We've been together for 8 years, married for 3 years. Back in January my husband's work was bought out by another company and they declined to take any workers with. There was already a lot of animosity because 4 of the bosses 5 children worked there and pretty much came and went as they pleased, leaving everyone else to pick up the slack. To make matters worse, shortly before the buyout, his boss accidentally sent a spreadsheet with everyone's pay for the year, and he found out the children of his boss were making 3 times what everyone else was making, despite doing the same job.
He was extremely hurt by the entire situation, and said he wanted a couple weeks to think over where he wanted to go from here and if he wanted an entirely different career path. I didn't agree, but went with it on the condition that he start applying for jobs in 2 weeks as my pay could only cover rent, insurance, and utilities. I also can not pick up more hours since A) I'm already full time at my job and B) I'm also a full time student that is technically not supposed to work more than 15 hours/week and can be kicked out of my program for working.
Months have passed and he still has no job. He refuses to apply for jobs because it's "too stressful", so I've been applying to jobs for him and when they reach out for an interview, he ignores them. We've ran through our savings and had to start using credit cards for groceries, gas and other expenses that have popped up. All of our CCs are officially maxed out and we have no way to pay them. I thought that might be a wake up call for him to finally get a job, but it wasn't. I caved and got a second job, so now I'm either working or in school 7 days a week from 7 AM to 10 PM.
I'm exhausted. I've had to stop taking the medication I've been on for 15 years for anxiety and depression because we can't afford the $25 copay. We haven't bought a single christmas present and have no idea how we're going to. There's days where we don't eat because we have no food here and no way to buy food. We're like 2 months behind on two of the CCs, conveniently the ones in my name, because he still pays his knowing it will put our bank account in the negative. My 800 credit score has plummeted to 575.
Whenever I try to talk to him about how royally screwed we are, he acts like it's an attack on him. He constantly complains about how boring it is sitting at home 24/7 and then gets mad at me when he wants to go out and do something to get out of the house, but I have to be the reality check and remind him we have no money to go do things. I've been begging, crying, and pleading for months to get a job, literally any job, but he just won't do it and I don't know what else to say to him. I don't want to give him an ultimatum and say I'll leave, but it might come down to it. How can I get it through his head how serious this situation is?
TL;DR: My husband refuses to get a job, despite the fact that we can't afford to have him not work.
49 comments
Divorce. It’ll be easier to support just yourself than him as well, and that may force him to legally provide alimony. He knows how serious things are- he probably noticed somewhere around ‘not eating’- he just doesn’t care. He’s probably suffering from mental health issues that therapy would help, but honestly you don’t have the time for him to sort that out, you need him working now.
Time to cut your losses and get out. Let him wallow in his misery.
What are your options?
Can you get a divorce, sell the house and use the equity to pay the bills and start fresh? How can he be home doing nothing when the family is struggling? Even working a minimum wage job would help and he isn’t doing that. Maybe it is depression but at the end of the day it’s all an excuse to do nothing. Can you move into family’s home without him while you put the house up for sale?
You should have divorced him before you ever got that second job. You’re drowning yourself. When a partner turns into a parasite and doesnt care how it’s effecting everyone else in the family unit you cut that person out if the equation.
You’ll have to do the hard thing. Save yourself. He won’t do it. He is OK with seeing you put your future (your program) in jeopardy and also have you work two jobs. He is fine with having you scrimp and for you to hurt your own finances.
He is deep on his fee fee’s I’m sure but at some point the suffering of your situation and your partner should knock some sense into you. Alas…
Everyone will say “talk to him” as if you haven’t done that a zillion times and begged and pleaded. I think the next talk should be you rolling out that he is to move out. It costs too much to feed him and take care of him on your efforts alone, so he needs to go.
Also look into aid you have locally. Yes food banks, and a visit to a food pantry. You’ll have food and be able to at least save that cost while you get sorted.
He is content to wallow and be sad that the world didn’t make his family rich business owners, but them are the breaks, and us working class nobodies get shafted a lot. Too bad, so sad.
He needs mental health help and all sorts of things, but he can do that once he gets his ass a job. You have no time for his personal journey the way things are going financially. He can do like the rest of us and earn his bread and then get help.
