I M29, im a 6’3, muscular, full hair, decent looking. Im in a good career and I make very good money for my age, im a social butterfly and can make friends at will, it’s very easy for me. Im very easy to talk to.
I do well on the dating apps when it comes to getting dates and stuff, but goddamn do I choose the worst people. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve dated toxic women that end up s*icidal when I wanna leave AFTER they cheat, I’ve been with women that after giving them everything, they just end abruptly etc… one day I asked my girl best friend about this and she told me I’m too nice and I said how? She said women see me and assume I’ll be an a-hole guy, full of myself, into myself etc.. they come in braced for that guy, but I’m the opposite, and some get bored bc that’s not the man they signed up for, others walk all over me, then see my potential and then get possessive and some are just flat out horrible people that use me for my resources and leave when better comes around. I refused to accept this, but she began giving me examples, I was seeing a girl last year and it happened to be a summer where I got a raise, some family money and stuff and decided to travel but didn’t wanna do it alone, so I paid for her to come with me, my friend told me that paying for a 2 week trip to Greece and Italy two months after meeting someone is simply too nice, and they’ll start to feel entitled especially if I’m a giver. That made me feel so sad bc I genuinely just wanted to share a good summer with someone.
Now I’m just at that point where idk what to change in my approach to dating bc on one hand, I’m not dating down in looks, and the women I attract that meet my standards looks wise so far end not being the best people.
Any comments and advice is accepted. Thanks
38 comments
Stop blaming yourself, they clearly took advantage of your kindness.
Sadly, dating is to with luck/timing. Unfortunately, being kind is seen as a people pleaser and men/women who do this get taken advantage of. It sucks
Awww, I’m so sorry that all happened to you, and regardless of how nice you are, they took advantage of you, hands down.
Maybe date yourself for a little while. One thing I’ve learned from dating is to never make myself too agreeable to date. If I’m not into certain activities or I’m not willing to travel to see my date, so be it. Which also means getting used to my own space. And I say the same to you, take yourself out on your adventures. If she wants to sone, let her pay her own way. You both can be independent together.
That’d probably happen to you if you were shitty too. The reality is most people are shitty and treat each other like shit.
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Greece and Italy two months after meeting someone is simply too nice
I wouldn’t say it’s “too nice” but this is just dumb to do. Sounds like your approach to dating is turning yourself into an ATM to draw women in and then getting upset when you’re used like one. Respect yourself a little more and don’t open your wallet for everyone who looks your way.
Yeah I think I’m in a similar boat, though my “perceived” emotional unavailability makes it even worse by running off the good women. One thing I will say is do not change yourself, only your approach.
However, I have not yet solved this approach problem myself and am currently at a dating stalemate, so I’m just here for advice as well.
If this happens again and again, it’s more about your own patterns and how you overlook red flags.
Dog, the common denom is you’re choosing bad partners. It’s not that you’re being too nice or that being an asshole is going to fix this
You’re right about one thing. You’re the problem. But not like you think. When we notice patterns in dating, it’s something within us. You’re not too nice, you’re just choosing bad partners.
It’s sometimes called trauma mastery, but a book I read called it relationship repetition. You keep dating shitty people because they subconsciously feel “normal” and safe. They confirm how you see yourself and the world. They make you feel like if you can win their love, you’re finally worthy.
You might be outwardly confident, but due to your dating history, there’s some deep insecurity and unhealed wounds. You need to take a break from dating and work through these issues in therapy before you’ll be able to find a healthy relationship.
Or you need to learn how to set boundaries and pick better partners.
Bruh no one cheats because of that.. they just wanted to cheat.
Think about what these women have in common and learn to avoid that type. If you’re constantly dating the same type of person the you need to stop the cycle. Maybe you go for looks over personality.
Pick better people. It doesn’t mean you an especially good person to bend over backwards for someone who doesn’t deserve it at all.
