My husband (31M) and I (30F) have been together 5 years and in couples therapy for about a year, but instead of getting closer we feel more emotionally disconnected than ever. We’ve both acknowledged we’re living like roommates.
I’ve been clear about my needs (affection, verbal reassurance, emotional presence, him initiating conversations about the relationship). One small example: a few weeks ago I asked if he could tell me I’m pretty sometimes because he never has. He hasn’t done it.
Recently he said some of the issues are “just who he is as a person” and that he doesn’t know how to fix things. He also said that since I stopped doing the emotional lifting, it feels like I’ve given up. From my perspective, I stepped back because nothing was changing.
He rarely brings up concerns about our relationship (he’s avoidant) and I’m usually the one initiating those conversations. Now we’re just coexisting. As a side note, we also don’t have sex anymore.
We talked about possibly taking space after the holidays, but he’s unsure whether physical distance would help or hurt. I’m scared of both staying and leaving, but I know I can’t live like this long-term.
How do you know when you’re done vs just exhausted?
TL;DR: Married, in couples therapy for a year, but feel more disconnected than ever. I’ve communicated my needs, nothing has changed, and my husband says this is “just who he is.” We’re basically roommates now. Considering space but scared of both staying and leaving.
33 comments
You are finding out that you two are not compatible. It sucks, but if things aren’t better after a year of working on it, it’s just not in the cards.
I’m curious why you’re expecting someone to do something they’ve literally never done. Take him at his word. That’s just who he is.
Im so sorry to hear that, it sounds like youve been very clear about your wants and hes just refusing to listen. It hits home with the not being told your pretty im going through similar.
Not married but we just broke up a few months ago for a very similar reason (both 30, been together for almost 6 years). I felt like all the intimacy of any kind was basically gone, we were still good friends and didn’t mind living together but I felt like maybe it’s not too late to still find a better connection with someone else. It was a tough break up especially because we didn’t do anything bad to each other, but ultimately we managed to stay friends and I don’t feel like I lost anything which kinda… says it all.
You will be so much happier if you end this relationship and go find people that you’re compatible with. You shouldn’t have to beg your partner to tell you you’re pretty. You should be having sex when you’re in your early 30s and you’ve been together for 5 years. You don’t have to be miserable forever.
You both have to want it. It seems like his heart isn’t in it, but that’s the reason? Is he involved with someone else?
Ask yourself what daily life would have to look like with your husband for you to stay. Like think out a regular workday, a weekend, a holiday, and vacation. What would these days look like in your happy version of this relationship. Try not to get lost in thinking about past times when you experienced happy days in the earlier years of your pairing.
Once you’ve knocked that out then you can consider; can these things happen without demanding my partner change, or do these things require me to urge my partner to behave in a specific way? If you have to get your partner to behave in a new way to accomplish it, or it won’t happen without you having to insist, remind, beg for those moment, then you should really consider breaking up. Being alone, or starting new is scary, but not as scary as the thought of living a life of married and lonely.
> Recently he said some of the issues are “just who he is as a person”
Therapy is there to help you figure out how to solve your problems. It has been very successful in this case: you two have found out you’re not compatible for a long term relationship at all. I’d call that a win, time to end it.
I mean, if he’s telling you that nothing will change, and you can’t live with the way things are now, there’s not much else to try. Taking space from each other is not likely to result in a personality overhaul, and not taking space will just be more of the same.
Therapy is only effective if both partners are willing to put in the work and find compromise. Your husband has communicated that he’s done as much as he’s willing to do, and further sessions will not be productive. If that’s the case, I’d advise you to either go by yourself, or pause until you’ve figured out your next steps. Going together will be a waste of time and money that would be better spent elsewhere.
It sounds like you’re incompatible and he is who he is. If you have to ask him to be a certain way he is not for you. You need to accept him as he is or end the relationship.
honestly, a year of therapy and he still won’t even tell you you’re pretty? that’s not “who he is as a person” that’s just putting zero effort in 😬 you deserve someone who actively tries to make you feel good.
There is a compatibility issue, but have you talked to your therapist about this part of the issue? When my husband and I were healing, there was definitely a fake it till you make period for me. Like doing certain things that mattered for him, even though I didn’t feel it in my heart. It just sort of helped turn the tide a bit. Like I do something nice for you, you do something nice for me and soon our hearts get a little more open etc. is your therapist working with you guys on connection?
He needs individual therapy to learn to be less avoidant. You’re never going to be able to make relationship talk work with an unhealed avoidant.
Sounds like you’ve found out you’re not compatible long term. Better to know now than in 10yrs time. Couple therapy has done what it’s designed to by the sounds of it. Break up. It’ll be shit for a bit, then it’ll get better. Head up.
