For context, I am having a breast reduction next week. a reduction i’ve wanted for years way before I even met him. another huge context behind this is that we’re not close to marriage, nor having kids. we’ve been together for a year and half almost 2 years. we’ve talked about it and obviously you want the relationship to head in that direction but nothing is for sure until you get to know each other well enough. also huge factor is i’m only 24. so i’m not really in the mindset yet to get married and have kids. I think he for sure is more passionate about the idea than I am. I found out I had pcos when I was 20. and was told that I can struggle with infertility. and that dimmed my light. and overtime I feel like I’ve steered more away from really wanting it because I don’t want to feel hurt if I can’t. like if it happens it will happen mindset. and I don’t think he understands that. some men will. but he will never fully know what it feels like to be in my shoes and be told you could be infertile and struggle with pcos.
last night we re directed to the conversation of the surgery. and I was telling him that it was hard to lean on him for support with the surgery because I know he fully didn’t agree with it. he thinks it’s going to affect my hormones and dis control me. he only thinks that i’m doing it because I don’t want looks and want my clothes to fit nice. which yes is true but it hurt when I have plenty of times told him it’s because of back pain and yes insecurity. but again he won’t get it. but his biggest factor as to why he didn’t agree with me doing it was because I could loose the ability to breastfeed and he would want me to. IF WE HAD KIDS TOGETHER. and I was like I really don’t care if I could or not. personally I think it’s my body, my happiness. and once I get there one day if I do. and choose not to breastfeed. I personally think that’s the mom’s choice. she is the one having baby latch on and dealing with it all. why does one man have to step in and tell you what to do. husband or not. I feel like the man won’t fee anything why should he tell one what to do. that’s just my opinion and how I see it.
so since I said I don’t give a fk if I can or not. he sees it as a fk me right. like I see his opinion and perspective. but I don’t think it’s really none of his business. but now I feel like the asshole. because I want this for me. but to me it seems like he’s making it about him? or i’m I trippin?
I was in a long term relationship with someone else before him and was just always wanting me to be happy and supported me always no judgement ever. especially if it was about my body. he wanted me to feel good and be happy. and now here I am not used to having someone up my ear making me feel this way. and making me feel guilty for something I want to do for myself. because he says I don’t prioritize want he wants.
I don’t want him the day of surgery nor in any of the recovery process. and he’s hurt that I don’t want his help. nor his money because he offered to give me money. but I said no. I said you can’t try to tell me you don’t want me to do something, judge me for it. then try to say you “support” it when you still hold your irrelevant breast feeding comment at an all time high. because you still don’t understand why I want this for me. to me that doesn’t feel like support after you discouraged me and continue to tell me you still don’t think you want me to do it just because your afraid I can’t breastfeed. I’m I the asshole for going through with the surgery even tho he said he didn’t want me to do it due to the breastfeeding risk?