This isn’t about you being “too nice”… Your type is red flags. You admit you choose the worst people. You are likely overlooking lots of nice women because they don’t meet your specific physical standard or maybe they’re not exciting enough for you because there’s no drama. When you are continuously attracted to and involved with toxic people, you have to assess how you are picking people rather than saying you must be “too good”… let’s be real
Take a break from dating and learn about yourself more. It seems like you’re using dating like a checklist or bucket list. All types of kind people are out there. The more we get better with being stronger in our core and not accepting bs from people, the less someone will feel comfortable to test you.
Noooo no no… for the love of god, PLEASE dont become one of *them*.
You’re young, the girls your age are all married or crazy right now. Date here and there, learn about what you NEED and want. Dont set sail just yet!
I WISH I could find a decent guy who wasnt an asshole.
Nice, funny, hard-working, intelligent, healthy, attractive, not an asshole… #unicorn
You don’t need to become a terrible person. You need to adjust to reality. I think I’m a generous person just like you but paying for a trip after meeting someone for two weeks send the wrong message. A well adjusted woman would refuse this kind of offer actually.
Be yourself. If they appreciate it you win. Otherwise keep looking. I took my wife on a trip a few months into our relationship. But it was a no-brainer. We were a couple and it was what I wanted to do. I was happy to pay as I made more money. She didn’t have a problem with it and was never entitled. She has paid for big trips later on as well as she makes great money now. Glad I got her number in person after talking to her first. Then again there were no dating apps in 2000.
“I’m so hot and perfect! What’s wrong with women?”
You’re choosing bad partners because you haven’t identified red flags probably.
Regarding the “terrible” person title I’d say morality doesn’t determine how well someone gets laid or not. Many bad people just know have to play the game and have attractive qualities, a lot of moral people have trouble dating. There’s also cases the other way around of course.
You’re subconsciously drawn to the same type of shitty women, even if they look a little different. I’d start therapy so you can learn your patterns and fix your picker.
There’s nothing wrong with liking beautiful women, but if you’re only choosing a specific type, and that type keeps showing the same behaviors, it might be less about the individual women and more about what that ‘type’ tends to lack in character.
Expanding your filter on first dates to include character and emotional maturity just as much as looks and chemistry could completely change your dating experience.
Shift what you pay attention to.
Honestly, it sounds like dating super hot women is your top priority so you’re ignoring what are likely immediate and obvious red flags.
Your best friend’s advice is silly. It’s not about being too kind. The right women will be in awe of and appreciate true kindness. She’ll leave you if you’re a jerk.
I go through the exact same thing, but as a woman. I don’t think the answer is become an arsehole, here’s why:
The person I want wants me. Not some horrible twisted version of me, but me as I am.
I found, for myself, that a big reason I choose those kinds of people is because they feel familiar. All their red flags that send off fire alarms for everyone else, feel normal to me. Growing up with a mother who has BPD has desensitized me to bad behavior. Going to therapy has helped. Immensely.
I’m still desensitized to bad behavior, meaning when I see the first red flag it doesn’t feel like a red flag, but I see them now and am able to walk away BEFORE the shitshow begins.
Becoming an arsehole only works if you plan on continuing to date arseholes. I would like a kind, steadfast man, so hurting everyone around me because the men I’ve encountered so far are dicks is counterproductive.
I genuinely believe that you deserve a good woman, and that woman deserves a good man.
You have a broken picker and you need to figure out why. The answer is NOT to be an asshole, trust me. Because once you cross that threshold into your late 30s to 40s as an asshole, good luck getting any woman at all – we don’t put up with that shit. Do you meet these women on apps? I can practically tell from a few photos if a guy is a POS.
I disagree. It’s because you’re too nice. You can be less nice and still not be a bad person. I consider myself a pretty good person but I won’t stand over a ditch so people can pass. Spoiling women you barely know is insane IMO.
You need to judge women better and to leave when they show you red flags. Think about all your experiences, what you particularly liked and particularly disliked. Write it down if it’s easier for you. Build up your standards.
