I’ve had depression since my teens, and I’ve always felt different from everyone else. The last year has been especially rough. I have suicidal thoughts almost every day and constant rumination about my quality of life. I’m 38 and feel pathetic for struggling this much. I work part-time in admin from home, rely on disability benefits, and get by. My hours are flexible as long as I get the work done.
Loneliness is a huge part of my life. I don’t have much family support, and I’ve been single for over three years. I’ve never had a long or stable relationship. Most days it feels like I move through the world alone. The only person I regularly speak to is my adult son, who is at uni. Our relationship has been strained, and he moved out years ago to live with my mum, who I don’t speak to.
Social stuff has always been hard. I was diagnosed autistic at 28 after a breakdown and a suicide attempt. I often feel boring, flat, and like I don’t have good conversation skills or a sense of humour. Because of that, I end up with acquaintances but rarely close friends. People talk to me for a while then drift away. I’ve faced a lot of rejection.
I even run an autism group and still feel like I never properly connect. I constantly feel separate from everyone else and desperately want closeness but don’t know how to achieve it.
I’ve tried many things to change my situation: meetups, hobbies, volunteering, therapy, pushing myself to go out when I’d rather hide at home. None of it has made anything better, though I keep trying. I’m going to be alone this Christmas. I’ll have a meal with my son on Christmas Eve, but only for a few hours.
For years I thought I “just” had social anxiety. After the autism diagnosis, I realised I also have avoidant traits and maybe avoidant personality disorder. Recently I learned about schizoid traits and a lot of that fits too. Maybe my avoidant patterns have developed into something else. I’ve spent years trying to understand why connection is so difficult for me.
My social life has become a cycle of short-term acquaintances and people fading away. No long-term friendships. No stable relationship. Just trying again and again.
I’m posting this because it’s exhausting carrying all of this alone. I don’t really have anyone in my life, and I don’t know what to do. I could live another 40 years, and right now my life doesn’t feel good. My only real hobby is watching TV. I go to autism and LGBT groups but still don’t feel real connection. Exercise didn’t help much, though I plan to try again. The NHS hasn’t been helpful, and charity therapy hasn’t changed anything. Sometimes I even think about euthanasia in the distant future, when my son is settled, though I’m too scared to act on anything.
I feel worse every year. Christmas makes everything heavier. It hurts watching other people have connection, success, and belonging. I don’t know where to post this but I need to say it somewhere