My girlfriend 30F and I 30F (1+ years together, visited her multiple times) haven’t seen each other in 7 months. She has tickets already booked to come visit me for Christmas, which would’ve been her first time visiting my country (and first time in Europe, which she was so excited about). We were elated and planned so much for so long, we are devastated.
Her dad – who is genuinely ill (kidney failure, major weight loss, refuses dialysis) – went in for a routine check-up and was warded for a blood transfusion. I believe this was not an emergency admission.
Shortly after, my girlfriend’s mother told her children that he had about 2 weeks to live.
Believing this came from medical professionals, I completely dropped everything:
- Bought an emergency flight to her country much earlier than planned;
- Scrambled to find care for my cats first, 55 days is a long time to be gone;
- Still trying to cope with not attending Christmas w/her and my family and having to prepare for a flight with 4 days left instead of the 27 days I'd initially visit her back in (no refunds of any flights for the both of us);
- Keep trying my best to not be disgustingly selfish and prioritize my own devastation over her suffering, and continuously support her because it was her parent dying after all.
I didn’t argue or push back. I told her we should do whatever she wants, because if her dad is dying, obviously that comes first.
Not even TWO days later, her dad was released from the hospital because he was “doing much better.” Not once had I questioned or doubted anyone in this horrible situation because my partner needed unconditional support and a listening ear, not a skeptical selfish girlfriend towards her suffering parents, but-
Only afterward did I learn the 2-week estimate did not come directly from doctors, but from her mother relaying it. The mother's lied (and him too) about his life expectancy MULTIPLE times before. For context, he is a frankly horrible, incredibly controlling (had cameras in his own kids' house, besides every other INSANE control behavior he's always had), manipulative, emotionally absent, greedy, scammer of a person and of a parent – none of his FOUR children really talk to him much, though they've been trying to be there for him.
About a year ago, out of nowhere (not after any appointment), they said he had 6 months to live. Of course exaggerated (and naturally, GF didn't know that) – whether they truly believed this with no evidence, I don't know anymore. Now, over a year since that claim, the thought of them lying about such a thing NOW when he was literally in the hospital never once crossed my mind, especially as he's so sickly, and how (or why) would I even express that to his suffering daughter anyway?
To be very clear: I’ve never questioned that he’s sick or minimized it. His condition is real, and I’ve only offered support.
What hurts and confuses me is the repeated major life decisions being made based on information that later turns out to be unreliable and the continuous anxiety surrounding this issue that then goes on to affect and torment first and foremost my partner, then our relationship.
My girlfriend is understandably terrified he’ll suddenly get worse, to the point she won’t travel even though she desperately wants to. I even selfishly suggested she still come (while feeling bad about it, but I'm desperate) and I would pay for a return ticket immediately if her dad worsened or was admitted again. She said she’s too scared to leave. I now also have an unused, non-refundable ticket, as does she.
What can I even do or say anymore? Imagine he DOES die while I'm visiting, I don't particularly want that, and I'm glad I was there. But assuming he won't and yet she's still missing out on coming here, I'm so upset.
How do I support her without silently unraveling my own life every time a vague prognosis is passed along? When I'm there and he doesn't pass, will I feel a horrible sense of guilt if I harbor resentment?
TL;DR GF canceled her long-planned visit after being told her dad had 2 weeks to live (info later revealed to come from her mom, not doctors). I acted on it immediately and bought an earlier flight to her country – only for him to now be released two days later “doing much better.” Similar exaggerated prognoses have happened before. GF now too scared to travel despite wanting to, and I’m stuck unsure how to support her without crumbling myself. How do I navigate this compassionately without repeatedly derailing plans and life commitments?
36 comments
Looks like her family jumps straight to worst-case every time and she’s stuck reacting to it. You’re not wrong for being drained. I’d stop rearranging travel unless the info comes from an actual doctor. Otherwise you’re gonna keep getting dragged into their panic cycles.
Dont make any plans and wait it out for him to die or just break u.p
Having just gone though something similar. Parents in their deathbed will always come first. It has nothing to do with you. Put yourself in her shoes. This is your father. You’ve been told he’s dying shortly. OF COURSE you go over a trip. It doesn’t matter if he dies in timeline you were given. You go.