I think terrible people just do worse together in dating. And kind people have a hard time cutting through the noise of them to find another genuinely kind person. Work on your own character so that you wouldn’t be attracted to the “users” even if they look pretty. By the way, kind and emotionally intelligent women are not ugly (since you said you won’t be dating down on looks).
I heard from a psychologist once that we attract people that have the same level of trauma as ourselves and if you haven’t done the internal work on yourself you’re doomed to repeat the same cycles until you learn.
If women are walking all over you then obviously you’re not setting boundaries, you’re just young and you’ll gain more self awareness as you get into your 30’s but communication is key.
Basically what you need to do is think about all the bad experiences and identify those red flags in potential partners before it gets too deep, understand your own patterns of behaviour like is your subconscious choices due to self confidence? Self esteem etc?
Do you feel worthy of healthy love? If you don’t love yourself you’re more likely to attract narcissists as their behaviour feels more familiar if you have a narc parent, at the beginning of the post you listed off what you believe to be important in findings healthy relationship and physical attributes doesn’t equate to success in happiness per se but especially if the internal work hasn’t been done.
Side note, the best looking people in society can be the most shallow, materialistic, spoilt, sheltered narcissistic people you can meet in society.
So do some soul searching, understand yourself and patterns of behaviour, accept and love yourself, then you will be better able to identify red flags and avoid them thus raising your chances of being in a happy and healthy loving relationship. All the best!
What you should aim to develop is a healthy sense of boundaries
Right now you are accomodative and too nice to be true. You maybe look like a chad and maybe give simpy vibes.
I want you to develop a healthy sense of entitlement and not the arrogance and meanness of the asshole. Both look very similar and most people swing into extremes either asshole or a accomadative , nonthreatening nice guy.
Its very rare to meet someon who practices selfishness or self centeredness in a healthy way.
বাংলাদেশে অনলাইনে ডেটিং করা কি সত্যি কাজ করে? আমার অভিজ্ঞতা 😏
আমি গত ২ মাস ধরে একটা অ্যাপ ট্রাই করছি। অনেকে বলে ফেক প্রোফাইল, কিন্তু আমি সত্যি ৩-৪ জনের সাথে চ্যাট করেছি এবং ১ জনের সাথে কফি খেয়েছি 😂
যারা চান তারা আমার প্রোফাইলে গিয়ে লিঙ্কটা দেখতে পারেন 👇
(প্রোফাইলে “My Secret Dating Link” নামে বাটন আছে)
তোমাদের কারো অভিজ্ঞতা আছে? কোন অ্যাপ ভালো কাজ করে?
OP, you can’t just start “being a terrible person” on demand. You either are one, or you aren’t. Faking it will only work briefly before you crack and do something nice, and they’ll see right through it.
Yes, you are the common denominator, but that doesn’t make you at fault, or require a personality overhaul.
What you need is a deep dive into identifying the reasons for picking terrible women. I suggest doing it with the help of a therapist. Maybe you have some early childhood trauma. Maybe you are guided by a pattern established in your very first relationship, maybe it’s something else entirely. Once you identify the issue it will be much easier to avoid women like that.
Being a giver is not a flex. Unrestrained generosity stops being a virtue and becomes a desperate expression of the need to be liked and wanted. Well, guess what? The response makes perfect sense. “He wants me to like him because he is spending all this money on me – i will like him as long as he spends all this money on me”.
Use it as a litmus test. Find a woman who flat out refuses your displays of financial affection. If she starts scolding you for being financially irresponsible – that’s a green flag.
The problem isn’t that you’re too nice, the problem is that YOU pick the wrong people to give love to, and YOU don’t pace the relationship to see whether they are worth the commitment.
People, all people, should stop analyzing and recounting what the other person did wrong in a relationship, and focus SOLELY on how they themselves behaved and contributed to the situation, and take full accountability. That’s the only way you can be in control of your life and your relationships in a healthy way.
