise instead. Stressed and not loved. Do i have to work at home too get a little bit of respect?

42 comments

1. Sounds like yet another dude who married someone he’s incompatible with and is complaining about it

2. Go see a therapist, not Reddit

3. Mate. You’re in an unhappy marriage and have been for years by the sounds of it. Is this how you want the next 20 years to be?

4. Go to a therapist. If you can’t afford one then start communicating more with your wife. Do not be antagonistic. Use I-statements. The only way this gets better is through communicating, an respectful communication. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your marriage won’t be saved in a day. If you work on this together and refuse to give up, or take cheap shots at your partner it will get better.

   You have to calmly communicate your feelings, and try to meet your wife half way.

5. You seem to think that you should be in charge of everything because you’re the “breadwinner.” That’s not really how it works.

6. Respect is earned and if you treat it as something you’re entitled to you won’t get it. You’ll sound like king Joffrey in GOT screaming about being the king.

7. Man this sounds shitty for ya man. Many people choose not to have a family in fear of being in this situation. I would probably recommend couples counseling so you guys are in a controlled environment where you can state what bothers you and have a non biased opinion from the therapist so SHE can hear someone validating your point of view. Instead of you just telling her and her not listening.  Hope things get better for ya man.

8. To play devil’s advocate, is impulsive good? I’m saying this as someone who’s diagnosed ADHD, and it comes with impulsivity. Things I’ve said, spent, or done through impulsivity have come with immense regrets.

   Has any of this been communicated?

9. I doubt this is the full story and is just your cherry picked list that you are using to get affirmation from reddit.

10. Cut right back on your work hours and start doing half the housework and childcare and try and push her back into working. Hopefully you won’t get thrashed in the divorce.

11. Don’t ask me. It’s her life. I just work here. 

12. I think a part of this issue that requires some further info- am I reading correctly that she is the landlord for an apartment unit that presumably has occupants and has issues that require her to be onsite every day of the week, every week, all year?

13. Do you want marriage counselling for some money or a divorce for most of your money?

14. Is it possible you’re not always correct, and your wife’s opinions are not always worthless?

    Maybe, just maybe, you should build rapport and a relationship with your wife? Maybe you may then earn the respect you believe you deserve?

    Sorry to be harsh but your post doesn’t read well…

15. Wow, I’m sorry you got stuck with my ex-wife.

16. I used to be in a similar situation as you. No one ever took my advice. No one was ever happy to be around me. Everyone would bicker with me over every little thing. I felt like no one respected me. 

    The truth was I was giving unsolicited advice. I wasn’t a happy person to be around. I was the one bickering with everyone. I didn’t treat anyone with respect.

    I’m not saying the issue is with you, but in these situations I would first look at myself. Luckily I was able to change things around and my life is pretty great right now.

17. > Years ago she wanted to stop working so she can take care of the children but now with her new apartment for rent she administers it 7 days a week and i dont even benefit from it.

    What do you mean by that?

18. Couples counseling immediately sir

19. Maybe reframe this as your wife is doing what she can.

    I agree it’s not enough. She’s not properly parenting the kids on her own and is spending her energy on her side gig.

    When you confront her it’s not that she doesn’t respect you, it’s that she can’t unfuck it herself. 

    I think for your family she needs to find a job, get proper childcare in place so your kids are fed properly, figure out how to have the rental manage itself so her energy isn’t split and finally you need to be there to help. 

    Nobody ever promised it would be even. She might just not have as much energy and mental nouse as you. You don’t get to dip because “it’s not fair” you have to pick up the slack for your kids. 

20. I used to be strategist and planner at home and at work. Now, since the kid, I can only plan and have impact at work.

    My wife has ADHD and she is just overwhelmed with so many little things she need to do as currently SAHM of our 1.5y boy.

    There are so many things happening at home but I really can’t impact anything and make them do things more efficiently (time- or cost-wise). It’s difficult to plan anything, as everything happens around kid activities and there is little space do do anything else. If I want to do something, I feel like I should just do it alone (be it groceries, bike ride, or dinner out).

    Unfortunately I have no answer to this problem. I used to be a real leader of
    my family (of two) but with kid I’’ just providing resources and fix things.

    Not sure if that’s gonna be like this forever, hopefully not. 

21. If shit needs to get done you just do it. You can’t force you wife to do anything so it’s step up time until you both can get some therapy or go to communication classes to improve things. Do not punish your kids by staying away. Never take your problems out on your kids. You brought them into existence, give them a good dad.

22. I scrolled your entire post history and while I don’t want to be a dick, here is my honest opinion: you are deeply unsure of yourself, and there are no gender politics needed for people under your leadership to doubt you when you doubt yourself. Find a way to gain confidence, there are many ways: hobbies, exercise, self help books (I don’t personally recommend), etc.

    Bro, YOU decide if your shoes don’t fit right. In any relationship: friends, parents, spouse and kids, you have to assert yourself. But it’s clear based on your frustration that you’re not doing it. So find your place to build your confidence, and lead your family.

