We’ve been together for 10 years and married for one year. Throughout our relationship, I gradually told her about my fetishes, and she said they were okay and that she didn’t mind. We even tried some of them, and it was great. But yesterday we talked and it turned out that she actually feels uncomfortable and unpleasant about it, although she’s willing to experiment for my sake because she understands that it’s important to me. As it turns out, she doesn’t have any fetishes at all, and even wearing some kind of costume for role play is too much for her.
I don’t want to force her to go against herself, because if she’s uncomfortable, how can I do it knowing she doesn’t like it? But at times when she was drunk, she showed interest, and it felt like she was a different person. I don’t know what to do. It feels like the problem isn’t that this is unacceptable to her, but that She is very self-conscious— though I’m not sure. Anyway, that’s how it is.”
TL;DR:
My wife is willing to experiment with my fetishes for my sake, but she actually feels uncomfortable. I don’t want to pressure her, and I’m unsure how to move forward.
5 comments
A partner who was previously open and engaged in making sex more adventurous, or was more accommodating who later withdraws that enthusiasm hints at something either wrong with the relationship ‘outside’ the bedroom, or has developed an insecurity… body conceiusness as we age is a very common thing many people forget about as thier partner ages, or changes after having children.. these all affect sex drive and confidence, chipping away at your sex life bit by bit untill it becomes just a pre determined set of known and secure moves that you feel confident with..
It’s important to talk and actually ask the questions in a non judgmental and encouraging way… in many many cases though, it’s more to do with what’s going on in daily life… does your partner feel desired, respected, are you a ‘team’ or just two individuals.. and most of all.. do your fetishise actually centre around ‘them’ or are they just filling a space..? Think of it from thier side…
It sounds like she “accepts” them just fine– she just isn’t all that into the actual doing of them.
It happens– the best any of us can hope for is that a partner not shame a kink, and, pretty much jackpot level stuff if they are willing to give them a go and/or engage in them occasionally.
All you can do is encourage her to really speak up if it’s actively unpleasant or a turn-off when doing them, and let her know that you don’t want her going to that extent…. but, it’s also not wildly inappropriate for a person to sometimes do things they don’t personally enjoy out of love for a partner and the mental zing of knowing they’re making you happy.
Dude, you’re stuck. Perhaps see if she would compromise once in a while. Like special occasions or something.
This is precisely why you should talk about kinks early on in a relationship. Like first few dates early.
So if the issue is as you describe it and it’s primarily a her being self-conscious thing and not feelings due to some past trauma or deep-seated upbringing issues, then there’s really no huge issue with engaging in them while she’s somewhat drunk. The one big huge qualifier with that though. Is that there be very in-depth conversations about it all in a non-sexual and completely sober context.
I know that the issue of consent and impairment is very correctly a very hot one and I’d never be making this suggestion in early dating or casual sex type situation. But in the context of an established, loving,safe trust filled openly communicative relationship, things surrounding the issue of consent change a bit. If she’s completely on board with doing your things while a bit drunk,and clearly says so while completely sober,and if the level of drunk isn’t falling down sloppy, then theres really no issue.