Because even if you meet abusive partners, it’s your choice to overlook the red flags, live in a fantasy and hope, instead of grounding your knowledge of a person in a reality.
Slow burn + slight detachment, self-observation will help a lot in being healthily discerning early in dating.
First of all. “Too nice” doesn’t mean you’re a good person. It usually means you’re inauthentic. You agree with comments you don’t believe in, pretend to be interested in things you don’t care about, laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, give exaggerated compliments, do things you wouldn’t choose and generally go with the grain. These are great tactics for socializing with large groups of people, but not to get to know someone on a deeper level.
Physical attraction is made up of a bunch of different things, not just how someone looks. In real life, a 6 can easily become an 8, and vice versa. How someone walks, talks, smells, laughs etc can all contribute you how attractive you find them. As long as you are attracted to someone, you won’t be “dating down” even if their looks alone don’t meet your “standards.” Figure out what qualities (not physical features) you find attractive, and look for that.
My guess is you get with women relatively quickly, and then find yourself in toxic situationships. You’re not actually choosing these women, you’re just going along with whatever is easiest. You need to slow shit down, ask for what you want, say what you mean, and stop worrying about what others think.
You’re not too nice. My fiancé is a genuinely good man and our life together is calm, solid, and honestly the happiest thing I’ve ever had. It sounds like you’re choosing women who want the image of you, not the reality of you. That’s not a niceness problem, that’s a compatibility problem.
We’ve all heard it before but you’re choosing women who expect that you must be attracted to IG models. But all of my friends who are average looking aren’t single and never remain single for long when they break up with someone. I’m not super nice but I have definitely gone out of my way for guys that I liked. And they did not like me in the end. Most likely these are people who like using others and they get off on it because they know they can. The guys I dated weren’t models either and they still had the ego that they could easily attract a 10.
Your entire argument is “muh personal experience”
I share a similar problem you are facing. After my long term toxic relationship ended few years ago, it was a period of absolute darkness to me for a few months and that’s when I decided that if I have to move on from this person, I would have to start dating other people and that’s when I joined dating apps. My ex was an emotionally unavailable, toxic and a disloyal person and my dating patter after him, through dating apps were even more toxic. I started unintentionally selecting people who resembled him through their looks or through behavior. Most of them were obsessed with me, some suicidal when I decided to leave them because they were getting too controlling/toxic and some of them were too immature to be with. That’s when I moved to another country for my masters, which gave me a strong opportunity to take a break from dating and start contemplating on my decisions.
I am a kind hearted, sweet and an attractive woman and I usually don’t treat men with arrogance. I am sweet to everyone as long as they are sweet to me. But the men I always get is always from the negative end of the spectrum and I always thought why. I think this might be our faults too and this might be the consequences of unhealed wounds, and these wounds must be healed and only then we would be able to attract healthier/better people who are actually good for us.
Start thinking about why you end up being with and choosing such people and trust me you will have answers to so many questions you haven’t even thought of yet.
Your girl bf doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.
Kindness is a good thing. Don’t let the world convince you otherwise.
Choose better women, bro. The problem is not paying for women, the problem is paying for the wrong ones.
“I’m not dating down in looks, and the women I attract that meet my standards looks wise so far end not being the best people.”
I get that it’s hard, my instincts are not the greatest either, but it doesn’t sound like you’re even trying to filter by anything other than looks. That’s … a life choice. Specifically, one that will continue to land you in this situation.
I’d also suggest you consider some therapy to talk about what healthy boundaries are and why they might not come intuitively to you, because “too nice” isn’t actually the problem. Plenty of kind people have healthy boundaries that protect them from doing something self destructive.
Based on your last paragraph there, you seem to be placing too much emphasis on looks (ie not wanting to “date down in looks”). You should instead focus on dating decent people. Looks fade and should not be the foundation for a relationship.