This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Has anyone felt this? I was with my ex for over six years and things ended around September last year. Since then I’ve dated, had some brief flings and plenty of dates but nothing too substantial. Now I’m two months in with someone I really like and I’m so into them, in a way that feels good because we didn’t rush anything. However, it’s only really occurred to me now that early relationships are and should be very different to established ones and that while I’ve only been single for just over a year, it has actually been seven or so years since I’ve been in this situation. It’s exciting but also the cause of some anxiety as I don’t want to fall into the trap of getting overly comfortable too soon, if that makes sense?
I also feel slightly strange about sharing certain things with my new partner that were meaningful between my ex and I, such as a Christmas song I love and that we used to enjoy listening to together. It isn’t that I miss my ex, as the breakup was long overdue, but it has suddenly brought up some thoughts I hadn’t been having before.
Not sure how coherent these thoughts are but I wanted to write them down and see if others could relate.
I thought first dates were supposed to be like vibe checks. Why is this guy inviting me to the ballet???
And most importantly, should I go? 👀
It’s been a roller coaster weekend. My ex basically confirmed all he wanted was sex. He tried to manipulate me into it this weekend and asked what was so wrong with me wanting love and him wanting sex. I told him how hurtful that was especially after everything. He apologized and promised to leave me alone.
How do I trust again now when he got so deep in with me but meant like none of it?
I went on another date with that nice work adjacent man and didn’t let him inside at the end of the night. I just really need to be sure someone wants me, not what I can give them, and I’m not sure how to be certain of that any more.
I’ve been seeing a guy I like for a couple months, but his coparenting situation really sucks right now. I’m thinking about whether I should call it off and tell him he should reach back out when he’s spread less thin/has a better coparenting relationship with his ex
I thought my birthday was going to be… lonely this year.
This woman has been bound and determined to ensure that I’d not experience that and instead would feel wanted, desired, and cared for. Hearing, “I don’t mind what we do for your birthday, I just want to be with you.” And, “getting to spend this time with you on your birthday meant a lot to me, thank you.” We’re not on my bingo card for 2025 after my shittty October.
Then proceeding to have an incredible night, spending our first overnight together, and a nice (sleepy) morning (we had to get up early for her to go to work, but we went to bed kinda late).
It’s weird because I wasn’t sure if I was ready initially, but the more she shows me the more I’ve realized that her warmth, kindness, and desire for connection are answers to questions I’ve always had. I learned a lot and realized the person I was dating wasn’t lying, there are people who will treat me like I wanted to be treated. I had wanted it to be her, but she wasn’t able to and she struggled to communicate what more she needed from me. It was clear the way I was showing up for her didn’t work for her and I was unable to communicate effectively towards her to help clarify.
But I’m showing up the way I’ve always shown up and the way my love is being received is an absolute game changer for both of us. I feel so seen and warm and she’s feeling the same.
We’re still taking our time with the bigger steps, but we’re finding comfort and care in what we’re doing. And, for those of you going through it rn, things can get better. Those dark depths suck, but work on yourself and take care of you. Take some risks and just be honest and open.
i’m struggling with dating after moving back to be close to family. incidentally, i have really distanced myself from my sister but i want to pick up some stuff. the amount of anxiety that i get from even trying to schedule this is too much.
listen, everyone has someone who gives too much advice. this is her.
my clothes. my dating. my work. i have never really approved of her partner (and neither has her) but now they are trying for children. if anything, hopefully that keeps her more preoccupied
I had a small talk conversation with him! And nobody disintegrated or turned into an alien. It was just small talk to ask for his birthday plans – it’s coming up this week, and to wish him a happy birthday (a few days early, which I did acknowledge)
Feeling a tiny bit guilty over a date situation from today. And a tiny bit guilty for not feeling MORE guilty about it.
Had a first date with L about 1.5 weeks ago now and it was honestly a very nice date, decent conversation and had a kiss at the end (it did end a bit more ignobly after that, but that was out of our hands). Having said that, it was really just “nice” and I wasn’t exactly set on fire by it… But, y’know, that’s fine, right? It’s what a first date is for, to see if there is curiosity to keep seeing each other. And there IS.
The problem is that this whole last week since our date has been **the** Christmas party week for me. There’s been deadlines at work plus three separate events and so I’ve had barely no time to myself or gym or anything.
