In tears as I’m writing this

34 comments

1. Im sorry but this doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage, honestly it sounds abusive. A good man will love you no matter your size. If he can’t love you after you gave birth to his child then he isn’t worth staying with. A man like that has a cruel heart.

   Studies show that shaming someone doesn’t help with losing weight. He is being a jerk and you don’t deserve that.

2. That sucks. Don’t rely on his approval,  just do it for you! Just wanted to add when I was getting my nutrition degree I learned that breastfeeding is supposed to help reduce the weight gained, not hold onto fat. Think about it, you are funneling calories from your body into a high calorie food. It’s like an extra way to burn calories only lactating women possess!

3. I 100% understand. I was at my highest weight when my kids were that age. They are older now and I’ve just recently started to take care of myself again. I wish I’d done it earlier-for myself. Your husband sounds like an unsupportive jerk, I’m sorry.

4. Unsolicited advice is just criticism. It’s not love, it’s not kindness, it’s mean. It’s bullying. Tell him to shut up. Seriously. That you don’t want to hear it and his criticism makes you want to just quit.

   Separately, if you aren’t seeing results- it’s possible your body’s metabolism is kinda broken. I tried off and on for years with exercise and calorie counting. I always lost weight but gained it back and then some. The more I lost, the heavier I eventually got. I’m on Zepbound now and have easily lost 40 pounds. It’s not just about eating less, it helps my body actually use the fat instead of holding onto it for energy. If that’s a possibility for you or you want some assistance , talk to your doctor.

5. Just curious, did you have gestational diabetes? I did and even 17 years later, my body does not process insulin properly and I am currently very very borderline type two diabetes.

   In addition to a nutritionist and working out, it might be helpful to see an endocrinologist or have your general physician do a blood panel. Sometimes our bodies struggle with insulin resistance and sugar after babies.

   Just one suggestion… But overall it sounds like your husband really is not being very encouraging or supportive, but really going out this the wrong way and it’s not helping you. I would let him know that his commentary is not needed that you have your own inner dialogue that is enough.

6. Men and women respond differently. How he is treating you is what generally works to motivate men but not women. This kinda circles back to why individual counseling is generally successful for women but rarely successful for men. Men and women just operate differently and most people nowadays don’t realize that or just don’t know how to handle it the right way. They kinda of default to using what would work for them; not realizing it doesn’t work for others.

   When you are both calm, I’d have a sit down with him and explain to him that the way he is treating you is just making you want to quit and isn’t helping you. Try to teach him what kinds of behaviors he can do to help encourage you rather than beat you down. This may take a few conversations and some practice on his end. You need to have this conversation in a way that doesn’t sound like you are attacking him either because he’ll just get defensive and not really listen…

7. No more babies for this man from you! Not everyone bounces back. It (ALL) will only get worse with age, your weight, his pressures etc. think hard about your future young lady as I am sure your husband is too. Make a plan, doesn’t have to be overnight but prepare yourself.

8. Your husband shouldn’t treat you this way. I am also a FTM and my baby is about the same age as yours. I gained A LOT of weight postpartum due to an eating disorder I was trying really hard to not trigger for the sake of the baby. I went from 145ish to about 220ish.

   Through this fluctuation my husband remained completely positive. I was very self conscious. He still constantly was obsessive about me saying how good I looked. I too had a hard time starting the journey to lose weight as I was under so much stress and my mental load was too much to focus any on losing weight properly.

   I explained my stress and mental load to my husband and he took more on and found ways to support me. After that I was able to put more mental energy into my weight loss journey doing intuitive eating (not cutting out any food just trying to stay relatively in my calories). At that point I was able to start loving my body and losing weight. I’m down to 170 right now and my husband has remained obsessed with me.

   This is how a partner should treat you. He should be supporting you and helping you achieve your goals on your time. Anything else is not going to work. You don’t deserve to be torn down because of your weight or anything else by your partner and if he can’t see that himself or through therapy I would leave him.

   We did couples counseling for a few months to boost support for each other and it really helped a ton. If he’s open and receptive to it I would definitely recommend as he’s actively destroying your marriage by treating you this way.

9. You’ve been posting for a whole year about your abusive husband who isolates you and you suspect of cheating.

   It won’t magically change. You have to leave him. Get a divorce and go for child support.

10. Shouldn’t breastfeeding burn a ton of calories and cause weight to fall off? Never heard of it causing someone to accumulate weight.

11. r/weightloss is a really supportive sub that can help you celebrate small wins and stay on track. I’m sorry your husband isn’t supportive. You’ll want to have a really good plan in place for when you start to cut back on breastfeeding. Your calorie intake is going to drop significantly as your milk production decreases, and the change in diet can be really difficult. Good luck OP—you got this!!!