I suggest taking a step back to figure out why you’re taking this so personally.
It’s her father. She wants the time with him and is entitled to it. It’s not done maliciously. Do you expect her to not believe he may be dead soon and just go off on a trip? She’d never forgive herself if she did.
Be kind.
ETA: when I was going through this my partner and I chose to not go to places I couldn’t get home fast from.
That ensured everyone’s bases were covered.
Chat about it with her. You’d do the same as her if it was your father.
30 years old is so young to lose parents.
Just hang back, go to your friends and family for your emotional support and don’t engage in heavy discussions with her. She needs to focus because we don’t know when ‘it’ will happen and she needs to be ready.
I’m a medical lawyer and there’s so many things I hear from doctors not communicating properly. Judging her for not being able to distinguish information is not on her. The doctors give information to the NOK. You can’t just call them up for a chat when you want to.
I get you’re only 30 but this is real life stuff. You putting some bullshit about how her dad didn’t die when she thought he might and making that some issue now? Ugh
Dying takes more time than the movies
This is the dark side of the real world. The intricacies of end of life.
Shape up or ship out. But I’d suggest you sit and really think about your reactions here because extreme grief knocks you on your arse and it’s way low complex than we think. You don’t deserve empathy until you give it
I think it’s not a good plan to go on a trip at this time too.. your GF will not be able to fully focus throughout the trip knowing his dad could have been gone any time.
It’s better to be understanding in this situation.
This could drag on for years and years.
And even when he eventually does pass, that doesn’t necessarily mean your girlfriend will be free. Her family knows that creating a crisis situation will keep her frozen. If they don’t want her traveling abroad, they will find reasons why she can’t. Some reason why, if she travels *now,* disaster will happen and she’ll feel guilty forever.
This is an established dynamic, and your girlfriend is showing no signs of being able to shake it. You are going to have to conduct the relationship on her terms, or not at all.
This isn’t your girlfriend.
You say this is confirmed that his health is actually bad, but it makes me wonder if she got cold feet about traveling and is deflecting by suggesting the mom is behind these problematic prognoses.
If he’s actually 100% in poor health, this is just how it goes. Dying isn’t a linear process.
As a LDR you will not be able to get someone to be away from a dying family member. It’s incumbent on you to make the extra effort.
With that said, something doesn’t add up here if they’ve never visited you. What country is this? Is she well employed or on a limited income? Are you the same race and religion?
Why don’t you go and see her? It’s not ideal that she can’t travel but it’s understandable why considering it’s her parents even if there is a chance it’s not accurate or at worst a lie. I get why you are upset but you need to look at alternatives
You did everything a partner should do, regardless of her mam and dad making it out to be worse you should your girlfriend you will drop everything for her, yes it’s disappointing but you did the right thing don’t worry about the rest
So. . . why does she still have contact with them? How does she know they’re not intentionally using her dad’s illness as a fear lever to control and torment her? Hate to say it but if he refuses dialysis for kidney failure then it’s his own fucking fault.
I just can’t imagine why she’s still tying herself to these abusive and frankly stupid people.
My parents abused me my whole life. I realized chosen family is more important than blood. End of story.
It’s her parents, she’s known them her whole life and even if he’s controlling that’s all she knows. It’s probably her last year with him. Let her spend it there and be there to support her. If you make this a big deal you may either be gone or she will remember it forever just saying the honest truth of what I’d do. If you can’t stand the mother’s antics I get it but you can make that choice for yourself. You can’t make that choice for her
Dont do the trip. Not a good idea. Let things settle down and wait until she is fully on board again.
Call up the flight company and explain the situation and try to get a refund or credit for future tickets. Some human interaction can really help sometimes.
Be the stable person for your gf during this, not the rash one jumping to booking new flights and adding in to the chaos. Also be stable for yourself. Take a step out of the chaos and remember to live one day at a time. Everything will be ok.
End of life situations are tough. Doctors don’t know everything and sometimes patients DO improve right before they die. I just saw it myself with a friend recently who’d fought cancer for over three years. He’d had a medical treatment in the hospital, had a great week afterwards, then was re-admitted and everyone was shocked even the doctor when he died. It happens and we just can’t tell when it’s time.
