My girlfriend (23F) believes that unconditional love means that I (23M) would get back with her after she breaks up with me and hooks up with another guy. This hypothetical (of course) turned into an argument. I told her no, I would not get back with her. I would still love her but it does not mean I would want to be with her. Am I crazy? She got really upset saying that I don’t love her and that she would get back with me if I would do that to her… I just don’t think that way.
In my mind, if someone breaks up with me, I presume they have truly thought about it and that is what they desire. In the effort of being mature, I wish to respect their wishes and allow us to both move on. Likewise, I believe that, “if I truly loved her,” I would understand her feelings (that she no longer wants to be with me because I no longer make her happy) despite what I may feel. In fact, my thought process provides that selflessness over selfishness is the true evidence of love, i.e., if she truly feels that way and makes that final decision, I will honor and respect it despite what I want.
I have seen many toxic relationships post breakup (friends with benefits, affairs with ex’s, etc.) and I want no part in that. I think we are too old for that bullshit. If she were to make that decision, I would accept it and step aside. I would, however, be completely broken because she is my person and the love of my life. Yet, this is precisely the reason I would not stand in the way of her moving on and attempting to find true happiness. I just care so much— even if that means I have to step aside. Why would I disrespect her decision, contribute to toxicity, and harm her future happiness if I truly cared about her and loved her?
I told her this and she said that my love is not unconditional and I do not truly love her. I reassured her that I do and tried to come up with an analogy. The basic premise is that love does not equal wanting to be with each other. The analogy: if I cheated on her (showing I’m not committed) and then we broke up and I got with another person (confirming my decision)… she said we would be done. However, if she broke up with me (showing she is no longer committed) and she got with another guy (confirming her decision), how could I be expected to come crawling back?
I would still love her (as hurt as I would be); however, my love for her would prevent me from intervening and preventing her on finding other people that fulfill her needs. Obviously, if someone breaks up with me, I will consider that final. Further, if someone subsequently gets with another guy, I will not disrupt that and burden her happiness. That’s not being a coward, it’s being a gentleman. Who would I be if I got in the way of another’s relationship (I wouldn’t want that to happen to me). Likewise, who would I be if I took her back after breaking up and getting with another guy (it would disrespectful to both to me and her (in her journey of moving on)).
She said she would take me back and was disappointed and hurt that I would not do the same. My position is drawn in concrete. I’m not going to give in and let you break up with me, get with another guy, expect me to be there waiting to take you back, and get guilted for saying otherwise. I think if I would have told her that I would be cool with that, it would have given her implicit permission to do whatever. I think breaking up is serious. I’m not going to entertain the slippery slope of toxicity. Please let me know if I am off base.
Is the a red flag??
Thanks.
TL;DR: Gf is mad that I would not get back with her if she broke up and got with another guy.