Hi, I am F34 and my hubby is 38. My husband and I had a heavy talk.
Over the last few months he’s been colder and more distant. Yesterday he finally said out loud what’s been bothering him: he said time has been very ,merciful' for me e.g. I don’t have any gray hair yet, look almost the same when he met me, and meanwhile he’s gone fully gray, started balding, has wrinkles, wears glasses, he used to be and he overheard at work someone talking about him at work once , go ask that short guy wearing glasses', so suddenly he is insecure about his height.
He works extremely hard, and I know the stress and responsibility have taken a toll, I said to him to reduce hours and he did months ago. I genuinely try to support him emotionally, practically, physically, even I work too but I feel like I’m hitting a wall. I reassure him, I listen, I’m patient, but it doesn’t seem to reach I love him and desire him. I cook for him, clean etc, intimacy I do my best, not sure what else?
EDIT: Yes, I take of myself, he does not use skin care really. He checked his testosterone, and yes he gets' BJs almost daily coming from my initiative, but because I love it, not because he wants it.
38 comments
The help your husband needs isn’t on Reddit. If petty shit like that bothers him, he needs a strong male influence or a therapist
If you’re holding up your end of the marriage but he’s got his own demons, he’s gotta buck up and address them.
If you suggest this, it’s all over, but he needs to go get his testosterone checked and see if he’s a candidate for TRT.
Low T usually lets these thoughts and feelings creep in.
It sounds like you’re doing the right things so keep doing what you’re doing, compliments and reassurance goes a long way. But at some point he has to feel comfort with himself and to stop seeking the external validation.
Incredibly enthusiastic blowjobs is a good place to start (seriously).
(Female here) More context needed. Does he smoke cigarettes? Drink to excess? These things can cause premature aging. Does he work outside? If so, has he been using sunscreen? Does he have a skin care regimen? Men have a hard time realizing the importance of moisturizer because they weren’t taught to use it. I believe that some men may believe using moisturizer “isn’t manly.” A good men’s oriented face scrub and moisturizer plus sunscreen and possibly collagen might really make a difference.
first he needs to get healthy, workout and get some sunlight. Second he needs male friends who will shit on him in a caring way. Lastly you need to remind him that you find him very hot, and not just with words.
He needs guy time, he needs to sit by a fire with some friends and drink beers and talk. Specifically he needs older friends.
You can’t work harder on his happiness and mental health than he does.
He may need some therapeutic assistance, he may also have burnout, depression etc. that does not go away by just reducing hours but its a good start.
You can’t solve another person’s insecurity for them.
Your husband needs to (1) decide that he wants to change how he feels about aging and (2) work to make that happen. There are plenty of guys older than your husband who would react differently to all of this. Instead of being worried about height they’d label themselves “the short guy with glasses who knows everything”. Instead of being threatened by having a slightly younger good-looking wife, they’d be proud they’re still attractive to their partner.
There could be many things going on here. He might have an image of himself and his value that is threatened by his aging. He could see himself as failing in work or some other duty he considers important. Maybe he’s thinking about fatherhood and, depending on whether y’all have kids, whether he is or will be good enough at that. It could be all sorts of things. If he actually wants to work on it, individual therapy for him is a good place to start.
A few things he should know from an older man (that’s me, I’m the older man. Don’t ask me how old I am. Now days, when I lie about my age, it still starts with a four).
No matter how old you are, ten years from now, you’ll look back at this time and think how awesome those days were. For instance, I would LOVE to be 38 again. That was an awesome age. I felt so much younger then. Please, tell him to enjoy his youth; and he IS young. He’s in his prime!
My current GF helps with me with ageing too. She says lots of really kids and affectionate things about my looks. I asked about dying my gray hairs once and she was adamantly against it. She says they’re sexy etc. She talks all the time about how she loves being with a man who has lots of experience in life. How comforting it is to be with someone who knows what to do when problems come up. Maybe talk to him about things like that.
Lastly, get the basics right. Get him lots of sleep. Get him to eat right. Get him to drink lots of water. There have been loads of times where I’m “feeling old” and can’t keep up with my younger friends. (Background, I’m a rock climber and all my climbing friends are in their 20s and 30s and extremely fit). But when I focus on a good, balanced diet, less alcohol, no smoking, staying hydrated (crazy how much better you feel if you JUST. DRINK. WATER) and getting lots of sleep, I feel amazing. And I can run circles around the young ppl. Or at least keep up.
He’s fine. He’s gonna be fine. He’s got years and years and years ahead of him. He should look forward to his 40s. Your 40s are GREAT! 50s haven’t been that bad so far either. ☺️
Becoming old is not a finish line or parking lot, it’s another stage of life that has its own pros and cons. He needs to stop only looking at the cons and spend more time discovering the pros.
It just seems like hes in a funk. Keep re assuring him . Theres also maybe plan an evening just for him help boost his confidence
i get it, some men try to hold on to 30s as long as possible but then it hits hard when you realize youre really not. Tell him to look around, 70% of all men at his age are balding and grey. But honestly i have other shit to worry about, other priorities. If people dont like what they see, fck off. We are not in high school anymore.
