Currently 38, married, 3 kids with a steady job that, not to blow my own horn but, I excel at. Very little debt, fairly handy so very few bills for car/home repairs etc.
I joke around a lot about being a loner, and as part of my job being working with customers in a service capacity I joke about not liking people, but I have no good friends who live close enough that I can hang out with. The two close friends I have, and I use the term “close” loosely, I would have to fly to see, and one’s military so that’s not an option right now.
I don’t have anything to complain about aside from that but there are days,like today, where I just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, like at this age/point in my life there should be more to my life than there is.
Anyone else feeling this?
41 comments
It’s not just you, it’s common right now. I think due to how crap the economy is, post pandemic trauma (hidden or otherwise) cost of living it’s affecting everyone to some extent.
It sounds like you have a great foundation a life many people strive for but the “mid-life malaise” is real. That feeling of emptiness despite having everything “right” is a shared experience.
It’s common to have acquaintance loneliness when your only local social circle is family or work colleagues. The jokes about not liking people likely mask a genuine need for deeper, non-transactional adult friendships the kind where you can just be without performance or obligation.
Having a successful life doesn’t fill every void. Your feelings are totally valid, and you’re certainly not the only one feeling this way at this stage. You have every right to want more than just the daily grind, even if you feel you have nothing to “complain” about It’s completely normal to feel that way, and I can definitely relate.
I’m in my mid/late 30’s and no kids, have a job but the thing is i don’t see my friends too often as everyone is busy but when i do, it’s not awkward and we continue where we left off. I do feel lonely sometimes, winter months don’t help but i try and surround myself with family, team mates and try and reach out to my friends when I can. Also i try and keep myself busy with learning, TV shows and films.
Do you have any family/relatives you could spend time with? What are your hobbies?
Are there any local community groups that could be of interest to you that you could join?
It’s the hamster wheel of the middle/upper-middle class
Same, bro.
Am literally sitting on bench in South Florida on a beautiful day thinking the same thing when I saw this post. I’m single, no kids, great job, best shape of my life, things are stable, and I just started dating again and have met a wonderful girl. But today, as lucky as I am and as good as things are, I’m just feeling melancholy.
I’ve done therapy before, might be time to go back. I was heavily recommend you consider the same. Until you figure out what you need to do, just remember life is being good to us brother. That is a blessing in itself.
Same, except I’m single and live by myself.
Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” — C.S. Lewis
You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” — Mary Tyler Moore
Something i learnt a little while ago, we need challenge in life or it becomes stagnant. Unfortunately.
Yeah man. It’s like a rut. I just feel like no matter what I do everything just feels….samey. like groundhogs day
That’s…. Pretty normal.
I haven’t felt that exactly, but I don’t count as normal.
I escape into my brain and spend a lot of time rooting around in there. Organizing. Cleaning up. Walking through scenarios. I also play a lot of video games, so distraction definitely comes easier for me.
47. Haven’t had any crisis…? Yet. Don’t really have any money to do that in a fun way so…. Find something to do. Be useful to people around you in need. Stop being boring and you might be less bored.
Same, bro. It‘s the economy and everything caused by it -> you have to work harder than before, so less time for friends. Daycare and all activities are expensive as hell, so taking care of kids is more labor on the parents than ever…
My coping mechanism to weather the storm: Exercise a lot. Depression hates a moving target. Not great, but keeps the boat going until we‘re in more steady waters again.
Just be grateful for your wife and kids and try to preserve that. It could always be much, much, worse. A lot of married guys get restless and do stupid stuff as they approach 40 and blow up their marriages and lives. Seek therapy if you see yourself spiraling.
Pretty much the same here. All friends and family live 1000’s of kms away. Thankfully I don’t have to deal with the general public in my work, or else I’d go truly nuts.
Yep, 48 and pretty much have things set up.
I feel like I’m a hamster in a cage.