I had arranged with L to have our second date this evening and had proposed a chill trip to maybe see a movie or something. However, with everything else going on, I didn’t really go much further with planning until yesterday morning when I suggested a couple of options and then didn’t hear back from her until today. And it sort of came out that she prefers having more concrete plans (understandable) so we just agreed to rain check tonight. And unfortunately I’m away home for the Christmas break this week, so it’ll be postponed till after New Years (if it happens at all).
So. Like I say, I feel a bit guilty about not having the bandwidth to ACTUALLY set up a second date with her, which could well have been really nice… And I also feel a bit guilty about the fact that really I’m actually kinda relieved I get to have a night off to myself tonight instead. I can be lazy and not speak to people and sit around and be stinky and stuff.
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Birthday coming up. I wish more of my friends made a more active attempt to be in my life. I know they have their own lives and family and I’ve asked some of them if they wanted to do something with me—some have had excuses, some didn’t respond (typical), but one says he will come out to sushi or anything else I want to do as it’s my birthday. I didn’t even bother with some of my friends as I know it’s unlikely they will want to do anything. I know y’all will say get new friends, and I’m trying to do that, I promise, it’s hard. I’ve gone to all the social things that I can this past couple of months, made a bunch of people meals when they have life events, reached out and followed up, and I’m tired. I’m glad I had one friend that showed enthusiasm (grateful).
Dating seems to be doing better than friends but I really don’t want to put all my energy in my romantic partners because I want a community I can depend on. Don’t really have the community or the romantic partner but I suppose some of it will come together eventually
I ended up not asking him to be exclusive. I do know he’s not dating multiple people because he told me he doesn’t do that because he likes to focus on one person at a time, which is nice to hear..
But he was burned pretty badly by his last GF last year (she cheated) and he told me he really wants to take getting to know me slow, and how it’s only been three weeks. Which I guess is fair. I guess I just feel strong feelings for him and we’ve been sleeping together, so it’s made me a bit emotional.
I think I’m going to mentally step back a little for my own sake.
Did I screw up? I had a great date Friday night. It lasted several hours, she gave me her number, she said we should go on another date, and she texted me first when she got home saying she had a great time. I responded reciprocating the feeling and saying I can’t wait to see her again.
Saturday afternoon I sent her a picture of a new car I just purchased. I had mentioned on the date that I had recently got into an accident and was going car shopping that day. No response on that text. This morning I texted her asking when she’d be free to go on another date and I haven’t got a response yet. It’s only been a couple of hours and it’s still fairly early, but now I feel like I waited too long and now she’s lost interest.
Edit: She did text me back saying she’s more interested in someone else.
Almost a week after he blindsided me with the breakup. I’ve had a distraction to help me a little all last week that ends today. I’m not sure what it’s going to feel like when all I have is me in the evening.
I have chatted with a couple people through the apps. Not at all ready to jump back into anything again yet, but they seem to just want the companionship on their side as well, so that’s helpful.
One freaking day at a time.
I was trying to get out of my comfort zone last night and just talk to random men at the bar, with no goal other than practicing approaching people. It was fun, everyone was nice, and a guy asked for my… LINKEDIN?? That was a first. I later found out it was because he was married lol. It’s rough out here.
Our 3rd date is planned for 12/20. Do I give her an Xmas gift? Or would that be too much so early
Phew boyyy, here goes:
1 – Discovered a new piece of info about that [awful date](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1oud70q/comment/nobzh0f/?context=3) that I can’t seem to stop fixating on. (it has come up in therapy don’t worry). After reading a reply in another daily sticky, I realized the reason why the date was so off and bizarre was because the guy was trying (and failing miserably) to use pick up artist (PUA) tactics on me LMAOOOO. I have been oscillating between cracking up over this and being mortified that I actually ended up on a date with someone like that.
