I can't get into my whole life story, but historically my parents use money as leverage for control. They had a very authoritarian style of parenting. They moved across the country to retire about 3 years ago and want access to where I live in an easy way (my brother and I live in the same area), so they offered to split the down payment of my first house under the idea that they would renovate the basement into an apartment so they can 1. visit in the summer and 2. potentially use it as a place for my mom to stay in when my dad passes away at some point (his health isn't great).
Now I don't have the best relationship with them, and I really do not want this, but I can't afford the house without their gift. However, this situation has made me not even excited anymore about the this process and I really wanted my first house to be something special that I can enjoy, a safe space. I may want kids one day too and idk, I just don't want them to have access to my house whenever they want. I think I already know the answer, but reddit what would you do in this situation? I am also married and my husband would be living in the house with me.
32 comments
Do you have a partner? If so, what do they think? If not, good luck finding one. Most adults are not going to see decades of having PILs in the basement as a positive.
Seems like the way to go here is to just turn them down and if you need to wait on a house for a few years to be in a better spot then do that. Better to rent and continue your current situation for a few years while saving over possibly being stuck with them for the next 20-30 years if you don’t want to live with them in my book
Planning an entire flat in the house will make the price go up. You need more space, and space costs money. Do the numbers first on whether this actually saves you money. You might end up paying for having your mother in the basement.
If it were me I’d say no. You’re talking about not having any say when they visit and then essentially becoming your mother’s caretaker when your dad’s gone. I’d rather stick to a rental/lease until I could afford it myself.
I would keep saving until you can afford it on your own, even if it takes another decade. Preserve your peace, especially given their history.
That’s not a gift then it’s an obligation.
Never take money for things like this with conditions and without a legal document. That’s what my dad told me and he’s right
What does your husband say? If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. Live farther away if it helps to build boundaries.
I think a lot of people move far away from their parents for this exact reason, to get out of their control.
If you’re not willing to accept the strings, decline the gift. Just let your parents know that while you appreciate the thought, you and your husband want to do this on your own. If they give you any money for general gifts, put it into a special account that you use for the eventual home, but don’t accept money specifically for the down payment without being very explicit with them up front that you will not be creating a separate space for them.
This will never be your house. It will be their house that you live in.
You will never be free. You’re basically just be renting from them until they die.
never ever make a deal with family without lawyers and everything down to shared driveway space and unannounced visits written out in a very legal contract
They will hold this to your head absolutely forever. And they might move back for good
This is a trap.
Do you even want to take care of your mother? It’s not just mom living with you, it’s being a caregiver, potentially for a decade or longer.
Just say no and allow them to live their own lives elsewhere. A gift with conditions isnt a gift.
Absolutely not.
They have a controlling parenting style and you don’t have the best relationship with them. You said yourself they use money to leverage control. They will do the exact same thing with this. What if they want to stay longer than the summer? Or come and go as they please? What if they decide to move into the house early because your dad is in bad health?
And what will daily life be like when they are there? From how you describe them, they will treat you like a child still and not an equal. Think of the reasons why you don’t have a good relationship with your parents- do you want to live with that?
Everything comes with a cost. If you take this money from them, you will be paying for it the rest of their lives in ways you can’t even imagine now.
This is not a gift. This is about control. If your parents wanted to *gift* you the money to buy a house, it wouldn’t come with strings attached. This won’t be your house; it will be your and your parents’ house. And you know it.
Say no to their money. Buy a house you can afford.
That’s called making an offer with strings attached in this case; permanent strings.
Say no. This will turn into a hot mess.
Co owning a house with your controlling parents sounds like an absolute nightmare. The risk is not worth the reward. Just say no thanks
Nope, my parents gave me a down payment to purchase my first place, no conditions placed on help. That’s how healthy parents help their kids.
Previous CNA here. I would turn it down and say no. Caring for people is HARD AS HELL! Its a lot of work. It’s a lot of patience and understanding. And learning how to get past icky things (vomit, pee, poop, blood, spit, mucus). Being able to look past the icky things and still see the person for who they are. I went through a lot of training (in my state you have to take 150 hours of training before you can test for your license) it’s not easy. Rarely is it fun. It’s hard work. It’s mentally exhausting and challenging. You will not get a break from it. Caring for people is a 24/7 job. And caregiver burnout is a real thing. I would heavily suggest turning down the gift even if it means a couple more years before you can buy a house. Do not sign yourself up for being a caregiver to your family member. I seriously advise against it.
Not to mention if her health declines as well, or if she develops dementia, it comes with a whole slew of hoops to go through. Do not sign up to take care of your mom when she gets older. So many people do not realize how hard of a job it truly is.
A duplex or multi unit apartment complex is the better option or 2 condos in the same building. This way you are close enough to have a relationship and each other out without setting yourself up as their fulltime nurse.
Don’t take their money unless you want them living in your basement for the rest of their lives. I’d walk away.
My SIL built an in-law suite onto her house and MIL would constantly be over there. She once told me she felt like she couldn’t have sex with her husband unless it was late at night because she’d often turn around and MIL would be standing there. That’s just one example.
They had to sell their home and move an hour away to finally get their own space again.
If you value your privacy. Do not take their money!!
Only HALF of a down payment?! Save longer. Live a happy life.
This is not a gift. I don’t know how big the amount they’re planning on is compared to the cost of a small unit in your area but it sounds like they’re wanting to grab a bargain through you, who’ll later be your mom’s live in carer, while paying land rates,insurance etc.
Yep, it’s a hard no for me. I value my independence too much to have my parents live with me.
Better to rent forever than to be forced to take the role of child in your own home for the next however many decades.
Those are strings Pinocchio. Don’t do it , wait until you can buy a house yourself. Thank them and decline. You don’t owe them an explanation , you’re 30 and a full grown adult and if this offer is already messing with you imagine living with them. They should save the money to move into a senior community.
Independence is priceless.
Listen to your gut. It is giving you information and you should listen. If you need permission to say no, I give it to you!!!!
This sounds so similar to my situation however we can afford the down payment, it’s just that his parents want to “build us a house”, “fix up a place for us”, “gift us a spot” or something along those lines and all we hear is “You owe us” every time they offer something like that. It means, “we can come over whenever we want”, and “this isn’t YOUR house, we are letting you stay here, be grateful”. While those options would save us so much money and make our lives financially so much easier, the emotional, mental, and frustration price tag of that “indebtedness”, is absolutely 100% not worth it whatsoever. So we will buy a house and we will set our boundaries, and we will be much better off for it.
So please consider the price tag of your mental health, and your sanity before taking the price tag they’re willing to offer. Your peace is worth more than the debt they’ll expect you to repay even if you’re not repaying in dollars.
You answered your own question, when you said you really don’t want this. If you can’t afford the house on your own, it’s not the house for you. Keep looking u til you find a house you can afford on your own. Don’t look to your parents for help financially they will only hold the pattern of behavior they’ve exhibited in the past, manipulating you with money.