I read your story very carefully. Speaking from my own life experience — not as an expert people often talk about avoidant and anxious attachment, and how those two patterns tend to show up together in relationships. Im not saying this is exactly what’s happening here, but it might help make sense of some of what you’re dealing with. If he leans more toward avoidant attachment, it would make sense that he creates distance as a way to handle his feelings, especially if he struggles to talk about them keeping everything inside like that can create a lot of internal stress. On the other hand, if you lean more toward anxious attachment, it’s natural that you’d want to talk things through quickly and look for some kind of immediate clarity or solution. Understanding these dynamics can really change how you see the situation. It helps you understand where each person is coming from and respond with more empathy, instead of just reacting in the moment.
That said, the choice you made to take some space feels right for you, it gets you out of the immediate tension, but it also gives you room to think. And in that space, people often reconnect with themselves, remember their own worth, and get clearer about what they actually need. Try to see this as a quieter moment. From where I’m standing, you did the right thing.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe at some point you’ll be able to talk again, focusing more on the good moments you shared, on possible solutions rather than just the problems, and on whether there’s a healthier way forward for both of you. I hope this helps, even a little.
My wife is avoidant, and couples therapy felt like a waste of time and money. She wouldn’t talk about anything covered in therapy; it was just 50 minutes to check the box.
Would anyone pay an attorney $180/hr and see them every week or two just to talk?
Would anyone go to physical therapy every week for a year and not do the exercises outside of the appointment?
I could imagine therapy/counseling works for people who want it to work.
therapy can’t fix a relationship where one partner intimacy and treats change as impossible. the question is whether you could accept the relationship unchanged long term. what helps now is shifting for trying to fix things to honestly assessing what’s actually available, possibly through structured space or discernment in therapy
I am in similar situation as you honestly and trying to work it through by communication and exploring other sides of relationship. I really hope things work out for us.
You heard that saying – the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? He told you he has no intention of changing and that he doesn’t think he need to, in so many words. Let’s break down what that means:
-He believes he is entitled to exist exactly the way he is and that everyone else must grow and change around him
-He believes he is entitled to your emotional and mental labor and perceives their absence as oppression
-He has no incentive to meet your needs because he doesn’t think you should have any (that would take the focus off him)
-He is willing to let you be unhappy and doesn’t have an issue with that
Really marinate on that last point. Do you want to be with someone who knows how unhappy you are and that’s not incentive enough on its own for them to be willing to hear you out? You should not have to make a case like a lawyer to get your partner to be willing to meet your BASIC needs.
Sounds like you’re both pretty done with this relationship and he’s not willing to change. What are you getting out of the current situation? Would you still want to be married if everything was the same a year from now? (Because if he’s not willing to change, everything *will* be the same a year from now)
Therapy can work when BOTH partners are willing to make changes. “This is just who I am” is a bad sign of someone who isn’t willing to do the work. It’s curious that he says he doesn’t know how to fix things – is your couples therapist giving you actionable homework, etc and he’s not doing it? Or is the therapist super passive and not actually teaching you two any new relationship skills? If it’s the latter, maybe find a more direct therapist or coach first.
If you’ve been given all the tools and your partner just refuses to use them, things aren’t going to get better until he decides to change. (And as a warning – often with people like this, they don’t feel the need to change until an extreme pain point is reached. Breaking up with him could inspire a huge burst of “ready to work on things” energy – just know that if you get back together and the pain eases for him, he’s pretty likely to go back to the status quo. Stick to whatever decision you make.)
Does he do his own 1-on-1 therapy? This is more of a him problem than a you problem.
Is he a perfectionist? I feel like I can relate to what you’re describing. He might be hiding himself / not comfortable with his true self. If you want to keep trying – and if this sounds right – try the book “Perfectly Hidden Depression”
> Recently he said some of the issues are “just who he is as a person” and that he doesn’t know how to fix things.
That’s unfortunately the core of the issue.
He’s either willing to change who he is as a person, or you and him simply aren’t compatible and should instead just be friends.
> He rarely brings up concerns about our relationship (he’s avoidant)
Avoidant partners are VERY hard, especially if you’re not avoidant yourself. It’s the ‘hardcore mode’ of a relationship, like in a video game where hardcore mode is you start with 15% life and 5 bullets and a rusty pipe and then 20 enemies appear and if you don’t find something to eat soon you die of starvation. Yes it’s technically possible, but it’s much, much, much harder.
The real key is he needs to acknowledge that he’s avoidant, and commit to at least trying to change that. If he doesn’t/won’t, then there’s not much you can do.