12. Do you know what my husband said to me when I gained even more weight in my post partum? “I love you”. He never brought up my weight and supported me lovingly when I started losing weight. I was able to get into the right mindset to lose weight this year, around 75 pounds right now, and I never would have been able to do it if I had the pressure of your husband.

    Having someone watch your every move and criticize you will not help and will make it harder for you to lose weight because every slip will feel like a mountain instead of a speed bump.

13. Just diet related. Weight is lost in the kitchen not the gym.. strict calorie counting is crucial. Eat more protein and healthy fats, try and cut all sugar and processed carbohydrates and starches if you can. There are apps that you can take a picture of your food to count the calories. A 500 calorie/day deficit will lose you 1 lb per week. It’s just math. It’s the not cheating or not counting every snack that will defeat your losses. Sorry about your husband. You can do this.

14. Honestly breastfeeding is brutal and at least in my circumstance destroyed my body, it took about 3 months after I stopped just for my joints to stop hurting… If I just EFF I’m sure postpartum everything would have gone smoother (besides emotionally). I stopped bf at 26 months. It was a beautiful journey but I didnt realize how much it messed with my hormones and body. I had our second and shes 5 months now and I know bf is messing with me… Its hard. And to be honest. I am a very strong breastfeeding advocate, but at the same time wish people would acknowledge it’s hard and its OK that its hard and to help support a breastfeeding mother instead of just immediately jumping to “well just formula feed”. I will always sacrifice my comfort for the wellbeing of my babies. You are doing an amazing job. An amazing job, feeding and caring for your baby. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for that choice – including your husband. What he is doing… This is not how to support you. This is not going to make you reach your fitness goals. The fact is, having a baby permanently changes a woman, breastfeeding extends those changes and makes other things not realistic – yet, temporary… If you want to get in shape and be healthy and feel good about yourself – FOR YOU – that’s fantastic. If you are being bullied into it, and made to feel bad… thats not healthy in anyway. And its not right. Accept right now, that this is the season of life you are in, this is a stage, and like all chapters in life, they each have an end. They each move on… your baby will stop feeding one day, and breastfeeding will stop, and your baby will grow up, and you will have time to work on yourself again. It does happen.

15. I was also the biggest I had ever been while breastfeeding. I was able to lose twenty pounds from working out 3-4 times a week either NO diet change but that didn’t happen until AFTER I stopped breastfeeding. Breastfeeding will make you feel like you’re starving even after a full meal. Give yourself grace, you grew a whole child and breastfeeding is not easy!

16. I just read your other posts. It sounds like you want your husband to give you credit for trying but that’s never going to happen because all he wants from you is for you to get back to fucking weight. He doesn’t see you as a person he sees you as a posesión he can throw away and pick back up whenever he feels like it.

17. Tell that man to kindly fuck right off. Then go back to doing you.

18. My weight fluctuated with kids and eventually when they were all older I was able to lose most of it. Then perimenopause and unexpected injury came and added some back. The difference now is I know I’m capable of getting to my healthy space again.
    Don’t rely on any person but yourself to take care of yourself. You set the pace because you know your limits and your strengths. This doesn’t mean let anyone, including husband, diminish you as a person. Sounds like he is not one that is going to be supportive on your health choices. Use your mom’s group for that support. Dont fall for the misconception a husband can meet your every need. You are capable and sound like you’re utilizing as much info and application you can. Plus weight is just one facet of health. You’re building stamina, consistency, and discipline. Those transfer across your entire lifetime and bonus, kids pick up on these habits as well. Keep it up!!

19. Your husband is a huge jerk. I was almost 300 pounds at my biggest. My husband still always told me how beautiful I was. When I started my weight loss journey, he was there supporting me, and when I gained a little weight back, still supportive.

    You deserve better. You gave birth to his child, your body isn’t going to be the same.

    Is he in great shape?

20. I’m sorry he’s making you feel this way. Why do you think you’re struggling with the diet so much? Did a dietitian help create it? Also what’s your moms group work out look like? Is it cardio intensive? You should meet with a personal trainer just once to go over your goals (weight loss I presume) and set up a work out routine for you. It’s hard work for sure. Give yourself some grace and screw your husband.

21. My wife has loved me through gaining and losing 120lbs. My wife has never once criticized what I eat, whether I was being successful with my diet, or anything. The only time she speaks about my weight and body is when I ask her to.

    That said, don’t get your eating advice from a nutritionist if you are in the United States. Only see a registered dietician. I recommend seeing an anti diet, anti restriction RD. My RD has never once brought up limits of how much I’m allowed to eat. She teaches me how to eat like a normal person and how to incorporate nutritionally dense foods into my regular menu. By virtue of not feeing restricted and not having food taken away from me, I have naturally gravitated to more nutrient dense foods because they make my body feel better, not because I have a butthead husband telling me to eat less.

    Do not lose yourself to those around you. You deserve to enjoy this time in your life without obsessing over your body in a negative way. You recently brought an entire life form into this world. Your body is incredible just the way it is and will be no matter what size or shape.

