I need an outsiders perspective. Sorry, this is a long one.
Two years ago, my (35f) husband, John 35m), had an affair. We worked through it, went to therapy, and rebuilt our marriage. It was extremely painful, but we moved forward and are now doing great.
A couple weeks ago, my brother in law, Sam, reached out and said he had something to tell me. Sam then told me that he has been dating John’s AP for about a year. Sam admitted that he knew about the history and that he had told John about the relationship only about a week prior. (John was only told that they were hanging out.) He framed this as something he felt I should know but that I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone.
This was obviously extremely triggering for me. AP had known I was married with children and continued sleeping with John anyway. After the affair ended, she repeatedly attempted to insert herself back into his life, including claiming she was pregnant and contacting his friends. It took months for her to finally leave us alone.
I told Sam that I did not want to see AP and was not ready to be involved with her. I told him that if he was happy with her, then I’m happy for him but that I wasn’t ready to be a part of it. I felt his choice crossed a boundary for me and reopened significant trauma. I told my husband that night.
The next morning, before I had spoken to anyone else, Sam sent me aggressive messages accusing me of betraying his trust, claiming I had already told his mom and my husband, and calling me untrustworthy. This was not true. I had only told my husband, which I believe was unavoidable given that this directly involved our marriage and family.
Sam doubled down, claimed he had done nothing wrong, said he was “doing me a favour” by telling me, and refused to acknowledge the impact of his actions. After that exchange, I stopped responding.
Later that morning, I spoke to my mother in law, Janet, to explain the situation. (At this point, bil had already told her about him and AP so she called me.) I sent her screenshots of bil’s messages so she could understand exactly what had happened. Initially, she expressed empathy and said she understood how painful this was for me and that she did not want to meet AP.
However, the focus shifted quite instantly because in her following messages, mil repeatedly minimized bil’s actions, framed the issue as my “hurt feelings,” emphasized that “blood is thicker,” and pressured my husband not to distance himself from his brother. (My husband felt betrayed that bil would do this.) She repeatedly suggested that I should move on because I had forgiven my husband for the affair.
Despite saying she would not meet AP, met her anyway when picking up my niece the next day. At this point, my husband asked for space because of the damage it would cause to our family, she accused us of forcing her to choose sides, threatened to cut us off, and blamed me directly for “destroying her life” and her relationship with her son.
At that point, after repeated boundary violations, emotional manipulation, and refusal to take accountability, my husband asked for space from mil and to go no contact to protect our family and mental health.
She then sent messages to me stating that she would never forgive me, that I was ruining her life, and that my emotions were the cause of everything.
We are not trying to control anyone’s relationships. We are not asking anyone to choose sides. We asked for basic respect, and set a boundary after an extremely traumatic situation was reopened. Instead, we were attacked, blamed, and pressured to absorb the harm so others could stay comfortable.
Now my husband feels guilty and feels like he’s a bad son because of how his mom reacted to his boundary but I told him that I was proud of him for trying to protect his family.
I guess I’m just asking for opinions because I don’t feel like he’s done anything wrong and I truely am so proud of him for trying to protect me.
Was the boundary too much?
Thanks for reading. ❤️