My husband and I have been married for three years and have known each other for four. In a couple of hours, it will be my birthday. Once again, he asked if I was sure I didn’t want to spend it at his friend’s child’s birthday party tomorrow.
I don’t ask for much. I show up and provide for everyone every day of my life. The one thing I ask for on my birthday is for it to be about me—for someone to choose me for one day.
This isn’t something I’ve kept to myself. I reminded him last year, six months ago, even a month ago. I gave him clear expectations: a party, a dinner with family, dancing, showing up to my cooking class while I’m instructing—things that make me feel seen and celebrated. I had to push for these things repeatedly, and even now, the night before my birthday, he still doesn’t understand why my birthday matters so much to me.
To him, birthdays are just another day. To me, my birthday is my day to shine, and I’m not ashamed of that. I celebrate life because there was a time when I didn’t want to be alive. It’s my day to honor my growth and my accomplishments.
And every year, like clockwork, something happens that leaves me in tears. He is a great husband in so many ways, yet somehow it feels like he struggles when the attention isn’t on anyone else but me.
16 comments
Plan your own birthday. I am so sorry, that is frustrating and hurtful. Maybe he isn’t used to doing something for birthdays? Or he is selfish?
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B’days might seem small, but it’s really about respecting and valuing your SO.
A symptom of a larger problem. He doesn’t value you.
He’s not a great husband 🙂
So do you expect everything from that list on your birthday or are you just listing examples of what would make you happy? Cause that’s a lot. But of course you don’t want to spend your birthday at a child’s party! The fact that he even asked that is outrageous. I don’t want to spend any day at a child’s party, let alone my birthday.
How is he on regular days? Is he treating you well on other days?
> he still doesn’t understand why my birthday matters so much to me
It’s not important to know *why* it matters so much to you. It’s only important to know that it *does* matter so much to you. He knows how much it matters to you, and he doesn’t gaf.
I went through this with my wife— I would put so much care, energy and thought into every gift I ever gave her and she basically never appreciated anything I did or cared when I expressed anything was important to me. For myriad other reasons, we are divorcing and honestly it is such a relief to be able to value myself now in a way I never could have with her. She just didn’t care about the same things I cared about, nor did she respect my expressions of things being important to me.
I’m not saying divorce your husband, I’m just saying your expectations are not the problem. Your partner should have no problem giving you one special day a year (+ Mother’s Day, Christmas, Valentine’s, your staff functions/ family events… like five-ten days realistically). If celebrating you doesn’t feed the spark inside him, he just doesn’t value the relationship or your effort in a commensurable way to how you do.
Ngl that sounds super frustrating like why is it so hard for him to get it
My wife sees birthdays the same way your husband does. It’s just how they are and while you may not like it, the odds of changing his mind, at least in the short term, are pretty slim.
✨I have a close friend that has a husband like this. He barely acknowledges her birthday after years of her telling him how that made her feel she started acknowledging it herself. Last year we did a girls trip to Greece for her birthday and this year we did a girls trip to Jamaica.
✨Get together with some friends and family that appreciate and celebrate you and do something special for yourself for your birthday.
✨This screams my husband is the problem 💔
Nope. Not a great husband.
I told my husband that while we were still testing the waters, my birthday was a big deal to me. Because it’s close to Christmas, it got overwhelmed by the holidays. He remembered. He’s made my birthday special every year since then. This year will be the 22nd birthday that I’ve spent with him. He went on to teach our children to value my birthday and their own birthdays.
So glad my wife and I don’t care about birthdays.
I have a feeling that this isn’t actually about your birthday. You said you want one day of the year where you feel seen and appreciated.
That’s because the other 364 days of the year, you’re also not feeling seen or appreciated.
It doesn’t sound like your husband chooses you over other things in his life. You show up and give it 110% and it’s expected of you. You’re asking for your partner to match that energy at least ONCE and you’re picking your birthday to be that one time.
I don’t think he even really likes you, Sis.
My husband is terrible with birthdays. He grew up in a culture / family where birthdays weren’t celebrated, and never really wants to celebrate his own birthday either. I’ve been disappointed so many times because I’m like you and my birthday is important to me, I love celebrating and in my family everyone’s birthday is a big deal. After years of shitty gifts or him forgetting completely I said fuck it and just started sending him a link to something I wanted, expensive perfume or something like that. There is no surprises or creativity, but at least I get something that I enjoy. I usually organize a dinner with friends as well, and mr shitty birthday gift is an amazing cook and always delivers 🙂
I guess my point is: some people just suck at birthdays. Just get your own gift and make sure you still celebrate.