Your friend will simply just have to do what she needs to do to be with her father- cranky or not— during this difficult time without any outside interference.
Let her go. You’ve done enough.
I’m a doctor and it’s extremely difficult to make estimates on how long someone can live. This dynamic could potentially drag on for several months to years if her parents are as controlling as you say they are.
I understand the frustration of being with someone who seemingly can’t stand up to their controlling parents. I have a friend who similarly cannot stand up to her parents despite being a grown ass adult and it’s exhausting trying to reason with her to try to get her to live her own life (however, the situation is different since neither of her parents are dying). It’s up to you to decide if this relationship is worth it; 1 year of dating isn’t even that long, especially if 7 months of that has been long distance.
I’m sorry for your situation. I think you will need to put any thoughts of her visiting you off the table for the duration of dad’s illness. Talk to her about you visiting her – you two decide together what to do about that. I don’t think you can, or even should, jump every time there’s a scare with her dad…there will likely be many, and it’s such an emotional thing and their reaction is understandable. Maybe you wait until he passes and then go be with her if you can – that’s when she will need support.
You both are right to have your own reaction and feeling to this situation. You can’t change her or her family, she can’t change you or expect anything more of you.
You seem unhappy with the arrangement as it is now. What choices do you have realistically?
1. Continue living like this. And remember and be prepared that people are not dying like in movies. Sometimes it takes time, it gets worse and better. It can take a day it can take decades.
2. Move closer to your gf so you can be together even when medical things happen and she need support.
3. Break up if you don’t have any options and you feel like the situation is to much for you / you don’t want to live like you are.
You need to have a real conversation with her soon, so you know what she expect from you, what you expect from her. And how you can work together in this situation and if you can without sacrificing one’s life’s.
But you can’t expect her not to belive her parents. If the one time she doesn’t belive them and her father dies that time, she will never forgive herself or you.
Edit: u/pretend_unicorn had a good point that is also something to consider
Look, her dad’s dying. Maybe not in 2 months but he’s clearly bouncing between being seriously unwell and then recovering (even if parents are exaggerating). I’m guessing you’ve never experienced anyone seriously ill – although they’re lying and yes it’s frustrating, this is kind of how it happens. My grandma bounced in and out of ‘this is it’ and even palliative care for almost a year with heart failure. Doctors gave my stepmum 6 months with a brain tumour and she died in 5.
I’m not saying they’re not lying for control but doctors also often give estimates expecting patients to understand it’s a maybe, when all they hear is ‘2 months to live’. It’s very very common for people to not understand a prognosis or what timeframes actually mean.
Your girlfriend’s reality is that her father is dying. Even though maybe this time isn’t legit, ultimately she needs to be on call every time. It’s not about you. I’m sorry you made plans reacting to this but for your girlfriend it WAS real. You can dial back your support next time (be emotionally available but don’t book flights) but like… yeah this is what’s gonna happen when your partner’s immediate family member is slowly dying. I guarantee even with legitimate instances this will happen multiple times more before he dies.
I’m also confused as to why you’re now NOT going. Why are you wasting 2 tickets instead of 1? Or are you going back to your original Christmas plans? Which is fine but also accept that’s now a choice not to use your nonfundable, nonreturnable flight you just booked. You could still see your girlfriend in Asia, which given the circumstances is the only way you can do it, but you’re choosing not to – both of you are choosing not to, not just one, but she’s the one with the dying dad.
She’s not gonna come to you in this situation. It’s unreasonable to expect her to. You have no ‘footing’, it’s not a game of who gets control of your girlfriend between you and her parents – you should just emotionally support her, don’t jump to plans next time and if you can’t hack it you can’t hack it.
Dump her you don’t need this drama. You will see this is only the tip of the iceberg. Get away and don’t act like you and this girl are anything more than pen pals at this point.
Is it possible to delay her ticket? I had a similar situation and while I could not refund the ticket I got to save the amount I’d spent on it for up to one year.
Long distance? How did you verify her dad is sick?