Maybe he needs to talk to a therapist, because its not your job to make him feel okay. You are both adults and you also need your support.
I can only say how much my life changed when i lost weight, stopped drinking completely, started lifting weights and eating nutrient rich pure food.
I think you are already doing a lot.
It’s the mid life crisis starting to take hold. This is the “ is this all I am” phase of life. I would suggest talking to a therapist, checking in with a doctor to check hormones, and discussing with him what are the next steps in life with you. At this point of life I felt like I was supposed to be somewhere else in my career, I was supposed to have X, and was supposed to have y.
It started to build up to depression for me, then not taking care of my body got me more depressed, then work finally broke me with its stresses. So there are lot of things that are happening to him but it seems he’s not appreciating the most important thing in his life. You, the partner that’s there to listen and be there with him.
Tell him from a 50yo man that the most important thing in life is that shared bond you have. You sound like you really love him and want him to be confident about himself again. Gym does wonders, losing those 30 extra pounds helped me also (bedroom, and also style wise I don’t wear the xl shirts any more to hide my belly), I still wear glasses, I’m still short, I’m still balding, I’m still getting more grey hair.
What I have is a partner that loves me and also sees how confident I am now. What I have is a partner that I want to grow and get old(er) with and she knows that I want this for us!
He might want to get his testosterone levels checked. Low levels often cause insecurity, depression and a feeling of low self-esteem. Men do have quite a steep drop around that age. That’s what really drives the supposed mid-life crisis. It’s kind of like a male menopause (although usually nowhere near as severe) but could be the drop for him has been quite severe. He can improve things by lifting weights, having more sex, getting fit, getting out in the sun or getting better sleep etc etc.
I would find some people on your circle that carry their age well(accept it) and encourage him to open himself with them on this topic if they are open to it.
It’s a tough transformation for everyone. On the internet you see the rare cases of people at peak look and performance but in real life most people need to trade activities going into mid and older life and talking about it helps.
He needs to become comfortable with the fact that people age at different rates and there’s nothing more you can do to help that. Whether he needs therapy or some other way is beyond here.
I also have a wife that doesn’t really age, I love it, but people also often mistake me for younger then I am so it’s not as big of a difference as it seems to be in your scenario.
DAILY BJS?!?
There’s a lot of short, balding, wrinkly dudes who aren’t getting blown daily – plus he has a caring partner?!
This dude is blessed. He just needs to realize it. 💛
He needs to start to take some kind of action. It will make him feel better and give him a boost just to be doing something about it and if when he sees the impact that will lift him too.
I’m about to turn 37.
Being jacked makes me not care that I’m balding and going grey… doesn’t even bother me that I’m gaining some fat. I’m still jacked asf.
In general though he needs to take care of himself and build some confidence. Exercise, fitness, combat sport… all great ways to feel accomplished and feel like you are better than you were yesterday… rather than just on a rapid decline haha.
Also daily bj’s is cool beans good job.
Think he is worried you will lose attraction to him. BJ’s almost daily is a very good thing you are doing, definitely should make him feel desired. But it won’t solve his insecurities, he may need professional help (therapist). Office politics can be very stressful.
Sounds like he needs to care for himself. Needs to do things to keep himself feeling young. Skin care, daily exercise, hobbies that stimulate his mind.
Fitness and skin care and diet. As a man in his 50’s that is what is keeping me going.
He can’t rewind time but he can slow down the ageing process. First he has to be fit and healthy so that he doesn’t feel “old” , he also has to look after his skin and moisturise daily. As he ages it’s all going to get much worse unless he sorts the basics out. Muscle atrophy kicked in long ago for him, so he needs to slow that down to remain mobile as he goes forward. Moisturising and exfoliating will help reduce the appearance of “Old” skin and a good clean diet with no junk will have him feeling 100 times better. Once he sorts those things and he starts to feel better about himself his outlook will improve tremendously.
Jesus it’s got a lot worse to come .
Them daily BJs must be ageing him
He’s 38 and feeling old? Well, he’s going to be old for a very long time so, given average ages.
Here is some deeper, related advice that I think might be helpful.
*There is no path to happiness other than building things that grow*. As we get older, I think, so much of our work and professional life becomes a form of consumption rather than creation.
That is a major drag on our energy and vitality. It also makes us vulnerable to small insults to our vanity (which to be frank is exactly what he overheard).
He sounds like a hard worker and has an A+ partner so he really should focus on building things that grow, that are larger than himself, so that he can feel emboldened and inoculated from minor insults and focus on things that actually matter.
Next time he hears someone say “go ask the short guy wearing glasses” he can say “*excuse me but I think you meant go ask the company founder who gets daily blowjobs*”.
Does he have friends that make fun of him about his gray hair, etc? Easy cure: good buddy makes fun of whatever you’re insecure about – instantly most guys are able to laugh about it.
