TLDR: Dating a girl with strong signs of avoidant attachment, been like this for a week, want to ask her to either tell me she's committed or tell me she isn't and we can stop wasting time.
EDIT: I have went on two dates with her, I should have mentioned this before
We started talking a month ago now, and we talked every day, all day for three weeks until suddenly she's almost completely ceased communication.
I asked her after days of barely talking if she was ok and she explained she was "overwhelmed" with various aspects of her life and it hasn't been her intention. We messaged back and forth for a short bit then I sent her a few messages later on and one the next day which she left on seen.
I then messaged her this morning as a "check up" essentially, briefly updated her on my weekend and asked how she was doing. Currently been on delivered for 8 hours.
I learnt recently about avoidant attachment, first hearing about it not long before this behavior started and it pretty much explains everything about the complete 180 switch up on me she's done.
Since she's elected to not reply to my message this morning I plan to give her an ultimatum text tomorrow, in essence I'll state how interested I am in her, why I am, etc. then explain briefly how I've felt this past week and I've not figured out the words yet but the core message will be to either, tell me you're committed to dating me and want things to work or tell me you're not and we can go our separate ways.
I have heard this approach could be ill advised against someone who's avoidant but I value honesty and that's how I've been with her from day 1. I have no interest in pretending everything is fine just because she has this problem, I'm not perfect either, mentally I've been stressed about this the entire time I've just not shown it as I know better.
I figure it's a coin toss, I do this and maybe she's very receptive and appreciates the honesty, or she goes the other route, either way I'm free of the constant stress and doubt about whether me and her have any sort of future.
Any advice is appreciated and thank you to anyone that read all of that nonsense.
14 comments
If they are avoidant an ultimatum will either drive them away or cause them to pantomime change until they feel they can go back to the old behaviour. The only fix is them willingly going to therapy to work through their trauma. It’s also a lot to drop on someone after a month of dating them. The best approach would be to match and mirror her distance, detatch and move on. If she reaches back out explain how you feel and that you’re not comfortable dating someone who disappears on you without an explanation beyond some generalised excuses that everyone gets when they’re being dismissed in the dating scene and that you’re seeking mutual intent and consistency throughout the courting process.
Try to meet up with her in person rather than worrying so much about texting.
Talking all day every day isn’t sustainable or neccessary. If she’s willing to meet up with you then maybe you can have some kind of chat about where you stand.
But also try to chill, people have a lot of things going on around the holidays. You want to be peace and calm for the person you’re dating, not more overwhelming pressure.
It’s a losing battle, a month is nothing. Save yourself the headache and find someone else. It’s near impossible to get commitment from an avoidant.
– Want to ask her to either tell me she’s committed or tell me she isn’t and we can stop wasting time.
It doesn’t matter what she tells you because she is still not gonna act the way you expect even if she says yes she is committed.
You seem to think that she has to act in a certain particular way if she is interested and your frustration comes from her not adhering to your idea of what her behavior should be.
When a woman gives you breadcrumbs you simply walk away wothout clarity from her. Simply because you know you want a girl who is fuck yes about you not a girl who gives you maybes.
So it’s not her words what matter it’s her behavior, clearly you don’t like her behavior as it is, and that’s why you should just walk away instead of hoping she acts in a different way.
You don’t wait for clarity, you simply take action even if she is interested because you simply recognize you want someone who is different behavior. You don’t try to change her behavior or demand that she changes it.
And you should know that how you feel is not her problem. Your feelings are your responsibility to manage, not hers. Just like how she feels is not your problem to manage. She is under no obligation to fix your emotional state.
Ultimatums don’t work. Just leave instead.
I have dated with an avoidant. I know you really like her, but for the best of you two, just move on, no need for an ultimatum. She could have reached sooner, and it is much more enjoyable to have someone than can communicate. Trust me they are a pain in the ass and you’ll end up hurt in an endless cycle.
I have dated an avoidant. I know you really like her, but for the best of you two, just move on, no need for an ultimatum. She could have reached sooner, and it is much more enjoyable to have someone than can communicate. Trust me they are a pain in the ass and you’ll end up hurt in an endless cycle.
I was anxious with avoidants, and avoidant with the anxious – double whammy! I read the book ‘Attached’ and realized I was the problem, been with my husband almost eleven years now and going strong. I highly recommend it for both of you.
I’m going through the same thing with a guy I’m dating. He asked me not to speak to anyone else on the dating site, but I hardly hear from him and I’ve only seen him twice, because he’s so busy this time of year with work and getting ready to leave for Christmas. He tells me that he had plans before we met, which is fair but I’m finding myself on tenterhooks just waiting to hear from him and I don’t like it.
I’m trying to deal with it by doing things, but also I’m going out with friends as much as possible. But it’s extremely frustrating, I agree. I have actually said something, but I don’t think things will change because of who he seems to be. For one thing, he’s not a texter. For the second thing, he only says something when he’s got something to say instead of conversing and talking about his day like most people do.
I’d like to call him, but I don’t want to interrupt his day if he doesn’t want to hear from me, so I just wait. It’s extremely irritating and I want to tell him that I want to talk to other people too and I’m not sure how to do that without losing him entirely.
She was interested earlier on and is no longer interested. It sucks, but it happens all the time. No “avoidant” label needed.
Wait, it’s only been TWO dates? If she’s only made time to go on two dates with you in the span of a month, she is not interested. If she’s not responding to your texts, she is not interested. This has nothing to do with her being “avoidant”. There is no closeness or intimacy for her to run from because you guys are complete strangers.
> I have no interest in pretending everything is fine just because she has this problem.
People seriously need to stop clinging to attachment theory so hard. I know it’s easier to diagnose someone as avoidant instead of accepting that they might just not be into you, but you don’t know this woman at all. There are no signs here that she is avoidant. She seems simply uninterested, which is only a problem because you are not reading the room. To assume she’s got a “problem” attachment style and trauma that makes it hard for her to commit after you’ve only spent a few hours with her is kinda presumptuous.
If she wanted to see you, you would have gone on more that two dates in a month. If she wanted to talk to you, she would reply to your texts.
> I’ll state how interested I am in her, why I am, etc.
What would you even say here? Anything you like about her at this point is either superficial or something you are projecting onto her because you don’t even know her. It is not going to come off as authentic because you haven’t spent enough time together to have established anything more than a vibe check.
It’s been two dates and a few weeks of chatting. You are way, WAY too invested in this stranger. I am sorry to be blunt but trying to have a come-to-Jesus talk and asking her if she is committed to you after TWO dates is going to make you seem unhinged and I don’t think you are, you just sound like an anxious guy. You are doing all this emotional labor trying to get this clearly uninterested woman to give you what you need. Using this energy to meet and pursue women who are actually interested would be a much better use of your time. If a woman likes you and wants to date you, it will not be this hard.
Wait a second, “you started talking a month ago”. Have you ever met this woman in person? And what’s with everyone diagnosing someone they date for such a short time? Is everyone a mental health professional? 😜🤷🏻♀️🤪
“we talked every day, all day for three weeks until suddenly she’s almost completely ceased communication.”
So you started this relationship with a completely unrealistic and unreasonable level of communication.
Now you’re upset she hasn’t responded for 8 hours? After she told you she was overwhelmed? It’s the holidays. On top of that, it is a high pressure time at work for many. I work with a number of systems/finances that have to be updated by year end.
Labeling her as avoidant for totally normal behavior under the circumstances shows more about your issues and attachment style than hers.
She isn’t an avoidant. She just isn’t interested anymore. Give her space and stop bothering her with messages. It’s over anyway.