TLDR: Please help me understand/give suggestions on how do I cope with a feeling of longing for a life partner I will never have.
(Why? No women find me datable. I know it sounds like an exaggeration, but it is not)
I have tried all the usual suggestions: Exercises (more intensive, less intensive), new hobbies, reading, gaming, avoiding married (couples) friends/family members, meditating, trying to change my mindset, improving myself etc. Many of the things helped, but sadly only short-term.
For those who don't mind reading and like to dive deeper…
M 34 from EU. Never been in a relationship.
I don't ask for pity, or sympathy. Maybe I just want to vent tonight, I really don't know. Christmas is coming, and again it is gonna be so darn lonely …like every year.
Please don't suggest all those banal things people always say – "It will happen someday", "Go out more", or "Just keep improving yourself and it will happen".
I waited for it to happen, but it didn't happen. I waited when I was 25, I waited when I was 30, now I am pushing 35, and I don't have the strength to wait anymore. I am close to giving up in one way or another.
I tried to go out more. I live in a small town, so unsurprisingly, no results. I tried Tinder for a year – only a few matches and two conversations (1 date).
I have been improving myself in every way I could think of for the past ~7-8 years, foolishly believing someday I would find someone:
– cycling for 7-8 years (~5x week);
– lifting weights etc. exercises for 3+ years (4-5x week), (tho I am still thin as a stick insect š );
– Irregularly do other physical hobbies (skating, skiing, camping (for up to 7days));
– I even take ballroom dancing (1-2x a week);
– I try to eat healthy (homecooked meals most of the time);
– I don't do drugs, smoke, or drink alcohol (a glass of wine once a month maybe);
– I don't party;
– I have created a business that doesn't require me to work more than 30-40h/month, so I have quite a lot of free time. I have a nice car and an older convertible for summer days …even tho I drive very little;
– I bought a beautiful rural property where the construction of my house has begun (without any loans);
– I got a degree in carpentry and enjoy it as a hobby frequently (so I can actually do some jobs on the house myself);
– I have worked on improving my grammar skills (and do receive compliments from people about it quite often), (Note: eng is not my native language);
– I pay attention to clothing and dress well (I like "old money" style). I probably have more hats (fedoras, panamas) than some ladies. :D;
– I have no loans or debt of any kind.
Multiple times over the years Iāve looked at myself as best as I could (personality/character) and tried to see what might be wrong with me, but I canāt find anything that really stands out. I have a calm personality. I never try to resolve conflicts or prove a point by raising my voice (occasionally I can be stubborn, but aren't we all sometimes?). I try to support and help people around me as best as I can. I'm patient and often willing to listen, learn, and compromise. I am a bit shy, as you would expect, and don't open up quickly, but that shouldn't have scared away every single woman I have met in my lifetime(?!)
Rationally, I know something must be very wrong with me, because youād expect that, just by pure chance, someone would have shown interest in me over the years. Maybe Iām just unbearably ugly and donāt even realize it …could be …who knows.
My mother (a widow) constantly bugs me about when Iāll finally start a family. And I donāt have the heart to tell her that itās never going to happen… š She was a very beautiful woman, and men were probably constantly circling her, so she only had to choose. I doubt she could imagine how impossible it seems for me.
I know I have lost in life (dating), I know I'll never have a family …will never see my own children. At this point, I only wish for peace. Iād give up all my possessions just to find peace and stop longing for a loving life partner.
I know there must be others out there who have had a similar situation… Please give me advice on what to do. How can I stop everything thatās happening in my mind? How can I stop all this pain…? How do I cope with the thought that I am undatable and will most likely be alone for the rest of my life?
Therapy is not an option because as soon as I would tell the therapist all of this (and there actually is a lot more), I would stand up and leave the session, and never return.
Thanks for reading all of this, and sorry for making your day worse (probably). Sadly, life is not a fairy tale with happy endings…