I didn’t realize that was what was happening because he didn’t pull some of the more obvious tactics on me— no negging, rejected and avoided nearly all of the physical touch attempts (thankfully because he asked before trying), I let him talk about himself for the majority of the date (and even if I didn’t he wasn’t going to let me), when the focus was on me I redirected it back to him because there was a lot of weird overreaching happening (tried to give me unsolicited career advice, gave me compliments that sounded really canned and disingenuous [I didn’t engage in either], tried to advocate on my behalf when I didn’t need or ask for it [server took soup I was done eating and he asked me why I let her do that?] [also this](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1pk14og/comment/ntids18/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)). Also learned I might’ve curbed the the negging due to something called shit testing, except I wasn’t testing him, I was genuinely calling out obvious behavior, but apparently PUA see this as a fun challenge, who knew? That explains the weird jokes about me “misbehaving”, I just thought he had an awkward (read: bad) sense of humor, I didn’t realize it was an attempt to get me to submit, lmaooooo wowowwow
He did do the multiple location thing, date started with a brief walk in a nearby park (where we met) before heading over to the restaurant. And even after I told him I wasn’t interested and why (I kept it very vague because my spidey senses were screaming) he used a line I found in article about PUA today. Thank god I was vague because he was probably just going to shape shift for the next person. And while he wasn’t wearing a fuzzy bucket hat or sparkly fedora when we met or on our date, he was a decently dressed dude. Not remarkably so IMO, but I know now that was his version of peacocking I guess?
All this to say, I chose one time to be open and step outside my comfort zone (usually don’t do dinner first dates, thought the guy was a bit of “character” but my friends were like “eh go, you’ll probably get a nice meal out of it”) so I said why not…and never ever ever again omg. 😭 😭 😭 I need several showers to get rid of the ick.
2- This realization has made me decide to not date in 2026. It’s over. I’m taking myself off the streets and putting myself in timeout. My only dates will be with a therapist from here on out.
3- My ex was not a PUA, far from it, but he was an extremely emotionally manipulative person. Before we got together I would’ve never found myself on a date with a “character” like the wacko above, but I’ve accepted that maybe the relationship did more damage than I thought, hence why I’m going with #2.
I wish I could post a pic without doxxing myself!!!! Two work Xmas parties two nights in a row and my boyfriend was amaaazziiingggg and everyone loved him. He’s so supportive and nice and cute and sweet and sexy and perfect. And I don’t have to babysit him, I could go to the opposite side of the room for an hour and be confident he would always be fine. But I don’t even want to because he’s too perfect and I want him by my side!!! We basically picked out each others outfits last night and looked so good and I’m dying of happiness
I think I’m starting to feel more social, like having the desire to get out of the house to go to social events whatever it may be. Going to the gym has helped even though I don’t talk to anyone. And after being at home for months straight, I feel my body and my mind desiring human interaction again.
I just don’t know when the best time will be? A New Year’s party might be too much for me, I know at least one venue that’s throwing one this year. If I do go I will for sure not be drinking.
Just curious, what’s the challenge for men when it comes to dating?
As a woman I feel like there’s a baseline of what we (women) want and it’s pretty reasonable like stable job, kind, attractive, emotionally intelligent, etc. Yet we agree all this is hard to find, plus the other things like personal preferences.
I see and meet many other single women who are great catches and I’m baffled why they don’t get asked out or have trouble dating. They say they can’t find the man who has that baseline I mentioned and theyre already being flexible.
I’m not saying men are the problem but my question is just asking what’re the challenges men are facing?
Cause im sure theres a lot of great men out there and I know there’s a lot of great women, like where’s the disconnect?
Dating apps remind me of the Pokemon GTS trade. Sure, go ahead and put in a request for a shiny legendary while putting up a lvl 5 Pidgey up for trade, why not? It’s the internet, “you never know” etc.
I don’t know if I have the words to describe the mindset shift I’m trying to achieve in my life.
It’s that whole stupid idea of “be happy with yourself and someone will show up” except for the last half.
The other day I was just spending some time by myself and thinking about how, if I let this break from intentional dating stretch out indefinitely, no longer *waiting* for someone would affect me.
If I were no longer holding space for a partner, or making future plans around whether I would or would not be single, but just built the life I want for myself alone, *what would it look like*?
I know this sounds like a basic bitch thing to say, but I don’t know how to describe how deeply ingrained the idea of being one of a pair has been embedded into my psyche (from Disney, to Barbies, to novels, to romcoms, to my mother, etc.) My whole life has felt like an unbalanced equation (Me + Him = Happy) that I never could get right.
So while not revelatory or even novel, the practice of constructing a mental image of my life the way I want it, irrespective of an auxiliary person, is, to me, entirely unprecedented (I know that was a lot of commas in one sentence, but I’m fairly sure they were all correctly placed).
What does life look like if I just do what I want and never consider whether it will lead to love? Will I be happier? Does everything feel less stressful when you stop scanning for potential? Would I feel less like I have little control over my circumstances if I changed the schema from which I approach my life?