A person who needs dialysis and doesn’t get it, will die. Dialysis is replacing what the kidneys do, which is vital to the human body.
I think getting fooled the first time is legit because you trusted her (and she trusted her parents) . But whereas she may find it difficult to separate out from her parents, you don’t have to stay in this situation where you keep getting fooled
Sounds like he gets “worse” any time your girlfriend has plans that don’t include her parents. It will be hard to make your girlfriend see that this is just another form of her father controlling everyone and, no matter how you say it, you’re going to look cold yourself. As someone else has already said- this could drag on for years so be prepared. Good luck.
If you can’t deal with it then I suggest you check out of it. She’s going to always choose her parents(rightfully), it’s very cultural even when the parents aren’t the best. Sit back and let her tell you when she wants to go see you so you stop losing money on flights.
Also, something seems off.
It depends on what kind of person she is. I lost a parent in my early 30s and i went onto autopilot and my only concern was my mother, id have preferred my partner got on with what they wanted to do , and id have encouraged them to go on holiday without me as I prefer to get on with things myself and not have them around trying to be supportive which id find annoying at the time as id out my feelings on hold to be supportive to my other parent. Im not saying thats right or wrong but you need to see what she wants and take it as gospel and follow that advice to a T.
It doesn’t help that she is controlled and janked around by both by her parents and you at the same time. You are her partner so just focus in supporting her through this difficult time (sick parent who is actually dying, and the fact that the family has a toxic dynamic). Show her what a healthy dynamic looks like in her relationship with you!
Yes it is selfish to think so much about your disappointment in the travel and that she didn’t visit your home country. Given the context. Whether he is dying in 2 weeks or 5 years, it’s still real to your partner and it is what she is having to deal with now, don’t add to that stress.
Personally, I would rather be safe than sorry. Even if his life expectancy is long, he fact do the matter is, if you pull her aside on a trip when she has expressed she wants to be by her father side, and he passes away. Regardless if it was expected or not, she will NEVER forgive you. All because you wanted to go on a trip, she missed maybe one of the most important moments of her life to be by her dad’s side when he passes. You will never live it down and you can pretty much kiss your relationship goodbye.
Also could you live with that in your concisen? I could not.
Yes, it’s unfair but this is reality. People die. At least you know she cares about family, and god forbid your family member or YOU get sick, you know she is the kind of person who will be at your side no matter what. So be on her side now.
Honestly it sounds like she can’t trust anyone and you’re seeing the situation clearly because you’re not in it/ don’t come from it.
I completely understand your point of view and commend you for putting her needs first. I also understand why you’re annoyed.
I think you should continue to be there for your partner and gently try and get them to see your side (like question it gently and see her reaction). It’s probably life shattering information to her and it would be awesome if you were there for her as she learns the truth.
That being said, I couldn’t do it forever.
Much love.
She’s never actually visited you, and the first time she has a reason she has to cancel.
How much are you supporting her and her family financially, if any?
I’ve read a Lot of stories about “girlfriends” in smaller asian countries, super nice when you visit, constantly needing a little help, not or very rarely visiting. It’s… kind of a way to make a living in some countries. NOT saying this is what’s going on here, but it’s extremely common.
If that’s not what is going on, sorry to increase paranoia, just a minor warning there are a LOT of “girlfriends” that are using someone or more financially, very loving when people visit, text and chat a lot, but also making a living.
You can google “thai girlfriend scam” (just the one I randomly picked countrywise) and get a ton of results of people who had a girlfriend regularly asking for money, never really visiting/not wanting to leave her country etc.
I sincerely hope this is utterly misguided and not what is going on at all, just a slight warning.
Speaking as someone who has parents that were incredibly controlling, it’s probably not her fault that this is happening this way. It’s a conditioned response from years of this form of manipulation. Add in the fact that he’s terminal (in away) and the control factor just goes through the roof, and that doesn’t even factor in what controlling behavior other members of the family have learned.
Not saying that the man isn’t sick or that his condition isn’t serious, just noting an observation from what you said and my own experiences.
