Hey all, I'm in a tough spot and I'm afraid this is the last straw.
I've been with my partner for a little over 9 years now. We've both grown a lot, changed a lot. We've butted heads plenty, but have always managed to come through.
Something that has been a constant strain on us, and has gotten much worse these past couple years, is her mental health. She is diagnosed with ADHD, and is certain she has some other things going on. Recently, she claims she's autistic, but has not been diagnosed. I have no issues with any of this, I have my own things going on as well, but it's relevant.
She has a lot of trouble with tasks. Chores, jobs, work. Our home is almost always filthy, food left around, laundry carpeting the floor, dishes, etc. I try to keep up, and she will go through brief manic times where she'll be able to clean a bit, but over all it's become the norm. She's always managed to cover her part of the bills, but can't really keep a job. She's told me she won't work full time again until she can do it for herself (wants to start a business). Currently, she works 3 days a week and dedicates the rest to side projects. She has a LOT of side projects. I want to be supportive (and have been!) but they all end up abandoned and become another thing cluttering our space. So more honestly, she works 3 days a week and then is on her phone, or sleeping, or disassociating for the rest. I myself work a LOT. Not because we're struggling, but because we have a lot we want to save for for the future. So it's very hard to come home and see this, and have to pick up so much slack. At this point I'm very afraid for the future. She has no savings, and even her physical health is taking a back seat. I've tried to bring this up and it led to a full on explosion.
Recently, she's been very combative. Like, anything I say to her has a 50/50 shot of being taken as an attack. I'm a very soft spoken person, and I try to be very careful when I'm communicating frustrations, hurt, anger, or even just critique. But if I specifically bring up something she's done that's upset me, she takes it as a personal attack and immediately gets VERY defensive or angry. I really can't talk to her about anything anymore, I find myself on eggshells and always afraid I'm going to "screw up" talking with the person that's supposed to be my partner. I no longer feel like I have a safe emotional space in my home, with her.
I've been experiencing a lot of health problems, recently. High blood pressure, palpitations or heart flutters, headaches, and I *always* feel like I'm in fight or flight. If my phone rings, I jump out of my skin. If I hear the front door open when I'm home alone, I get an adrenaline rush and a pit in my stomach. I'm just SO anxious and on edge all the time. I've been tracking my BP and these palpitations (on instruction from my doc, I used a journal and even wore a little monitor they glued onto me for a while), and find that they spike and occur more when I'm on my way HOME from work, or when I know she's coming home. Knowing this makes me so damn sad.
It's been rough in the past, but she's been my person, my safe space, a person I could trust and feel safe with, and she's just not anymore.
Things came to a head a while ago. I had been talking with my therapist about all of this (and more not listed ofc), and she helped me come up with a way to "enforce a boundary". This is something I've ALWAYS been comically bad at, but I'm trying to undoormatify myself. The gist of it was, "I am giving myself a boundary that I can not be with a partner who will not prioritize their mental health when it is affecting them and our relationship so negatively", and that I needed her to seek a diagnosis and treatment.
We had a conversation, and I tried so, so carefully to deliver this in a way that could remain constructive. I spoke about why I'm struggling with us, and shared with her the line above. As soon as I did, she stood up and left the room. Obviously "taking a breather" from a hard conversation is totally ok, but she just stood up and silently left, slammed the door behind her. I waited, and could hear her storm into the living room and start slamming things around (turns out it was just pillows and herself into the cushions, but still), cursing me out and screaming. The main thrust of it was "f**cking a**shole how dare you"
She then came back into the room and very coldly, calmly, almost flippantly said "I've thought about it and I won't be doing that".
That specific sentence hasn't left my mind since. I'm not sure it ever will. I finally shared a deep, important need that I felt was kneecapping us and our relationship and was hurting me deeply, and that was her reaction.
The conversation then kinda dwindled. I didn't know what else to say. She talked about her plan for self treatment going forward, which includes in it's entirety renting an air bnb and dropping acid by herself ((!?!?!?) I've heard of people finding this kind of experience therapeutic but???)).
And here we are like two months later. Not much has changed. I have tentatively brought up therapy, diagnosis, treatment, etc., a couple times sense but am always met with either a shut down, evasiveness, or anger.