You can’t fix people. If the relationship doesn’t fulfil your needs then the answer is to break up.
> tell me I’m pretty sometimes because he never has. He hasn’t done it.
I can’t help but project my own marriage onto this because my wife says stuff like that all the time. Then when I point out the times that I _did_ do that, she says it “doesn’t count” because she had to say it. Are you sure he hasn’t done it, or have you just not noticed?
What made you love him in the first place? Why did you want to have sex in the first place?
Ask him the same thing
Definitely sounds like a wake-up call. It’s tough, but being honest about who someone really is can help you move forward…
Couples therapy is basically there to figure out if things are fixable, and it sounds like he’s telling you this isn’t fixable/you aren’t compatible.
>affection, verbal reassurance, emotional presence, him initiating conversations about the relationship
If you need these things in a relationship you need a partner who does these on his own. Not someone you have to ask. Asking your partner for affection defeats the purpose. Affection is supposed to come because you want it and you want to give it. Not as a chore to check off.
You are not compatible, maybe never were.
Your husband is telling you he is not going to change. You should either accept how things are or take steps to end the marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you cannot fix a relationship if one person refuses to make an effort.
I actually think it’s pretty hard topic to give a really useful advise, as there’s a lack of information, – lot depends on what kinds of personality you both have, what you have/haven’t done before relationship etc.
But strictly out from you post:
Looks like some things your husband NEVER done are actually crucial for you (e.g. saying that you are pretty), which is:
1) raising up a question of how could it never appear in your communication before, for 4+ years?
2) letting us think that there are probably multiple topics like that in your relationship
It seems like you started to speak about things, which is a good sign itself, – now the real question is, whether you both are willing to make some changes in yourselves for the sake of BOTH of you, or you’d put yourselves in priority.
That’s a really tricky part, as if only one of you will be willing to act for the sake of relationship, it would still be not enough (our couple had this kind of period, and thankfully we managed to find the right way).
We wish you all the best, and remember:
Whatever will happen next, it will be for the better, because even in the case of break-up – it still would be easier after 5 years, than after 10 🫠
I tried marriage counseling too with my ex of 10 years. His behavior would change for 2 weeks max.
This relationship sounds like it’s run its course. Complimenting your partner doesn’t take much effort and yet, he won’t. Maybe he’s not the type to do such things. I know in my dad’s generation (he’s in his 70’s), most husbands don’t compliment their wives. It’s just how they were taught back then. Now that times have changed, there is no reason for him not to try, even if his dad taught him. The point is: you ask him to do something small for you, and he won’t because it is an inconvenience to him. That is how much you matter to him.
You can’t change him. Nothing will. If you are worried the next girl will get his better version, maybe but so will you. Or in most cases, he stays the same, and his new girl will eventually get tired of him neglecting her emotional needs. You do you, live your life, and find love that suits you.
What you’re describing is common – and deeply misunderstood.
Most people jump to labels like *“You grew apart”* or *“He’s emotionally unavailable,”* then say, *move on.* But that skips something critical.
This isn’t about effort or love. It’s about **normal**.
Instead of more talks about your needs (they do matter), start with curiosity about his upbringing:
* How did his parents treat each other?
* Were emotions talked about or avoided?
* Did his mom initiate while his dad checked out?
* Did his dad express affection – or not?
Those patterns don’t disappear at 18. They become the operating system.
Most men don’t choose avoidance. They default to what felt normal growing up, even if it was emotionally empty. So when he says, *“This is just who I am,”* he may not be dismissing you – he likely doesn’t understand why he’s this way.
Now contrast that with you. If your parents engaged, repaired, and expressed affection, that became your normal. So you’re married to someone whose normal is different, and you’re both defending childhood value systems installed long before you met.
This is where much couples therapy can fall short: *This is how I feel. This is how you feel. Let’s change.*
What gets missed are the thousands of hours of childhood programming – how love, conflict, affection, and emotions were handled.
Those programs run *subconsciously*. Marriage wakes them up, and suddenly you’re fighting about affection, reassurance, sex, and emotional presence without realizing you’re reenacting two different childhood worlds.
That’s also why the fixer dynamic is common. People believe love and communication will create change. But growth doesn’t happen at the level of behavior – it happens at the level of awareness.
So, are you done or just exhausted? Exhaustion comes from trying to fix an unconscious pattern with conscious effort.
Before making a permanent decision:
* learn what his “normal” looks like
* understand where it came from
* don’t assume lack of expression means lack of care
That doesn’t mean you stay or accept a roommate marriage. It means you get real clarity before deciding whether this can shift – or whether it’s no longer something you’re willing to live with.