Ok for context I (25F) am just sorta getting back into my sexuality. I had some mediocre experiences in college that left me feeling not so good about myself and I was so focused on school that I chose to not focus so much on sex and relationships. Unfortunately I’m already a sort of shy and awkward person with new people and not exploring in college has left me a little more anxious and awkward than a “normal” person I think. Now that I’m a bit older I feel like I’m ready to try and be social I figured I’d try to get back out there but not take it too seriously. Basically I’m just keeping things casual- hookups, fwb type stuff. Just trying to re-explore and learn what it is I like or want without making commitments while trying to not feel gross about myself when all is said and done.
I’ve already learned that I need to feel some sort of connection in order to want to meet up whether it be a strong physical attraction or a decent mental one. I think I’m like verging on demisexual and maybe need even more of an emotional connection? The problem is that since I’m so awkward I have a hard time gauging compatibility from texting or chatting on apps. It’s easy for me to hide my anxiety or awkwardness over text.
I feel like I’ve connected well with some people on apps or over text. When we meet it’s awkward at first but they help carry conversation and I eventually warm up and can be more outgoing. However my most recent experience was awful and has totally messed with me.
I was talking to a guy (30M) on an app for about 2 days, his conversation was pretty dry but he had the excuse of studying for finals. I still feel like we were compatible, he liked how I looked I liked how he looked. We both seemed intelligent and intellectually on the same level. We aligned with our sexual expectations as well. I was a bit quirky but he didn’t seem to mind, it seemed like relatively easy conversation. So we decided to meet up. We were both clear on the casual nature- hanging out, sex, sleepover. I drove 30 minutes to get to his place since I’m not able to host. Once we got inside I was a little shy and awkward- spoke maybe 2 complete sentences (small talk) before he told me “I feel like we aren’t vibing”. I took a second and said sorry that I’m awkward you make me a little nervous and then he just blinked and asked “can you go”. That was it, I was out of my car for all of maybe 4 minutes. I sorta laughed put my hoodie back on and left. My car was still warm.
I know that it’s my fault I jumped in too quickly after just 2 days of talking but I guess I was trying to see what level of connection or compatibility I would need? But now this whole thing has totally shaken me and I feel like I can’t trust myself to hookup or meet up with anyone because what if the same thing happens. Am I just too awkward to hookup? I feel like the nature of a hookup is that it isn’t a date, we aren’t learning each other’s deepest darkest secrets. But how am I supposed to vibe check someone or them to me if all the talk is purely about hooking up? Or what if I’m painting the picture of myself wrong so when I show up and am awkward they’re off put? How do I get a sense of if we are even compatible? How will I know if “we vibe”?
I guess I just need advice on if I’m doing something wrong or if I’m just expecting the wrong things from a hookup or fwb situation. The more I learn about demisexuality the more I worry that is what I am and it seems incompatible with hookups. I’m still incredibly embarrassed and I feel stupid and this whole thing has just raised my anxiety levels that I don’t know how to deal with it or move forward. Please be gentle it’s still fresh for me.
TL;DR: how to vibe check a hookup, text vibe doesn’t match in person vibes