So I guess, like, that's it? She's shown me she either doesn't take me seriously, doesn't respect my needs and boundaries, or simply can't. I find myself whipping back and forth between thinking how nice it might be to be single and live alone, and maybe even eventually finding a partner that can communicate with me and respects me as a person, and thinking about how devasting it's going to be to break up with her, untangle our lives, and mourn us.
I'm currently hanging on to a letter I wrote her, speaking about how much I love her, how much I've valued our experience, and how much I believe in her and that she can accomplish and do better, but also that I was serious about needing her to seek help, and that I can't keep doing this. It's essentially a somewhat open-ended break up letter. Part of me wants to give it to her and see if she can finally get shocked into seeing it's serious. Part of me wants to give it to her and tell her she's got a month to move out.
It feels silly to ask, but is this even worth saving? There's a part of me that still feels like I'm disrespecting her agency over her own mental health. But I'm trying to tell myself that it's what *I* need, and if she can't do that that's on her.
TL;DR, long term partner's mental health causing major strain, and she won't get help. I'm at my wits end and have made a bit of a last-ditch effort.
Thanks for reading. I hope you have a nice weekend.
31 comments
A post this long doesn’t constitute a good relationship. I’d leave.
Sure, she has agency over her mental health. And you have a duty to your own happiness. Both things can be true at the same time. You don’t need to be there for someone else’s irresponsible and harmful behaviour even if they technically have a right to that behaviour. Leave.
I wouldn’t bother with the letter. You are hoping it contains magic words which will suddenly change her. That ain’t happening.
That is a good boundary to have. When I was dating I wouldn’t consider dating anyone who had a mental health issue they were refusing to treat, or who didn’t believe in going to therapy or couple’s counseling if a need arose.
The problem is a lot of people SAY they are fine with those things, but when the time actually comes, they refuse to do it. I have ended relationships over someone refusing to seek mental health support for a mental health issue that is affecting both our lives.
She is doing you the favor of being very clear that she will not do that. You should NOT try to change her mind. This is who she is choosing to be. Even if you finally convinced her to go to therapy, that doesn’t mean she would be working to get better, and might just be doing it to appease you.
Don’t try to shock her into taking this seriously. She understands what you want. It’s not what she wants. When you run head first into a compatibility, don’t try to get around it. It will just keep following you.
You need a partner who manages their mental health. She is not that partner. The solution, the ONLY solution is to break up.
It’s not an easy solution, but it is the only one that will result in anything positive. If you stay, it needs to be not with the plan to change or mind or force her to get help, but accepting that this is who she is and it won’t change.
The person you met and became your safe space is no more. This is your partner now. Having mental health issues is one thing, but not seeking help, even if it costs her a good relationship, is another. You did what you could, and she made her choice.
Just break up already. Seriously. It’s crazy how long you’ve let this relationship drag out.
I think you’re right that you have to honor it. That’s so tough after how long you’ve been together, but setting yourself on fire to keep her warm isn’t going to work for either of you. The part about feeling anxious every time you’re about to be together is really, really sad; you deserve to come home to someone who brings you joy and not fear.
She’s not going to change . She doesn’t want to change . The only thing that can change is your circumstances in the relationship. And that’s only going to happen if you leave . Or you accept that she’s never going to prioritize your needs as equal to hers .
What is there to save? You told her what you need and she told you to your face she won’t do it. You either love and value yourself enough to walk away, or you don’t.
You “joke” about your inability to set a boundary but here’s what you haven’t figured out. Boundaries aren’t actually for other people. Sure, they help someone else know our tolerance levels and expectations.
But what you haven’t acknowledged is that they are a form of self love. You have to love yourself enough to decide that this behaviour is acceptable and that behaviour isn’t. Because you deserve to decide that. Because you matter enough to make this determination. And because you have value and should have people in your life who also recognise that.
When you don’t enforce a boundary, you are telling yourself you don’t matter and your feelings or wants or needs are irrelevant.
Stop making this about her and her health and her needs and her behaviour and her reaction to the end of the relationship or her inability to pay her way or keep a job or whatever. Make it about you for a change. Walk away from someone who doesn’t respect you or love you enough to care about what you need.
She’s been clear, and her behavior is impacting your physical and mental health.