And then at the end of it all, irrespective of an auxiliary person, will I be able to look back at my life and be finally content because I chose each part of it, and didn’t waste any of it waiting for more?
Tldr: middle-aged woman awakens to the idea of living for herself and not a relationship for the first time.
Plan “do more social hobbies to meet potential matches” is clearly failing on “meet potential matches” part. It’s nice to join the photography workshops and learn new tricks and see interesting (or not so interesting) new spots, but the audience being all-male above 50 is not really the demographic I was hoping for. At least I get lots of new photos to develop and photography is looking more like a fun hobby than before with better photos as a result.
Is anyone else having trouble finding someone who’s reasonably independent from their families and/or exes?
I’ve been on eleven (11!) first dates recently. Most fall into one of two categories. They either (a) moved here to “take care of their parents/relatives” (read: live at home with capable and healthy 50-60 year olds) or (b) share payments and ownership of their only vehicle with their ex.
I only date other childfree folks, so two of those 11 first dates were said they were childfree on OLD but let a stories about their kids slip out after a drink or two. I also screen for dates who live at home (while chatting on OLD or before I’ll exchange phone numbers IRL). It’s so odd that a lot of 35-45 year old adults don’t consider themselves “living at home” despite living rent free with family members who are capable of taking care of themselves.
I bet they’re just overrepresented in the available singles pool. Sigh.
I had surgery on Thursday, and have to go back to work on Tuesday but I’m having the Sunday scaries even though I have one more day off. I just don’t want to deal with the politics and the emotions of others right now.
Advice needed ❤️🩹
Over a week ago he said he was not in a good space mentally. Mentioned that last week was an important week for his business but nothing was going as planned and that he needed space to get himself together.
I told him I understood him, wished him luck etc. we didn’t speak all of last week and now we are on week 2 and I miss him a lot. I wanted to check in last week but decided against it.
Right now I don’t know what to do really, text or let him reach out first ? I don’t know. What would you do?
I am annoyed with most of the messages I receive from men on dating apps.
I don’t know if I am too picky:
For instance, two different men wrote the following first messages:
– I see you are from city X, is it in country Y? (I mean, even if I don’t know or not sure where a specific city is I will just google. I find it disrespectful somehow to just assume it’s okay not to make any effort; if I am interested to text someone I would for sure google where the city is)
– How does Arabic music sound (I have in my bio that I like Arabic music). I don’t know, just google it, how am I supposed to show it over a message. Like sure I could just send a link to some song, but I find this such a weird and low effort question …
And I know that they say, “Have a happy holiday”
And every year, I sincerely try
Oh, but Christmas, it always makes me cry
Another weekend with my baby daddy visiting the kids. I tried to stay out as much as possible, but we still had a few post-breakup conversations that I was looking to avoid. Even though he lead me to believe the breakup was mutual by telling me he wanted to breakup, he now insists that he didn’t want that. He’s also now giving me all the communication I want but also is giving me unsolicited feedback on my personality, which is annoying. I, frankly, don’t really care what an ex thinks of me. I walked away from this relationship feeling like he wished so many things about me were different that he might as well be with someone else who suits what he’s looking for.
For those being like, wtf, why would you stay with someone like that?? Well, having kids really changed me. There was nothing I wasn’t willing to try to keep my family together. I “only” spent 3 years trying. At least now I can walk away saying I tried everything I could, and that feels pretty good.
Other than that, I’m a bit emotionally reeling and texted a few exes and asked out at least one person. None of these were great decisions but none of them were really bad, either. I know I’m not ready to date-date but casual dating might be fun.
I’m open to advice, mostly because I am sure my friends are tired of me. I noticed I’ve been downvoted a bit, not sure why. What a rut.
Not really dating related but anyway. I was on the bus after a thoroughly meh first date, and there was a teenage girl sitting behind me. As she stood up to get off the bus she stopped to tell me, even tho I had headphones on, that my bun was cool/impressive (I’m a guy with long hair). It was super sweet and made my evening 🙂
Another day, another woman cancelling our date 4-5 hours before it. Normally, I’d assume I’m doing something wrong, and maybe I totally am!, but it’s super cold, snow is on the ground and bleh I dunno.
Pajamas, nap, read in bed all night and then back to sleep. It’s not depression if it’s healthy reading and cat cuddling, yeah?! I am getting hella touch starved though.