He doesn’t seem to understand what real stress is, and needs to be thrown into it because he won’t have you to take the brunt of it all… he will find that the stress of working is better than the stress of not working once he has to do for himself.
No, you actually have to give him an ultimatum at this point. The way he is treating you is horrifying. When you’re young and single and you decide to fuck up your own life, that’s one thing. But when he married you he became responsible for and to you as well, and he is LITERALLY destroying your life. That’s not an exaggeration, please hear this, you are NOT overreacting. You are under reacting if anything. He’s tanking your credit, he’s crippling you with debt, and he’s creating a situation that is disastrous for your mental health. And he doesn’t even seem to care. He has zero guilt for what he is putting you through. This person does not care about you, he does not love you, and he is not a good partner, period. I cannot imagine putting my partner through anything remotely like this, the guilt would eat me alive.
Do you have any friends or family you could stay with to help you sort things out and recover financially? If you could get some living expenses covered for a little bit to let you catch up on debt that would be the best option. Hopefully whatever school you’re doing is going to net you a better paying job and you’ll be able to dig out of this. I hope you have a support system because your husband is completely and utterly failing at being that for you. If I were you I don’t think I could ever move past this or forgive him.
Look, call the women shelters. Stop holding on to your desperation for a man over your own health. Look up the law about renter’s rights to abandon lease bc of abuse and get out. Go to a shelter avail yourself upon every single aid available to you (pantries, closets, charities) get a legal separation to keep him away from driving your debt up further.
If you don’t love yourself enough to get out of this situation where you are STARVING, you can’t expect anyone that you are with to love and consider you more than you do yourself.
What the hell is he doing all day? You need to get a divorce. It’s past the point where you would give him an ultimatum, that should have happened months ago. At this point you need to save yourself and your future.
Find a lawyer who will give a free consultation to see how your finances would work here and then make your next moves. If you were my friend I’d let you crash with me rent free until you got back on your feet – do you have friends or family you can stay with temporarily? If so, then talk to your landlord about breaking the lease. Then lastly you talk to your husband. You can frame it as a separation, that you don’t want to divorce him but he is leaving you no choice, if he gets his act together and gets a job then you’d be open to staying in your marriage, but the current situation is not tenable. Then LEAVE. If you can crash with a friend your finances will bounce back quickly from your two jobs and obviously great work ethic.
In the meantime please reach out to some food banks for help. Many of them will pack up a box for you to pick up when it’s convenient for you. This is what food banks are for.
Move out, call a debt consolidation company and close the cards to avoid interest and late fees and pay one lump sum each month. Cambridge credit counseling is a great option. This person has you as a safety net and you’re barely there for yourself. You got this. Idk if you necessarily need to be divorced at the moment — idk how much more financial pressure that would bring but you need to change all your financial and banking information and get out. Maybe file for divorced later as long as he doesn’t have any access to your personal information to open any other accounts.
So, let him feel attacked. How is that any worse than you feeling abandoned?
He’s doing this because there are no consequences.
Take a semester off of school, consult an attorney and get rid of this huge dead weight
Divorce.
Talk to your university. Can you apply for student housing? Can you move in with your parents?
Talk to the landlord and see about getting out of the lease. It’s better to leave versus get evicted. If they will let you out of the lease. Pack up everything you want and leave. File for divorce. Print off the paperwork online and give it to him.
This is a deal breaker. He is doing nothing. Personally I would use the money I earn to consult an attorney. Divorce and bankruptcy is probably the fix, unfortunately. That’s really awful that he has dumped all this on you and isn’t helping.
Divorce might wake him up
You cannot force him to care. You can only decide at what point you no longer wish to allow him to keep dragging you down.
Get a divorce consultation with a lawyer. You deserve to know how to extricate yourself from this situation with a minimal amount of further harm to you. You may need to declare bankruptcy or something similar but you need to know how to do that legally while married, separated, or after divorce.
When you tell him you want a separation/divorce, he may suddenly flip his behavior and start “trying” hard to do all the things you’ve been begging him to do. Don’t be swayed. He’ll “try” until you back off from the idea of divorce and then you’ll be right back where you started.
