I’m 28F and my boyfriend is 29M. We’ve been together for about 8 years. Throughout our relationship, I’ve generally been the one to take initiative on things — I asked him out originally and usually plan most of our dates. I know that initiating isn’t really his personality, so I’ve tried to accommodate that over the years.
After most fights, I’m always the one to reach out first to restart communication. I also end up having to explain why I felt hurt and what I need from him next time (usually the same points I keep repeating). He apologizes a lot and makes big promises to improve, which seems genuine, but the pattern repeats — when the next fight comes, nothing changed, as if we never had those talks before. When I bring it up, he always has some excuse like he forgot, or he thought this time was different, or he needed time to focus on himself.
After our most recent fight, I didn’t reach out first for once. It’s now been 14 days with no contact. I’ve noticed he’s still going about his life (hobbies, games), but he hasn’t tried to resolve things. I know that if I reached out, we’d probably talk and make up and things would feel “fixed” quickly, but I’ve been feeling sad and stuck waiting for him, and I don’t want to reinforce a dynamic where silence is acceptable because I’ll always cave.
I don’t think he wants to break up; I get the sense he’s just waiting for me to reach out. He’s a good boyfriend in many other ways — he makes sacrifices and positive changes in other aspects of our relationship — but this is the one issue he refuses to work on. I love him and value our relationship, but I’m unsure if I can put up with this cycle forever or if it’s healthy for me to stay. I also don’t know what to do if he never reaches out.
How should I handle this situation? Are there ways I can maintain my boundaries while addressing the repeated silence, or should I consider other options?
TL;DR My boyfriend of 8 years hasn’t contacted me in 14 days after a fight. I’ve usually been the one to initiate communication, and this pattern has continued despite his promises to change. He’s a good boyfriend in other ways, but refuses to initiate after conflicts. I love him and value the relationship, but I’m unsure how to handle the repeated silence and whether it’s healthy to stay. How can I approach this while maintaining my boundaries?