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing alright.
it’s the season of “im super busy until next week can we pick up then?” on both sides. Any tips on how to approach this? Text minimally? Or a fair bit but lighthearted? I’ve said it to a few people now but I really do intend to date them when I’m not travelling/with family for the holidays
My date with 41M journalist was really good! I usually try to keep first dates to 1.5/2ish hours, but we were having a good time and the convo was fun, so we were at the bar for a little over 3 hours. I’m not a cigarette smoker, but we shared one outside while we waited for my cab to pick me up. He said we should do this again, and I said definitely. Will text him tonight if I don’t hear from him first.
35M confirmed Friday works, but hasn’t proposed any plans. I’ve done the planning for our first two dates, so going to leave it to him this time.
Do you usually text daily with potential dates, and also once you set the date? Do you exchange something short or do you usually have deep conversations over text?
I enjoy when we exchange long messages on a bit deeper topics, but then it also makes me worried that we would discuss too much prior the date which is probably a bad strategy too?
One thing that is weird about my age is that it becomes so apparent that so many men don’t really have friends or hobbies outside of their romantic relationships.
Meeting folks “organically” is not really a thing because it is all the women out!
I had way more male friends when I was younger, but not so much anymore.
A couple of months ago I met a new neighbor. He is cute, personable, around my age and married. I had not yet chatted with a lot of but was always running into him on the way to an activity.
This week I ran into him at the coffee shop and we had a chance to chat. He was cool. Now I need to figure out how to drop hints like “do you have friends.” 😂
We are plotting a little informal drinks at the neighbors after the holidays so there could be a window!
Have any inexperienced men here ever found a woman to teach/guide them?
I see a lot of virgins and inexperienced men on reddit, so I thought this would be a relevant question to ask.
I’m inexperienced myself (lost virginity in my 30s).
Are there experienced women genuinely interested in “teaching” or “guiding” men who are more inexperienced/shy/etc?
I am sorry for spamming. I guess I am procrastinating what I have to do tonight.
But I also thought how yesterday after a party I was going home alone and I decided to walk a bit, then ended up walking from 1 am until 2 am alone across the city and it was so sooo sooooo nice, just listening music walking seeing some still a bit lively streets and some completely empty (those that are so busy during day). I felt happy and at peace.
Now I definitely want to walk alone at night more. Maybe I will make some plans like once I can walk in this district at night and another time in another district. It’s such a different experience walking at night. Of course, it would be even better if it was warmer. I started freezing last night eventually.
And this is so so so much better than all the toxicity and loneliness I felt in my past relationships. All the abuse and coldness. All in all, I guess I feel ok on my own. I always dream of some beautiful love but then if it never happens I only want to be painfree and I am happy (happy in a silent way, happy to be sad and happy to be happy and all in between).
I don’t know if it has ever happened to you that you were visiting some beautiful place or watching a sea / ocean and thinking how you wish you could share it with your “love”. I used to feel like this some years ago. I even felt like this with my first bf, feeling that no, it doesn’t feel like I am supposed to feel, I should be here with someone else. Now I honestly just want to see the world on my own. I enjoy so much traveling alone (not that it happens often or happened much), but it’s hard now to imagine sharing it with someone can make it better than worse. I remember how my ex and I went to Sicily and he completely destroyed it with his constant drama. How we went to Kyiv and he abandoned me at AirBnB, or he got mad at me for checking google maps “for too long” or checking if my phone is being charged for a second (he immediately went “you are not listening what I am saying”), or when we went to Serbia (he had the accommodation covered since it was related to my research) – and I got a panic attack and ended up in an emergency room due to his wild treatment. Or when I went with my other ex to NY and it was boring af when he was there for a month and so much fun when I was alone for another month (even being mostly on my own and otherwise meeting some new people or old friends). Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship even then.
I have been putting in serious training. Just like the prior time, women behave differently. At the Christmas parties I went to, they wanted to talk for a while. At the grocery a woman offered to let me go first (she did have quite a bit of stuff and I had one item).
Next in the sequence is women who work at retail come over immediately to be overly helpful. Then, women I don’t know walk up and start talking to me.
I can only hope to get back in such good shape that people offer me free stuff for no apparent reason.
When I’m working a full-time job, I never have much energy to do things on the weekend like go to a meetup/hobby group etc. (I’m a hardcore introvert who needs tons of recharge time). Trying to stop using dating apps. I feel like I’m in a trap in this position and don’t know how I will get out of it or meet people haha. I need a different kind of work schedule
No dates, just red red wine.