Hi, I don't know anyone in my life I feel comfortable sharing this with, so I'm writing it here, hoping that someone can relate and share their experience. Also, I wrote this very quickly, so I apologize if it's not particularly high-quality.
What prompted me to finally admit this to myself was turning down the possibility of a hookup with a beautiful woman I met yesterday at a wedding. We flirted, danced, had fun. And when she finally kissed me… I panicked and left for a bit. When I came back and she tried to push this further, I told her I didn't want to and just left.
Now, a few things to say. First, I'm not asexual, I'm attracted to women. Second: I don't have low libido or desire, I actually wanted to do this. Third, I'm not a prude and I don't associate strong moral value with sex, I'm pretty open-minded about it.
This is not the first time it has happened. Actually, I turned down sex every single time before, and I'm still a virgin as a result, despite my age.
I also want to point out that I'm completely "normal" on the outside. I can be confident, attractive, and I can flirt. I'm not saying this to humble-brag, and I hope it doesn't come across that way, I just think it's important for what I'm about to say next. This is not from a lack of opportunities, and nobody in my life would ever guess this about me. It's my secret.
I used to be unattractive and awkward during my teens and early 20s. I built my "new me" only in the past few years, after a lot of personal growth. I got fit, I got a great career, and I'm generally a confident person. But I have built a mask, where I only show the best parts of me to the outside world. Deep inside, I still feel like that unattractive, awkward kid. The idea of sex makes me feel exposed, it makes me feel like I will be vulnerable, and they will see the absolute fucking mess that I'm inside. It doesn't help that I see sex as a performance, even though I know it shouldn't be like this. I'm afraid I will not be able to please her, or worse, I will disgust her, and this will destroy my idea of self-worth. So my ego is trying to protect me from that, I guess.
Some of you will probably say I need therapy, and maybe you are right. I will consider that, but at the moment, I just wanted to share it here and hear other perspectives.
Some of you may also say that my first time should be with someone I trust and not a hookup. This may be true for some, but as I said, I'm very open-minded about sex. I don't believe the first time needs to be with someone "special", but I can understand that this may be true for others. And that said, I had the same problem while trying to escalate physically with potential romantic partners.
The problem is not that I didn't have sex with this woman specifically, although it was the trigger for writing this post. I do regret it, yes, but it doesn't really matter in the end. The problem is the pattern: whatever prevented me from doing it this time and other times in the past, will keep repeating in the future over and over again.
Everyone around me seems to be having sex effortlessly, and I really feel alone in this. So I want to understand if anyone feels the same, or used to feel the same, and what did you do about it.