I’m not sure how you navigate it, but it might be a good idea to suggest therapy for her in these early stages of grief. It will teach her coping mechanisms and allow her to build a resiliency that will help now and when he finally does pass. It will help her establish boundaries with her family as well which are probably more necessary than you realize.
Your girlfriend is an adult. Can her and her siblings go to the hospital and speak with the doctor or have a family meeting with the doctor? The fact that this happened already when the mom saying he had 6 months to live. I wouldn’t believe anything the parents say. The children seem to accept it like it’s normal.
I honestly think your girlfriend is scared to leave her country. Think about it. If your parent really had 2 weeks to live would the first thing you do is cancel the trip or think about canceling the trip? No your mind will be a mess and worried about your dad. Then she canceled it and 2 days later he was fine. That’s very weird.
I had a long distance relationship and sometimes it work but most time it doesn’t. Her first time traveling out of her country and alone would be scary and it’s the busiest time of the year. If you want this relationship to work you might have to be with her the first time and travel to a nearby country so she can get use to it.
It seems like she likes the idea of a long distance relationship and you traveling to her but if she had to travel she won’t go. It’s a 1 sided relationship.
Have you guys met before? I dont really buy this at all
I would feel extremely bad about telling you my dad’s dying and it turns out to be an overblown lie. The way you describe her relationship wirh her parents make me feel like why would she still be so close with them. And dont give me that they’re her parents!! Bs because I feel quite conflicted about my own who had their own issues. I would be so mad at everyone but you in this situation and would be tempted to just leave or come to you anyways, at least pay my half of the ticket you lost. Like it sounds like she doesnt want you to come because she has cold feet and doesnt want to meet. This excuses are like up there in absurdity but only you know the details.
Unfortunately, having grown up with two sick parents, you don’t really ever know when it will happen. Every hospital visit could be the last but most times they come out fine. My mom passed only 2 weeks after being discharged and when she was originally let out, she was fine and as normal as she was. Your girlfriend is dealing with a lot and if you think you’re getting frustrated about it, imagine how she feels.
I get it sucks to not be able to see her and kinda feeling like your relationship is on the back burner but this is real life and sometimes things just feel really unfair.
I’ll be honest… even if her WAS dying in 2 weeks… you have a literal list of reasons why he’s an awful person, the kind you’d never want to associate with. And on top of that, he’s lied/faked his own dying multiple times before.
You and your girlfriend are both fools and suckers for dancing in the palm of that ass’s hands. You moreso for not even being the blood relative.
Yes, you are doing this to be supportive of your girlfriend. I’d be very disappointed in my girlfriend – long distance, havnt seen in over 7 months – if she is this obligated to support her ugly character of a father. You deciding to jump the gun, drop everything, and fly out to offer support is noble on paper but way too much imo. Super expensive for you, but that’s your choice to eat these costs so you can try to comfort her as she loses a man nobody even likes.
I dunno.. the more i type this out, the more conflicted my thoughts become. I want to show support for your dedication in this situation, sympathy for the costs/lost plans. But at the same time, the father totally feels like an unworthy reason for it all.
I think you need to take a step back for a moment because the truth of a situation is usually somewhere in the middle. He is extremely sick, and it is possible that the mother is getting life expectancy suggestions from things doctors/nurses have said and is just running with them in a panic, only for him to recover. I think you possibly villainise her too much here, because what’s your evidence for her just making it up? You weren’t in those conversations, or in the hospital, and sometimes people do live longer or recover and go through several near misses after being given a timeframe.
I understand that this situation has caused some chaos for you, but you didn’t need to run around booking emergency flights etc, you’re allowed to just be a bystander in this situation and support your gf from a distance. It seems like because you’ve absorbed a lot of the emotional turmoil (and I’m not blaming you because I have a habit of doing the same sort of thing) you’ve ended up in a situation where you’re getting frustrated and have defaulted to very black and white thinking around the parents, but this situation is complicated, involves people dealing with a lot of grief, and at the end of the day, villainising everyone else isn’t going to help your relationship.
her family is dysfunctional and chaotic and she is reacting from fear and trauma. you can be compassionate without sacrificing your stability, don’t let her mother’s exaggerations dictate your life
Date someone in your country.