There’s nothing left to save here. He does not care about you. Don’t let him lie to you anymore.
OP leave now & save yourself this guy is trash and ruining everything you’ve worked for.
You’re enabling him. You need to divorce him asap. He will make you homeless.
It’s time to tell him job or your leaving do not give him money at all put it in a separate account and pay the bills don’t let him pay his
Do not put up with any more of this.
Would counseling help? Don’t say We can’t afford it — you can’t afford not to.
Or just leave him. Save yourself.
I mean, you should contact an attorney and divorce him, but in the meantime, don’t pay for anything that’s for him. Spend your money on bills, food and necessities for you. If he wants to eat, he needs to send out at least x job applications a day, and say yes to every interview.
Honey, do not set yourself on fire to jeep someone else warm.
He’s not a partner. He’s going to destroy you financially and emotionally. Cut your losses and leave. I bet he gets a job immediately
Not to scare you… But, you are way overdue for action. You can’t save him, but you can save yourself. Get out now!
If you’re not ready to divorce, just separate. If he refuses to get a job, leave. Get an affordable studio or 1 br and be on your own. Separate your finances. Unless he’s willing to be homeless, he will get off his ass and find a job. This will be his wake-up call. I understand his upset about the disparity between his pay and that of his former bosses children. Something similar happened to me, but that’s over! At least by separation, it could be temporary until he’s back to his normal self and doesn’t have to be permanent (divorce) or expensive (divorce lawyers).
Definitely worth consulting a lawyer. Your situation sounds tough; prioritizing your well-being should come first.
I would start the process of legally separating from him and getting out of the lease. I think you could find a roommate situation. That would allow you to dig out of your situation. Being in college, there should be resources there to help you find a place and probably access to counseling.
I’m sorry you are going through this. You cant force him to change and you can’t keep going like this.
Time to kick him to the curb.
You don’t have kids? Divorce. Why even be with someone who is making your life worse than it already is. Set yourself free.
Get a divorce attorney and a bankruptcy attorney to give the best advice. You need a fresh start minus the dead weight husband.
You’re drowning and he isn’t just dragging you down. He’s standing on your head and pushing you below the water so he can stay afloat.
Kick him out or move out. Find a cheaper place WITHOUT him. One less mouth to feed and fewer utilities to pay. Call a lawyer and get on a payment plan to divorce this horrible person who doesn’t care about you and will happily destroy your life for his own gratification.
This is the time for YOU to choose YOU.
Open a bank account tomorrow in your name only. ALL money YOU make goes THERE now. That money only goes towards taking care of YOU. Find a cheap little room or apartment temporarily until you finish school. You can break your lease because he is 100% abusing you.
Get out now. This won’t get better. He is going to drown you both, it’s up to you if you sink or swim to the top. You got this. Now go.
He’s gotten used to the easy life. He doesn’t care that it’s stressing you. He’s pretending like he hates it so you don’t catch on that he has no intention of looking for a job. I’d leave. Support yourself. Get out before he can collect palimony. You are better off leaving now rather than supporting the both of you indefinitely. I’d get a lawyer and get out ASAP.
Edited to add: you are going without food for someone who refuses to work? He is able bodied. He is willing for you to go without food so he doesn’t have to work? What an absolute turd. He’s a farking loser if he’s willing to let you go without food and have two jobs so he doesn’t have to get any job. Why do you put up with that? I don’t understand. Why do you put up with a person who would let you go hungry over doing his part and contributing?
You NEED to divorce him.
In the meantime, get a separate account with only your name on it. All of your income goes ONLY into that account. You use that money to pay YOUR bills, not his. He has shown that he doesn’t care about you or your marriage, so you don’t owe him anything.
Try to save a bit as well so you can move out.
DIVORCE HIM GIRL!! You do not deserve this!!
At the point where your health and well being are at stake, it’s beyond time to adjust fire. You’re formally in emergency mode and crisis management.
Close the joint accounts, move your pay to a new personal account. He can’t be financially trusted, so you need to start separating things.
