At 32 years of age, it’s becoming clear to me that women are not interested in me. I have only had sex once, 12 years ago, and it wasn’t even good. I’m currently learning to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life, but it’s kind of absurd that I’ve been celibate for this long.
Is there any ethical way to break this? I’m hesitant about sexual escorts because I don’t know if they are being exploited in some way (I suppose most of them are, but that’s just inference on my part). So I’m kind of stuck, and I’m reaching out to see what you guys do.
Thanks in advance.
38 comments
Seek feedback on yourself–and how you’re perceived both physically and emotionally–with a trusted friend or therapist. I suspect we’re not getting the full story.
Funny way to say your not perusing women. Women crave it more then we do. Go try!
We need to know more… are your standards 10/10?
How is your health and overall appearance?
The gym – I go to make myself better/worthy, but also get to see attractive women that, if I”m really lucky, might view me as good enough.
Professionals – once every month or two, I engage one as a sexual outlet.
Work – when I’m bored or frustrated, I work. One day, it may result in more money and a fancy title, which will hopefully contribute to making me good enough and worthy enough to be worth dating.
Legality isn’t morality or ethics. We’re hard wired for physiological intimacy.
Only you can decide whether it’s wrong or right to seek a sex worker for that. The jobs exist for a reason, always have and always will.
The trope about most escorts being trafficked is a myth.
You can easily go out and find a mutually consenting adult escort.
Might want to figure out the reasons for this?
You had sex once so that shows you had the most rudimentary game compared to many virgins your age. So why couldn’t you replicate that in 12 years?
Some surface things can be fixed relatively easily like haircut, clothes, grooming, hygiene.
Some deeper mental health things like trauma, anxiety, autism, may require years of therapy or medication to help. There’s no easy fix for mental health.
Hookups, FWBs and casual relationships.
If I don’t have any of those at disposal, I’d go for escorts for sure. There’s nothing wrong with that.
my left hand
I was married, had my kids, divorced.
I CAN still do well with women. I’ve just chosen not to.
I personally have no issues with sex workers and in this messed up world, I’d just recommend treating people as best you can regardless and stay away from anyone looking obviously oppressed.
Beyond that just masturbation when needed is how I deal with it. Do I still crave sex/women… of course. But I just don’t want any complexity in my life right now. I just stay celibate by choice and if I need to, masturbate is fine. The more you fill your life with things that are not about sex/women, the easier it becomes. Gym, work, reading, projects… I even go to Church. I don’t even know if I ‘believe’ objectively, but I go.
Do you not understand that people in their 40s-60s still date?
The answer to this depends on what you want out of sex. There are legal and ethical ways to get physical intimacy, validation, orgasms, etc.
Friends with benefits is my go-to. Sprinkle in the occasional one night stand.
But IMO, If you can have sex once, then you can have sex twice. The proof of concept works, you’re attractive enough to bang. Now you just have to figure out how to properly market yourself.
I recently stumbled onto a category called “ethical porn.” Perhaps there’s something similar for escorts to ease your concerns.
I agree with your ethics about sex workers. Whether they’re being actively pimped or not, they wouldn’t be having sex with you (or any of their other clients) because they actually want to.
As to solving your problem, get out there and give it your best shot. Whether it’s online dating or the old fashioned way, you don’t get if you don’t ask. Better to try and get to know some women and ask them out than to do nothing. One might end up with you being alone, the other definitely will.
jorkin it
I jerk off, it’s not that complicated.
If you go looking for love, you are more likely to find a suitable expression of that love then if you simply go looking for the expression.
High end escorts.
They’re not exploited/trafficked—just look for the independent ones (i.e., not through an agency). I was in a similar situation to you at 32 (except zero sex, relationships, ever), hired an escort, had a great experience, and continue to see them regularly. I don’t regret it at all and wish I would have done it sooner.
Nothing wrong with going to a professional. It’s mostly the fact it’s illegal and the social stigma. I started going to them more frequently and I can say it’s 100% worth for my mental health alone. It helps wash off some of that ‘social stink’ and lets you just be more yourself in actual social situations.
I’ve never met anyone who really felt like exploiting. If anything you’re the one being exploited. But in reality, most of them are really good people after you talk to them like any other person.
I’d focus on the underlying cause. Have you ever been to therapy? Do you have close friends, and what kind of feedback do they give you? What are your interests or hobbies? How do you generally interact with people? Try to identify the source of the issue, not just the outlet.
First of all, you’re committing a classical statistical fallacy. That something has or has happen many times does not mean that will keep happening or not happening – you can’t conclude it _unless you know more about it_.
We can say that the sun will rise tomorrow not because you see it on the horizon every day, but because we know how the Earth moves with respect to it. And one day it will _not_ rise at all. That the fallacy has been committed uncountable times in history doesn’t make it less wrong.
You have no such knowledge about your romantic future. But you can certainly sabotage it if you act like it was true.
Giving up at 32 is silly. People have found the right person much later in life than that. Or never found it. The point is that _you don’t know_ until your life is over. It’s a probability game, and what you need to do is maximizing probabilities.
That said, there’s nothing unethical or immoral in consensual sex. It’s as natural as eating or breathing. What would be unethical or immoral is to force yourself on someone who doesn’t want to. So long they consent, you owe them the respect you would to any other person making their choices (bar obvious conditions of duress, of course. A hooker on the street is very likely under duress).
As for escorts, from what I read some women are exploited, some are not. Just ask them.