22. Sounds like your hubby is an unsupportive asshole.

23. Hey OP. I just want sure you know you’re aware that deep down, underneath this stress, and these life changes, and body shape changes… is probably a very kind, strong, fair, and capable woman. You made an entire human!! And this human is making their way towards two! YOU DID THAT! And you did it in spite of the world (and family) throwing its best crap at you.

    So yeah. This is a hard time right now, and from one internet stranger to another… you can probably get through this part too, like you’ve done every other time it got hard and painful. Cry it out, hug yourself, soothe your mind however you need. You’ll be back on your feet soon enough 💜

24. He is 💩

25. I think everyone’s got you covered on the relationship side of things.

    So I’d just like to note that diet is typically like 90% of weight loss for most people from what I can tell.
    My guess is this fitness class is more for being social so not to say to give it up-especially if ur husband is isolating you (yikes). But make sure if ur wanting to lose weight that diet is really the only thing that is going to bring you the results here so out ur time and focus on that. Maybe it’s me but being able to focus on only one area was a game changer for me. Doing a diet and excersizing and changing xyz abiut my life all at once was too much. But only doing one food change at a time made it stick.

    I meant to leave this alone but ur husbands a jerk and I’m sorry. My wife and I are both losing weight and I can’t imagine treating her like this or vice versa. Especially with a new kiddo. Much love

26. He sucks and you should leave him but also you absolutely have to make your health your #1 priority. I grew up with an overweight mother who could never get control over it and she was always so ashamed. We have basically no pictures together and I grew up eating the absolute garbage that she ate and fed me and now I’m disabled. Try harder from a place of love, DO NOT SHAME YOURSELF and don’t let anyone else shame you either!! A healthy diet is lifelong and becomes second nature once you find your stride

27. If he knows better why doesn’t he make the meals?

28. I am so sorry for you. Encouragement and accountability are vertically impossible to balance. Belittling you is not the right way to build your confidence. I have been told to lose weight for years. It is in my mind every time I take a bit of food – from a health salad to sugary candy. I started to lose weight after I stopped thinking about eating but just ate healthy foods.

    Weight loss is a long road that we never finish getting to the destination.

    Keep going for yourself. Love who you are. Look forward to your future.

29. I’m going to address the non husband part of your post since others already have.

    A) breastfeeding is supposed to help you lose weight. Not keep it.

    B) you don’t need 2000 calories a day to breastfeed. I breastfed. I ate less than this.

    C) you will likely stop breastfeeding soon. So can’t hold onto that reason then.

    And finally…

    D) 250 is very overweight. It’s not a big chubby, or a bit of extra weight. It’s obese. Having a child isn’t an excuse to be obese. Getting pregnant doesn’t make you obese. Being obese is a choice you are making.

    I have 2 young kids, a busy career, a large house to maintain with barely any help, etc etc and I weigh 150. And I’m actively trying to lose weight.

    If you want to lose weight you have to: eat LESS, eat healthy, and work out. Aim for 1200-1500 calories a day at most. Clean healthy meals, not processed, not fried, limited carbs. No sugar. No pop. Salads with protein, olive oil and lemon juice. Breakfast: hard boiled eggs, cottage cheese, turkey bacon, sourdough bread (if you want carbs).

    Your husband might be going about it the wrong way, but quite honestly, many husbands would be unhappy if their wife blew up to 250 lbs after having a kid.

    I know it’s hard and you’re tired but you have to make it a priority and put in the work. Or alternatively, go on wegovi or ozempic if you can afford it, but you need to change your lifestyle for long term health.

30. If my wife was putting in this much effort, I’d be trying to help her, not break her down.

31. I wonder how many people end up divorcing because let’s be honest divorce isn’t easy or pretty. If you’re already juggling so much an added legal issue will only make things worse. And the you don’t know if the outcome will be in your favor.
    you end up being a single mom or dad and if you’ve no family support things get worse before they get better i.e. you kid grows up.

32. You are doing so much already, raising a baby, taking care of yourself, managing the house, and showing up to workouts. Two days back on track? A win. That healthy ramen? Chef’s kiss.

    And your husband… total idiot. Shaming you and walking away? Not motivation, just nonsense. You’re doing the hard stuff, every single day while he’s taking notes from the sidelines. Keep going, because at this rate, you’re the one winning… mic drop…..

33. He’s being abusive and selfish

34. You’ll lose a lot more weight if you dump him and I don’t just mean his. Another reason female bodies hold on to excess fat (that they probably didn’t tell you) is chronic stress. When your body constantly feels that it’s under attack it will hold on to all the energy it can to keep you alive.

    Lose him and watch how fast the weight disappears. Assuming you want to lose weight in the first place. It’s always easier to accomplish your goals when there isn’t somebody tearing you down every step of the way.