23. Who feeds your children? What do they feed?

24. Divorce is an option.

25. If your wife expects you to earn the money, you must expect her to cook, clean and look after the children while you are not at home. It’s her job to do so.

26. Working extra hours is avoiding the problem.

    Your wife has a different outlook on life, parenting and priorities. She may be bitching to her gals that you’re always working late, too anal about things and a micromanager.

    Go to therapy and see if you can work it out.

27. How many kids? My wife is exactly like yours and I work around it. She doesn’t plan, so I have to. She doesn’t follow my lists and that’s fine. I just take the kids on my own and have fun. She gets bored and misses us.

    Stop letting your wife determine your happiness. Happiness is a state of mind. Unfuck yours and get to work.

28. You have to decide if staying in the marriage is worth it. Doesn’t sound like it is.

    There’s nothing wrong with talking to your wife, telling her how you feel and that it’s serious enough that you want to leave.

    Then you have to follow through depending on how she responds.

29. If your answer is to work late and purposely ignore your family, then you are likely the issue tbh

30. And what does she say when you bring these things up?

31. I’m so lost. She doesn’t work but owns an apartment she rents out and all of it goes directly her alone? The kids, not the house, not the family?

32. Perhaps you have unreasonable expectations. You just said you’re an impulsive planner, yet you waste money because of your wife’s.. *planning*? What? Did you mean you’re a compulsive planner? Maybe you need to lighten up with all the suggestions all the time? Maybe you should take the lead on tasks, and eventually your family will fall in line seeing you take charge. If nothing works, then drop an ultimatum with follow through. But this sounds like you might need to “check under the hood” and see how you are regarding mental health. Hey your hormones checked. What advice are you giving everyone, and what makes you think it’s the best out of her own and her families?

33. It sounds you sometimes ask her to do x (which she might consider unimportant or wrong) and other times she makes decisions (impulsive) that you disagree with and there are nowhere near enough joint decisions. For example, have you discussed as a team if home cooked meals or an 8pm bedtime is important to both of you, or it’s your ideal not hers? Do you have a weekly admin meeting where you plan things together etc.

34. r/daddit if you want some real feedback from other dads, without the condescension and judgement

35. >  but when i ask from her things like making sure the kids sleep at 8, or give them vitamins everyday, cook and feed them something nutrious she never does

    Why don’t you also ask for an unicorn with lasers?

    > got so fed up that i just resort to not talking with my family and staying at the office extra hours even on the weekends

    Are you a toddler? That’s how toddlers react to frustration.

36. Communication man. That is it. This world you imagine in your head that you can dictate into being with random comments is fantasy. You live in this world with the rest of us and your family. Do not force them to try and reconcile what you beliefe should be with what anyone can observe is. Just learn to have honest conversations with yourself, your family, or anyone. This is real life.

37. “Fairness” was invented so children and idiots have something to argue over. You need to sack up and stop caring about what’s fair because life isn’t fair.

    Your family doesn’t respect you because you don’t set standards and hold them accountable to those standards. Wife or kids don’t listen? Stop spending money on their last minute bullshit. Stop avoiding them by working extra hours.

38. To be fair I had opinions on how my wife handled bed time when we were both young, I thought 7:30 8 was a good time. But with that kind of schedule he was waking up at 5:30 when I was to go to work. Then you need to factor in she was breast feeding staying up until 11:30 with me, and having to get up for late night feeds she wasn’t really getting a lot of sleep. Early bed time works in theory but not in practicality, also talk about getting fixed might improve the sex life. If you’re not home running the house do your best to figure out how to help the one who is.

39. You need a therapist, not reddit. Also the way you communicate is odd. I dislike the way you described your situation as it was both insanely vague and slightly specific with so many missing details. It honestly just comes off as a pity party or like a teenager wrote it. A lot of the details that a reasonable person would need to know to give you good advice are missing. Go to a therapist so they can help you sort out your situation and your thoughts.

40. My life is similar. But it’s finding the middle ground or what you can tolerate day in day out.

    I can’t advise what that looks like as you need to find it yourself.

    I do love my children like nothing else and they mostly listen to me. My wife and I sort of sing from the same sheet with our children more or less.

    Maybe you have to work out the individual issues and differences to see where compromise can be had. Yeah it can be an utter pain and it’s all consuming, especially when you’re the main breadwinner too. Like I work 12 hours shifts, on my days off this week I had to fix my car because it died on me, I went shopping for the family earlier (wife can’t drive), I’m now eating dinner by myself as it’s almost midnight and it’s the first chance I’ve got it myself. Might have a beer before bed. I’m up for work at 4am on Monday morning and I’m working through to and including Xmas day which is a nightshift.

    I can see where OP is coming from as I’ve been there on occasion. All I can say is stick with it if you really want to.

41. Sounds counter intuitive but Express your wants and say NO to her once in awhile.

42. You complain a lot about your wife but didn’t mention much about your kids. How old are they?