Hi everyone,
This is a throwaway account. I’m looking for some perspective and advice because I’ve been feeling really off lately about my relationship with my boyfriend (M25).
He is loving, loyal, and caring, and I truly adore him. We’ve been together for almost six years, and our relationship has always been funny, easy, and solid. We genuinely vibe well, and there haven’t been any major issues in the past. That’s part of why this feeling has been so unsettling — it came out of nowhere, but it’s been sitting heavy in my chest, like something is off.
For privacy, I’ll use fake names.
Lately, I’ve been having a gut feeling about one of his coworkers, Abby (F30). She’s married and has kids. I don’t usually check my partner’s phone or messages, but I’ve been having repeated dreams about her, which started making me uneasy. To add some text, Abby happens to share the same name as someone my boyfriend, Alex (M25), liked when he was younger and throughout high school. Alex and I met in high school but didn’t get together until years later. I met Abby once, and she does resemble the girl he used to like back then, which made me pause. I’m unsure whether that resemblance might subconsciously remind him of that person, or if this is simply my own overthinking contributing to the uneasy feeling I already had.
At first, I brushed it off. Months went by, and I tried not to read into it. Alex would casually mention work-related conversations he had with her in person, nothing that sounded concerning on the surface. But about a week ago, that heavy feeling hit me again — the kind that makes your stomach drop. I’ve felt it before in a past relationship where I was cheated on, so it’s hard not to take it seriously.
Alex has always been very open about our relationship and makes it clear to others that he’s taken. He has no issue with me using his phone, and although I know I should’ve asked first, the feeling was eating at me. While he was in the shower, I looked at his messages with Abby to see if there was anything concrete or if I was just spiraling.
The most recent messages were mostly work-related, but the tone felt different to me. What stood out was that Alex often initiated the conversations with more playful greetings, such as “Heyyy,” before transitioning into work-related topics. From there, Abby would respond with more joking or teasing messages, including comments about him taking her parking spot and playful “threats” involving a chancla. While Alex’s replies remained respectful, the overall exchange felt more familiar and comfortable than before. When I looked back at earlier messages, their conversations were brief, professional, and strictly work-related. The shift in tone over less than a year stood out to me, especially since he had previously mentioned that they barely talked or didn’t know each other well.
I don’t think there’s anything overtly inappropriate happening, but the flirtatious vibe on her side and the growing comfort between them makes me uneasy.
I did try to talk to Alex about it. I brought it up gently, saying I felt uncomfortable and wanted to talk about Abby. He agreed, but avoided eye contact the entire time and seemed defensive. He responded by emphasizing that she’s married and that he doesn’t see her outside of work, which didn’t really address what I was trying to express. The defensiveness and lack of eye contact bothered me more than the situation itself, so I dropped it in the moment.
After sitting with it, I brought it up again later and explained why his response didn’t sit right with me. He felt his explanation was justified and maintained that there was nothing to worry about. Still, the conversation didn’t feel reassuring, and I was left feeling unheard.
At this point, I’m trying to figure out whether I’m letting past experiences cloud my judgment, or if my discomfort is something I should trust and address more clearly. I’m unsure if I approached the conversation the wrong way or if it’s worth revisiting again in a calmer, more structured way. I’d really appreciate advice on how to navigate this without projecting fear or dismissing my own feelings.
TL;DR:
I’m in a long, generally healthy 6-year relationship, but I’ve been feeling uneasy about my boyfriend’s dynamic with a coworker. Their messages are mostly work-related, yet he often initiates with playful greetings and the tone has grown more familiar over time. Nothing is clearly inappropriate, but the shift makes me uncomfortable. When I tried to talk to him about it, he became defensive and avoided eye contact, which left me feeling unheard. Now I’m unsure if I’m overthinking or if this is something I should address more clearly and directly.