If you’re making a reddit post about it, that’s probably not the case here. And no one will like this, but someone (absolutely not you, OP), should tell him to stop being a whiny bitch.
“Buddy, STFU, we all get some grays, we all got a little fatter, and no one from our HS/college friends is as rich as they expected to be…OK, except for SAMUEL…but do you want to live THAT life? So shut up, broski. The rest of us don’t get to be 23 forever, and neither do you.”
You sound like a strong support for him, but he also needs to do some work himself. I’d encourage him to find a therapist he gets along well with. My wife is my rock, but all the support in the world wouldn’t matter if I didn’t seek therapy (after years of her encouragement) and start seriously working on me, myself.
I don’t have any advice for you but as a shorter guy who doesn’t look nearly as good as he used to the self esteem thing is my biggest problem. It’s probably a very real thing for a lot of men and I’m sure people in general.
The guy is getting ENTHUSIASTIC BJs daily from his loving wife. AND HES STILL WORRIED ABOUT WHAT STRANGERS THINK OF HIM?!
Fucking wild.
He needs a therapist.
Honestly it sounds like you are doing more than enough for him. He just needs to talk with someone in order to come to accept the fact that he’s aging and it’s showing.
I think, beyond going to a therapist or talking to other guys also going through this realization, he needs some sort of change in his daily or weekly life routine.
Maybe going and doing something more active, like going to the gym or some sort of sport, going on hikes also is a good thing, even just Yoga. If he wants to do something more “manly” tell him to look into any HEMA clubs around your area, that way he can swing a sword around while getting a full body workout in the mix.
And honestly if he is worried about wrinkles and such, he really should adopt a good skincare routine as, beyond firming up his current skin, it will help delay and prevent future wrinkles from getting too much worse. He should probably also increase his liquids intake.
He should also talk to someone about his stress. Stress does prematurely age people and will contribute greatly to grey hair and wrinkles. If he’s constantly stressed and his job is a high stressor for him, it may be time for him to look for a less stressful environment to work in. It may even help his body recover, even regain some colour in his hair (I wouldn’t cross my fingers though) and make him look healthier.
Men age faster than women, women start catching up to men aging wise in their late 40’s.
Middle age hits like a ton of bricks, he’s working through it and it can’t be rushed.
in your 40s you realise ‘this is it’. In your teens and 20s you can be anything — an astronaut, a rock star, a super powerful executive. That hope slowly fades.
Most people lead boring lives in quiet desperation. You’re a wage slave, balancing work/personal/family trying to keep a roof over your head and food in your bellies, trying to make sure you can afford to retire one day.
You are a good wife because you’re noticng his struggle. I have a good marriage but my wife simply is unaware, or struggling herself so much she can’t afford the emotional capacity to add my bucket of worries into her pile.
This is not a simple fix, this is a long marathon where you need to be there and present for him, be his biggest advocate and encourage him to think outside of work. At some point he’ll likely end up like i did, no longer caring as much about things outside my control. I care about my job, go in and do an ernest 8 hour day of my best effort and then…clock out and immediately forget about it.
And my colleagues aren’t my friends. Some of them are, but most are simply associates by circumstance. I don’t care about them after 5pm. He shouldn’t either.
_laughs in short 50s dude_
but seriously book him a therapist. i started seeing a therapist about his age and it did wonders. crossing into middle age—especially in this cultural climate that has a strong focus on the link between attractiveness and height—is rough. but my 40s were great, and my 50’s are really kicking it. it can be great for him too, he just needs to change his mindset.
and to be clear: _he_ needs to change his mindset, you can’t do it for him. that’s what a therapist is for, to provide perpective and tools for adjusting mindsets.
good luck
I love that you’re saying the right things and supporting him. I also love that you’re concerned about his feelings.
You could also be proactive and help him with the aging process. First thing, encourage him to go talk to a counselor. Aging and all of the shit that comes with it hurts. My counselor once told me once that there’s a 95% chance counseling will help a lot, a 4% it helps but only a little, a 1% chance it won’t work at all, and 0% chance it’ll do harm. Can’t hurt to see a counselor.
Second, tell him to talk to his doctor. He should have an honest discussion with his PCP. Tell him about all of the physical things that are bothering him. Get that shit taken care of ASAP, because there’s more coming and it tends to pile up. It’s easy to feel old when 8 things physically bothering you and they’re keeping you from doing things you enjoy.
Third, start talking to him about treating himself well. Start eating right. Get in the gym. Maybe buy him some nice skin care products and cologne. Talk to him about getting a haircut more often and trying to glow up his wardrobe a little. That’s helped me a ton!
Good luck.
Tell him to google Paul Reed MMA, tell him to improve there’s people in their 40s 50s and 60s in top shape, no excuse.
This is a mental thing some men reach peak in their 40s, feeling beaten at 38 is purely mental, some men in their 50s are the most wanted movie stars symbols it’s dumb but it’s do relative