However I guess it would be a bit like casual sex: it’s not really that satisfying because what makes sex _really good_ is being emotionally near the person you are having sex with.
After a little (admittedly fun 🙂 ) while, casual or uninvolved sex just doesn’t give you what you really want, which is nearness.
So your problem is not so much an ethical one, but that nothing replaces the real thing – after you’re up in age and experience, good sex is generally possible only with someone with whom you are near with.
Sure, you haven’t had many experiences so nothing wrong with a few with some escorts, but after a while it will just not do very much at all. And pay attention not to fall in love with a girl.
Another issue to think of is that you would dedicate energy and resources to something that you _know_ will not get you an inch nearer to what you want (e.g. a companion you love and with whom having sex is great). So there’s that aspect.
If I were you, I’d rather use my time and money to figure out how to improve your chances of meeting the right lady rather than on escorts. Not for ethical or moral reasons, but just because it’s much more likely to pay off and make your life better. Taking daily showers, brushing your teeth 2 minutes morning and evening, learning to get fit and using fresh clothes every day make wonders to your romantic chances.
I would either get an escort, or look into online dating and find a potential partner who is different from the type of girl you usually try to attract.
Slightly different response than perhaps you’re after but I genuinely think you need to take the pressure off sex, park it and focus on the other aspects of relationships, friendships etc. have you tried any sort of dating? Had any offers for drinks or similar from a female friend?
Because I’d say completely forget about sex, enjoy some time in some female company and you’ll be surprised how much easier it is to handle relationships when you relinquish the pressure on yourself to have sex. I wouldn’t give up at your age, but I’d focus on hobbies, interests and socialising in general and anything else may, or may not follow but you’ll get less stressed about it.
As for actively looking for a release, well I don’t consider an escort a bad idea so long as you aren’t looking for anything/anyone seedy, do your research and I think it could be an option. Having known an escort previously, it’s nowhere near as uncommon as you might think for someone with limited experience to hire them.
You know what the problem is. Work on it.
Start exercising, even if you just walk around the block once a day. Start eating better. Make better choices.
Work on your hygiene and style. Find a haircut that suits you, and get on a regular schedule to keep it fresh, at a proper hair salon or barber shop. Start wearing clothes that fit you and suit your style.
Start getting advice from your female friends and acquaintances. If you have absolutely no female friends, that needs to change first. Start building your social circle with both men and women, it’s easiest to do this in groups. Find group activities you like to do and meet people.
Nobody is a lost cause. I’ve seen some seriously quasimodo looking dudes pull chicks, but they clearly respected themselves.
Female here, I’m curious as to why you say women aren’t interested in you? I see men I would be interested in all the time, but it seems most of the people that I am interested in are taken… but therein lies the problem… I’m too scared to approach men to find out… is it possible that’s what your issue is as well?
Sex work. I say this as a 50M whose sanity and life has been saved by making sure my physical intimacy needs are meet that way.
I’m gonna be different and actually answer the question.
I’m in the same boat, but ive had sex 2 times in the last 15 years. I need longer than a casual interaction to get my game going. Which is how I had sex thise two times. Otherwise women in public wont stick around long enough to see why.
In the meantime…
I buy those expensive masturbator toys. Mainly go for silicone, bc they’re more durable and last much longer, even tho they cost 2x to 3x more than the cheap ones youd get at sex stores.
I kind of want a sex doll, but they arent quite what im looking for. Tho the bodies look good, but I doubt I’d ever get used to the face.
Porn and a few years ago I got into erotica novels and fanfiction of characters I found attractive. Never thought id get off to words, but now it’s almost a preference if thr story is good.
the good ol left hand. sometimes i feel creative and use my right. i then let my despair consume me. i think this would be the case until my hands fall off or i do. isnt that amazing?
Hookers and blow
Ask more girls if they’d like to have sex with you.
I am 44m and single. I met a girl locally and she moved to NYC. So every 3 month I fly there and we have wild sex for a 4-5 day and then go home.
If I could not get women to date me, I think I would just save up a bunch of money and move to somewhere where white people are seen as unique and attractive. You may not have luck wherever you were born, but if you move somewhere where there aren’t many of whatever race you are, people will date you out of novelty.
Every two months I go and stay in a hotel for 4-5 days in a tourist destination, then use Google Nano Bana Pro, Grok imagine to create all kinds of fantasies and jerk off as much as possible and return to normal life
Escort here, just do some research and how to identify sex trafficking. The majority of sex workers are not being trafficked.
Escorts are exploiting you, not the other way around. Pay for BJ’s the first couple times and see how you feel about it.
“women are not interested in me” – WHY? You need to answer this question to fix it.
You aren’t a static unalterable thing. Plenty of people have had glow ups in their thirties. You can make your physical body and your personality more attractive.
My advice:
1. Stop worrying about getting laid.
2. Start worrying about your health and mental wellbeing. Get fit. Get on antidepresants or ADHD meds if you need em. Go to therapy.
3. Live your best life, and make sure it includes social activities. People who do things they love are attractive to other people who also love that thing! No negativity.
Well my strategy was work on myself to become a well rounded man and that worked well.
But another strategy you could adopt is going to swinger clubs on days that single men are allowed. It might help you build a bit confidence.
Im sorry to hear that – get out there mate?
Im 10ish years older than you, sex is an important part of my life…. my wife is the same age as me, so we dont jump into bed daily, but sex is so much more than that, morning kisses and so on.
If you’re single just go get hookers.
I would figure out what you’re doing wrong, but just go bust a nut