Look at options for short term rentals, friends who you can trust, shelters. I saw you post in some comments some history dealing with these places, but it’s time to reach out.
I suggest you DO NOT talk to him about leaving, and just plan out your steps. You can let him know what’s happening once you’ve got things locked in and are on your way
FWIW it sounds like your husband is quite depressed. But YOU cannot fix it, and really need to be focused on managing your own emergency here.
This is not the end, so don’t think you’re abandoning him. But you can’t help anyone if you’re being dragged under water with everything. At the end of the day, he’s an adult and can’t just check out of life.
Is he just not applying anywhere at all? If he’s really not even trying, or looking into options to help offset the cost of living that YOU are carrying yourself, it’s time to leave.
I had an ex that went through several jobs in 2 years with months and months of employment gaps that *I* had to carry by myself.
After the third year, I had enough of our toxic relationship (there were other things wrong too but) and left him.
Now I’m suing him because he owes me money he never paid me for covering things like his rent and utilities, meals, hotel rooms for trips etc.
If he won’t change after your crying, begging, and pleading with him to just get *something*, I’m really sorry but you’re tormenting yourself being chained to this person. Its painful to hear that he’s doing this to you even after you’ve got down on your knees and begged for change.
You can’t get him to care because he’s selfish and lazy. You’ve enabled him. Now you have to either live like this or divorce him.
Lock that man out of your house.
There is nothing you can do to get him to care. He either will or he won’t.
He sounds like he needs professional help. Has he seen his doctor to talk about depression or otherwise describe his symptoms and get help? You cat keep living this way – that much is clear.
Don’t give an ultimatum. Don’t threaten to leave.
LEAVE NOW.
This man is literally showing you that he will *drown* you so that he doesn’t have to even try to swim. Why are you killing yourself for him? He doesn’t give a single shit about you. He’s not stupid enough that he can’t see what he’s doing to you. He. Doesn’t. Care.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You need to go see a divorce attorney. The consultation should be free.
Leave him. You cannot fix him.
Divorce you don’t deserve this.
Your husband is extremely selfish. I understand why you would want to keep the marriage and I’m usually not a break up right away person, but he is showing you his true colours here. He’s paying his credit cards and not the ones in your name because he does not care about your credit or bank account. He doesn’t care about buying anyone Christmas gifts (while refusing to earn money) because he only cares about him. Same with the anxiety medication, etc.
With these kinds of people, it does not matter how much you beg, cry and plead. You won’t get it through his head because he does not give two f**ks about you.
You’re in school and can’t work, so it’s probably a really good program where you’ll probably get a pretty good job, right? If he’s mooching off you broke he will mooch off you richer as well.
Leave his ass.
I’d divorce him. There is no excuse for this behavior. Do you have family you could move in with for awhile? Get your own bank account and take control of all of the money. You could try telling him he has 30 days to get a job or leave.
Start paying your credit cards and let everything in his name go to hell. After are better file his release paperwork. And hurry up. Because depending where you live you don’t want to be paying HIM alimony.
Close out the account that he’s overdrafting to pay his credit cards with (HIS!!! WTF!!). Open a new account in just your name. It’s time to take care of YOU.
Firstly, separate your finances. Open an individual bank account and get your salary paid into that. Don’t give him access to it. Freeze any shared credit cards if you can, and if not then call the bank and explain the situation; they can usually arrange reduced payment schedules or something that will help.
Secondly, let him know you’ve done it and that he needs to work out how he’s going to pay his bills. Encourage him to seek medical support if he needs it.
Thirdly, contact a voluntary organisation that advises on debt. They’ll know what can be done in your circumstances. He may need to file for bankruptcy, but you may well find it’s better not to go bankrupt yourself so that at least one of you can still have enough credit score to rent a mobile phone or an apartment.
All this means your money will be paying your bills and essentials like food and medical care, not his shopping debts.
Is your husband on any medication? He sounds like he’s depressed. It’s not an excuse for his behavior, but a reason.
1. He probably needs medication
2. See if you qualify for SNAP
3. See if you qualify for Medicaid
4. Stop paying credit cards (for now).
5. Depending on how bad the debt situation is, chapter 7 is relief.