It’s time to move on, OP. She is taking no responsibility for herself and expecting you to just deal with it.
No external motivation will lead to her getting the help she needs, it has to be her who decides.
Be prepared for wheedling, begging, and promises of change though. Hold fast and move ahead. If you give in, you’ll get a couple weeks of new behavior, and then it will stop. Because what she’s afraid of will be dealt with.
As long as you’re there, she doesn’t have to try.
You’re body is already telling you what to do. Everyone should be able to feel peace in their own home, and leaving work should be a relief not panic inducing. You have an important choice to make, either break it off or accept that this is how you’re life will be. You deserve to be happy!
Hi OP, I’m in my late 20’s, diagnosed with autism and adhd, and relate heavily to your gf’s executive dysfunction and struggle with working full time. However, treatment SAVED my life. I avoided stimulants for years due to anxiety and now I see how different my life could’ve been if I had these meds at a young age. Even with my aversion to medication, however, from the moment I turned 18 I put myself into therapy bc I knew something was wrong with me. It is okay to struggle with your mental health, but REFUSING to even try is a huge red flag. I’m sorry OP, but it sounds like she will continue to lean into these behaviors even more if she refuses help. Better to leave now than wait for your absolute breaking point.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. She’s treating you badly. She’s throwing tantrums, taking advantage of you financially, shutting you down, invalidating and hurting you with anger, and making you live in squalor. Your body is physically telling you that you do not feel safe and that kind of thing can be so hard to undo. You’ve already expressed how you are hurting and what you need and she has openly and aggressively told you no. Continuing to beg and plead and hold on to shreds (the letter) is only hurting you more. I strongly suggest against an “open ended” breakup. You have to fully break the cycle before you can start to heal.
Sorry to hear you’ve gone through all this, sounds like you’ve really tried your best and come up against a brick wall each time. I can relate to this from a previous relationship, you can bend over backwards for someone but as soon as you start setting boundaries they just can’t work with it. You have to put yourself first, it would be different if she was willing to do the work but i feel her complete disregard and cussing you out is beyond the pale. Whilst her taking psychedelics “*could”* help who really knows if she can’t meet you half way and not storming off. Honestly i think you should make the hard decision and pull the trigger, you shouldn’t have to keep dealing with this if she won’t put in 50/50.
Hey OP, in a lot of ways I relate to what you’re describing her to be. Five years ago I went through an insane depressive episode and gave up on everything. Couldn’t hold a job, didn’t want to take care of myself mentally (or even physically). Just replace your partner’s angry outbursts with crying fits and this post could be about me. I had undiagnosed and untreated bipolar disorder that led me into a spiral and my partner had to pick up the pieces. That was wildly unfair to them, so they did the same thing you did—they asked me to get help. My partner gave me an ultimatum: get help or I’m leaving. That was a wake up call, and I started therapy and am a completely different person now.
I am still bipolar and autistic but I have the coping skills to manage a healthy relationship and life and hold a steady job again. I was willing to make that change because I knew I needed to. If your partner isn’t willing to do the same, it isn’t fair to you. Maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t, but you need to take some time to really evaluate your relationship and where you are at now. If she is unwilling to get help, you are not obligated to stick around until she potentially changes her mind. You need to put yourself first. Please take care of yourself and know that you cannot help someone who cannot help
themselves. This is coming from someone who refused to help themself for a long, long time.
i’m sorry dude, the person you’re describing reminds me of my ex husband and you need to prioritize yourself, especially when you are having anxiety spikes BECAUSE of her. I tried to ignore my physical symptoms too, but it’s just not worth it. Someone like this doesn’t respect you and is only there because THEY are content.
It’s gonna feel like a mistake once you guys separate, because your body is used to having someone else around to help you calibrate what normal is, and it’s gonna suck, but believe me, after a year or so, you’ll be surprised by how many negative thought patterns fade away.
People don’t change their ways until they have absolutely no choice. As long as you stay, she doesn’t have to change, because you are there to absorb her aggression, and make sure her bills get paid.
So, remove that option. Focus on yourself. My friends and I agreed that around the age of 27, you begin to coalesce into the person you will. (I’m approaching 50 now.) You start to settle more securely in with what fulfills your soul. And you have less tolerance for pretending in relationships when you’re just trying to appease someone who makes you feel like shit. You don’t owe her anything if she’s not trying to make herself into the kind of person who can give and receive love. And you just have too much history.
