My boyfriend (20M) and I (20F) have been together for roughly 5 years, dating since we were very young. We are currently long distance due to college. For the past year, I've had a growing doubt about staying together. Although he says he loves me and is a great guy (my first love), saying "I love you" no longer feels fully authentic from my side.
Since starting college and long-distance, we planned to see each other monthly. I expected our connection to suffer a little because of the distance. But, if our in person connection felt just as good as it did when we last saw each other I thought this could work. But his stress and busy schedule have made him feel not fully present on our daily calls. I tried to understand and thought it was the transition to college, but then over winter break (we live 10 mins from each other) he was so busy applying to summer opportunities he barely made plans for us to see each other. I've also noticed I am the one constantly taking the initiative: always calling him, suggesting activities, and planning visits. While he is a "go with the flow" guy, I expect more from a boyfriend.
I've calmly addressed this several times, and things change for about two weeks before reverting. When I tried to stop taking the initiative and let him take the lead it leads to us never visiting each other or him not calling me for 24-48 hours. While he may be not great at taking initiative in our relationship, he is always very sweet, loyal, and clearly loves me. I'm so scared to break up, find someone new, and realize they're not as as good as my current boyfriend, but it feels like we've been having the same conversation for over a year with no lasting change. He says he wants to change for me, but I no longer feel the same spark anymore. Hearing about my friends' dating life makes me crave feeling butterflies and excitement again.
We had a serious 4-month breakup two years ago because I felt suffocated/codependent and needed to find myself without him but didn't fully realize this back then (I just felt like I wanted to feel free). It was a breakup on good terms. We both saw other people (which hurt us both), but eventually realized it felt wrong and got back together. It took nearly a year for us to forgive and heal from the hurt we caused each other during that time, especially me. So, it feels like we worked so hard to work on us and fully trust each other again, and it's hard to just let all the work go down the drain.
We've been close to breaking up 2 or 3 times now, but settle on saying he will try harder and I will try to loosen up my expectations. So, is breaking up maybe the best option for us?
TLDR: Should I (20F) break up with my boyfriend (20M) because for the past year I have felt that he has lacked initiative in our long distance relationship? His stress and anxiety leads to him not being fully present/engaging during phone calls and he's not good at planning dates/visits. He is a hardworking, sweet guy, but I think my expectations are too high and we're having a compatibility issue.