Have you heard of Men’s sheds ?
https://menssheds.org.uk/find-a-shed/
When I was 12, my family and I moved to a new town. I remember being in the car with my dad and he mentioned how he doesn’t have any friends here. I thought that was so silly. I replied, “Dad, you’re old! You don’t need friends!” He just laughed it off. I was just a kid, but man, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Looking back, he was hurting in that moment, hurting enough to share his vulnerability with his kid that wouldn’t understand anyway.
Having a place / activity that is uniquely “yours” can really help (or, at least it helps me). For me, it’s the climbing gym. Even if I was in a relationship, it would be my place where I could go to do things uniquely for myself. It’s a form of self-care. In my own experience, this is something that I lost in previous relationships, due to my own fault. I didn’t see the merit in it and got wrapped up in the life of my significant other, foregoing my own needs in turn. None of that was her doing, it was self-inflicted. Getting lost in the care of others happens quite easily for me, but that’s another story.
Do you have any hobbies that have a social aspect? Even casual conversation and budding friendships from a shared social hobby could help.
Being a regular somewhere helps as well. I have a small group of close friends, but that’s about it. I get most of my social interaction from brief, surface-level interactions with people at places that I’m a regular at, like the gym for example. Even those brief interactions help make my day brighter.
This is pretty typical.
People relocate for their jobs and families. So, it is easy to lose touch with those we know. That makes it harder when one is working in a locale that one didn’t grow up in. Point being, you’re not alone. That was a nice friendly chat, kinda like at a pub. You seem like a decent fella, just get out and socialize more. You keep doing good!
Easier said than done right?
Relevant YouTube weblink from the Big Lebowski: https://youtu.be/W420gJ407Cc?si=lJ4qmY5tvcwDcPAg
There are so many people your age in the same boat. They are self-organizing for various fun stuff. Have you thought about googling, in your town, stuff that is conducive to getting to know people your own age, while also genuinely having fun yourself? Pickleball, volleyball, tennis, disc golf, improv comedy, book club, bocce, rock climbing, tabletop strategy board game day, kickball league, stuff like that?
spend time with your kids; like fully commit a couple hours today to what they want to do
gives a nice reset and reminds you why you go though all the bullshit
Yep, I’m the same as you and do service work as well, like being a loner, lol
I hope things get better for you.
I don’t feel it though. Im 30, childfree, no GF and I have a good stable job. I don’t feel amazing all the time and that’s natural. I have a good family and good friends. I have some hobbies that I enjoy.
All the time my guy! From the outside, it looks like I have it all. And I do! Wife, kids, big friend group, job I like that pays good enough. My problem is….. I’m 48 and tired of killing myself for a paycheck! I’m torn between continuing to save aggressively for retirement in hopefully 12 years. Or slow down, enjoy life a little bit now and have to work 15-16 more years!
Been feeling that way. I just discovered that getting extremely sick for a while, then getting better (think the worst pain you have felt for a week then is suddenly gone after a surgery) suddenly has me feeling a whole new kinda way. Appreciative? Idk hard to describe. I hope the feeling lasts long enough for me to make some real headway. Also, therapy definitely helped before this. Definitely find someone talk to. I think we face so little real diversity these days that our mind wanders so much we get in these awful ruts.
Everyone on this thread complaining / throwing pity parties. You’re an adult, a man now, and I suggest you spread your horizons from your family, which you’ve got covered, to your community or your passions. What that means exactly is up to you. You will find your future friends there.
Career and family wise I’m on the same place as you. I have friends in the area luckily but I felt I didn’t really have enough casual friends. I ended up joining a soccer league and coaching my kids soccer teams. Some of the coaches meet up once a week for beers and I play twice a week now. Really changed my social life and I am enjoying life a lot more.
The great bob Ross comes to mind when I get stuck ruminating. “Gotta have opposites, light and dark, dark and light, in painting. It’s like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in a while so you know when the good times come”. Ever try to teach your kids the art of kindness by spreading help to those misfortunate? Being the change you wanna see?
39m here, same, bro. Let me hug you.
Most of the time, yes.