Maybe she views you more like an annoying parent and she is a petulant teenager. Either way, my dear, it’s time to move on. Step out of there with your head held high. You tried. You were good to her. Now go forth and choose only those who also have chosen you.
Speaking from past experience, I gave my partner a similar boundary over communication issues – we either do couples therapy or end the relationship. At the time he accepted this boundary and agreed. He took on the task of scheduling the appointment for us, but a year went by and there was always some excuse. I ultimately stood my ground on the boundary, even though it was one of the most painful things I’ve done and in most other ways our relationship was healthy. In retrospect this was the right move 🙁 if your partner isn’t willing to take action to meet you in the middle, no amount of work you put in can fix them.
Your girlfriend didn’t even entertain your request, and in fact attacked you for it. Is this someone who cares about their own growth, not even in the context of your relationship but just for herself? This is a boundary that you’re setting for the both of you. It’s not going to be easy but I think you know your answer. Take the unrequited care you’re trying to give her and give it to yourself instead. Best of luck!
Why do you want to be with someone who not only can’t respect your boundaries, but doesn’t respect themselves to make an effort to take care of their own mental health?
You deserve better. Go out and find better. It’s not too late.
I know people who have honoured this type of boundary, and those who fought through it. Ultimately they are all happy and fulfilled individuals, but the ones who cut times seems to have a hard time watching their partner happy on the other side. A sort of bad conscience that they gave in, and couldn’t face the storm.
If you will be miserable for an unforeseeable future- do it. But if you love her, you will keep fighting with her. Have all the annoying discussions, be the pain in her ass, and if she ends it – know you gave it your all.
She is not your safe space, she is keeping your cortisol and inflammation high with stress/anxiety, increasing your risk of heart disease and cancer.
You need to get out, OP, before you lose more time off of your lifespan.
ADHD is absolutely crippling. It bums me out to hear someone would avoid treatment on purpose.
I’m a single father of a special needs kid, for the decade before he was born, I actually did manage with similar things your gf is trying to do (def not alone) but once I found myself a single parent my symptoms exacerbated 20x. Once I got help it has changed my life.
I can say with 100% certainty that I am a better father and general human because I got help. Whether you guys stay together or not I hope she gets help too.
I have some of the same ADHD executive functioning stuff as your GF, but she just sounds very immature and solipsistic. I wonder if she even has the capacity to see beyond her own short-term wants. It sounds like she’s trying to paper over narcissism by calling it Autism.
Maybe she wasn’t that way before, but she is now. She’s having tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, for God’s sake.
Your needs HAVE to be met in a relationship. That’s non-negotiable. The fact that she’s unwilling or unable (I’m going with unwilling) to *stop causing you harm* makes her completely unsuitable as a partner.
Not only do you deserve better, but you WILL have better when you’re ready to date again.
I would encourage you to work on separating the bond you have this woman from the relationship you have with her. These are two separate things in toxic relationships. And you, sir, are in a toxic relationship.
You need to develop a plan to get her out or to move out. This is horrible for your mental health and your physical health . It doesn’t matter if she’s autistic or not – EVERYONE can be an asshole. It’s a topic of discussion in the autism sub I read from ( I’m alway trying to learn more to help my students and it really has helped ).
It’s time to leave. Life is short. Time is going by and you deserve a fulfilling life with a full partner. You shouldn’t have to raise your partner. She is gaslighting and manipulating you. Doesn’t matter if it’s mental health related. She is an adult and she is responsible for caring for her own mental health. This stressful situation is taking a toll on your health.
I can tell you first off I’ve been far lonelier in a bad relationship than I ever have been single. You have to remember that the reason we date people is to figure out if they’re the person we want to spend our life with. And it seems to me that you’re coming to the realization that although you love her, you’re not in love with her and her behaviors. And remember Love can’t conquer everything
You can’t make her take any responsibility, only she can do that just like she can’t control what you do. If it is truly affecting your health to the degree that you’re having high blood pressure due to it I would tend to say you’re not in a healthy relationship right now. I think you may very well benefit from being single keeping yourself in therapy and working on your own personal development for a while. I think you may find that your life is truly better out of this relationship than it is being in it.
