Hi, new throwaway account cause I couldn't get into my old ones from when I was 15 lol
the title says the basic ghist of it. My partner is asexual and we've been dating for nearly 2 years. I did know they were asexual when we started dating but we were both virgins and they talked a lot about how much they wanted to have sex.
in the two years we've been dating we've had sex about 4, maybe 5 times, all within the last year. never to completion for either of us because they aren't willing to do any foreplay on the rare occasion when they have wanted to have sex.
the first three times we had sex were in the span of 2 months. and then they've planned for us to have sex then cancelled maybe 5 times since, and then we had sex one more time after 6 months of not having sex.
To be clear, I am not forcing them to have sex, there have been maybe a small handful of times where I suggested sex but I stopped doing that when they said me suggesting sex made them feel pressured to do it. While I think would be beneficial to me if we had sex more iften, I'm obviously not going to force them to have sex. Because for one, ew no I'm not going to be an asshole. and for two, they obviously don't want that.
Now some extra backstory on them. They won't tell me directly, but I've gathered that I think they dislike sex a lot more than they're willing to tell me. sometimes when sex is brought up they'll scream like a cartoon cat, and they let slip the other day without mensing to that a big part of their depression spirals over the last few months has been the fact that they're asexual and I'm not. They've said that they could see us having a lot of sex when they're in a better headspace. But to put it bluntly I don't know if they're going to be in a better headspace, and from what I've gathered our sex issues have really added to their depression.
And now some extra backstory on me. Putting it mildly, I had a very isolated childhood living alone with my mother and no friends or chances to go outside without her supervision. I've gathered over the last year my mother is definitely asexual even though she doesn't believe asexual people are real. I was never taught sex ed, I had to figure it out vis references to what sex was on YouTube. I didn't know what it was until I was 15, and when the word sex was said my mother always said "sex is a bad word we never talk about"
So obviously on coming to university the idea of sex was very demonized in my head. and because of how scared I was of sex, I thought I might be asexual but was still pretty sure I wasn't. My partner really helped me over our first year together to undemomise horny and sexual thoughts to me, and being around people who would tell me about their having sex also helped normalize it. But then after we had sex for the first time my partner withdrew a lot about sexual thoughts and has told me how uncomfortable they feel if I say anything horny to them. and granted I definitely was overbearing at first, but now I really have withdrawn to, obviously only when we're alone saying horny things after they say things, that to me sound horny and make me horny, but to them I think are just jokes. and the other day they told me they feel like I'm sexually harassing them whenever I'm horny.
And I'm really trying not to? I don't think I'm harassing them cause I do completely stop if they tell me to and they say it's fine if I say horny things in moderation. But it's gotten to this point where it feels completely demonized to me again and I often have to stop myself from saying sorry if something horny slips out.
And I just feel like I'm drowning because I feel so horny sometimes that I can't focus, that I can't sleep, and I have no way to deal with that because masturbating doesn't help, or barely does.
I also feel so deeply lonely because I only get to see them once a week usually, in a group, and they're most often not willing to come over outside of a group. I almost feel like they're afraid if they come over alone that I'll pressure them into sex? and maybe this all makes me sound bad but I really honestly wouldn't. I feel like I also wouldn't struggle with feeling horny so much if I at least got to see them more, or if they were willing to sleep over (nonsexually) occasionally. but the last time they slept over was October, because we had a sleepover with a friend, and before that in June because we had a big group sleepover, and then before that, April last year.
They refuse to come over because they don't want to tell their parents they're going to see their girlfriend or sleepover with their girlfriend because they're worried their parents will think we're having sex. and so usually I only get to see them one on one very rarely, or when their parents are out of town. They don't let me come over often either, but their parents do really like me.
We're also busy with university and so I understand they need to focus on homework. But often I feel so lonely or cry home alone wishing I didn't have to be alone. I often can't get my homework done because I feel so alone, or so horny, or I just crave the intimacy of being near someone. because when I'm alone it just brings me back to being alone with my mother in the log cabin.
One night at 2am while we were on call my partner asked if it's normal for people to feel attracted to others while they're in a relationship, and so I said yeah and then they asked why more people aren't in open relationships, and then if I want an open relationship. then they essentially laid out that they'd trust me to have sex with other people, but they wouldn't do anything. And immediately I could tell this was them trying to put a bandaid on the issue. I still thought about it, and we did talk about it, but I think this is just a bandaid to a problem I don't know how to solve.
I love them so fucking much, and I don't want to break up with them or lose them. And I think they feel the same because we've talked about how neither of us know what to do about this issue and neither of us want to break up.
TLDR: My partner is asexual, and I think dislikes sex more than they're willing to tell me to the point of feeding further into their depression. I'm allosexual, and I feel deep loneliness and often hornyness that I can't get rid of. We don't want to break up. What do we do?