Every since covid, its felt like that. The spirit of things just isnt there anymore despite not having any “hardships” in life right now.
I’m 38 also and I would love to be in your position. That’s not to dismiss your feelings, but I hope it provides some perspective.
Pick up a hobby with a community: judo, bjj or bouldering have strong communities. I’ve made loads of connections during my time in martial arts.
Been seeing a lot of posts like these lately….ppl seem to be missing something…
Same except I’m 41 and have 2 kids.
I’ve made it to the “American Dream” but I still have to go to work tomorrow, still have to pickup after my young kids constantly, still have to be near perfect for my wife or she’ll complain to high fucking hell and I never have any time for myself.
I have a multitude of hobbies that I only get to participate in a few times a year and if I can make it to the gym one day after work a week its a win.
Asking for any help with just about anything results in a response of “this is your current life” or “we all went through it”
Like what in the actual fuck???
It’s just a lack of being totally at peace inside. Sadness and discomfort come when you are resisting the reality of something (or many things) about your life — your age, your work, the state of the world, your own sense of failure/achievement etc.
Removing resistance brings peace. And the way you remove it is to accept everything that is. Everything. If there’s something practical you want to change about your life then go for it. But practicing total acceptance is how to get to peace.
Join your city community. Go to every event. Go to the education board meetings. Make baked goods for dubious causes. The more you invest in your community, the more they’ll be given an occasion to give a shit about you. Sit at home alone, and you’ll die in the same quiet.
Men need a tribe brother. A place where men can be with other men and talk about life. I love kids and I love my wife and it sucks to say but it’s not enough. We need a tribe of dudes we can depend on and be 100% authentic with.
You don’t have a passion or mission it sounds like
It’s tough. All my friends from when I was younger either turned out to be horrible people I can no longer stand or live far away. My best friend died at 38. I’m married, have two kids with special needs. Wife and I are both pretty successful by modern standards… like money isn’t an issue for us which is nice but most days I feel completely alone. Some days I can manage. Today was really rough.
Pick up frisbee golf dude.
You can play a round in 90 minutes
Outdoors
A skill to learn
Cool dudes.
And a great online community
Recently seperated after 30 years. Yes.
For the friends thing, pick any random interest that you are into at all or could get into, find a local Facebook group for it, you will find your people. If the first group doesn’t turn up a good friend or two, try another for something else. When you click with the right friend or more, you will likely naturally start to get together or chat via phone or text for other things beyond the original interest that brought you together.
Proof: I retired early and moved 1000mi away from my hometown where I had an army of friends and everything I’ve ever known in a grand metro in the most populous state to one of the least populated states in the nation in a town of 30k and real winter. Joined a local car Facebook group, had a couple friends lined up before I even pulled the uhaul into town. After we hung in person a time or two, one of us started a group chat. We get together for all types of occasions, and the group chat never goes more than several days without some activity.
I haven’t even utilized other interests yet, things like joining the local mineral and gem society who have rights to a couple local claims, sports/athletic groups, hiking groups, dog groups, finding snowboarding buddies at the local resort, etc. There’s local Facebook groups for all of it, just gotta make that first jump to meet a friend or two.
I also maintain my group chat with the original friends back where I came from, I come to town every year or two to visit, some of them come visit me on occasion as I happen to live in a desirable tourist destination. If your two friends from your old place already know each other it would be beneficial to establish a group chat with them, the group setting provides a more loose setting for conversation compared to one on one where the reply from the other is an obligation.
100% social connections are as important to wellness as physical activity or money. Men our age tend to struggle here. Make a couple new friends through a club or sport, it will help a little bit. Who knows maybe one of them will end up being a close friend
I think the lack of friends is probably the biggest thing weighing in you. I experienced that when I moved to a new city for a couple years, and it was pretty rough. I just wasn’t happy.
Consider finding some clubs or activities, then chat people up, get to know them, and invite them to hang out some time. Organizing an “event” can be as simple as texting people to see if they want to go check out whatever thing is going on in town that weekend, or a new bar or restaurant, or whatever.