You are in an abusive relationship. It probably didn’t start that way, but you are being mistreated. You need to get out of this.
I want to say this very plainly and gently. You are not describing a relationship problem. You are describing an abusive dynamic, and I do not think you fully realize that yet.
Your body already does.
When your blood pressure spikes on the way home, when your heart races when you hear the door open, when you live in constant fight or flight in your own house, that is not stress. That is your nervous system responding to chronic emotional threat. People do not develop those symptoms simply because a partner is struggling with mental health. They develop them when they are living with unpredictability, anger, emotional volatility, and fear of backlash.
What you are calling a “boundary” was actually a very reasonable requirement for staying in the relationship. Her response was not confusion or sadness. It was rage, intimidation, and then cold dismissal. Storming out, slamming doors, screaming insults, and then calmly announcing “I won’t be doing that” is not someone exercising agency. It is someone asserting power and letting you know your needs do not matter.
Mental health diagnoses do not excuse abuse. ADHD, suspected autism, depression, or trauma do not explain screaming at a partner, making them afraid to speak, punishing them for bringing up concerns, or refusing all accountability. Many people struggle deeply with mental health and still treat their partners with care and respect.
The letter you wrote is not going to work. Not because you did anything wrong, but because letters like that only work with partners who have empathy, accountability, and a desire to repair. What you describe instead is someone who reacts to vulnerability with hostility and to boundaries with defiance. Giving her a heartfelt letter will likely result in one of three outcomes: rage, mockery, or temporary compliance followed by no real change. None of those make you safer.
Also, asking you to accept “self treatment” that includes renting an Airbnb and taking psychedelics alone while refusing professional help is not a good faith effort. It is avoidance wrapped in confidence. And you already know that.
You are not disrespecting her agency. She is exercising her agency very clearly. She has chosen not to seek help. What you are struggling with is accepting that choice and allowing yourself to respond to it.
And here is the hardest part: you cannot love someone into becoming safe. You cannot communicate your way out of an environment that is harming your health. You cannot wait long enough for someone to decide you matter.
You sound like someone who has been slowly shrinking, adapting, softening your voice, walking on eggshells, working harder, and asking for less in order to keep the peace. That is not partnership. That is survival.
This does not mean she is evil. It does mean the relationship is no longer safe or viable for you.
If you decide to leave, you do not need to convince her it makes sense. You do not need her agreement. You do not need one final letter that explains everything perfectly. You already explained. She heard you. She just said no.
Please take your physical symptoms seriously. They are not overreactions. They are warnings.
You are allowed to choose peace. You are allowed to leave even if she does not understand. You are allowed to stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else comfortable.
And no, it is not silly to ask this. It is very brave.
It’s time to enforce your boundary. Frankly your gf sounds unstable and she reminds me of someone who is bi-polar or has borderline personality disorder.
She has made it clear to you that your boundary means nothing to her and she has no interest in taking care of her mental health, even if it is negatively affecting you. *She doesn’t care about your distress.*
She has a cushy life right now with you supporting her while she barely holds down a job. She doesn’t want to to any work on herself or otherwise. She wants to coast while you take care of everything, regardless of what it does to your mental health.
It says it all that you are constantly anxious and have heart palpitations when you’re going to see her.
This relationship is over. You need to now come up with a plan. Are you going to be the one moving out or will she? With how unstable she sounds I think you should have a friend nearby when you are breaking up with her.
Keep going to therapy and take time to heal.
Your body is literally suffering because of your relationship, your partner shouldn’t be the one causing this much stress. I think you’ve been more than fair on her but are now at the point where you need to prioritise yourself. You sound like an emotionally mature person, and you need to honour yourself and your needs. Sure it’s gonna hurt to break things off and move on, but I’m sure in a few years you’ll look back and think thank god I left.
The only person who can help her is herself, she’s firmly told you she will not be doing anything about her mental health, so believe her and stick to your boundary, you owe this to yourself.
Your boundaries are not for her to enforce, they’re for you to enforce. You bared your soul to her, told her what you needed and she basically told you to gfy. So now? You enforce your boundary, unless you want to be dead of a heart attack at 35.