I should ask right? But maybe I’m not ready to listen to his answer – I know what it is. He would say ‘I don’t feel the same’.
We have been friends for last 2 years and our dynamic was crazy good. We would talk everyday, he would be there for me everyday, would listen to everything I have to say or listen to my long voice notes. He would never complain. I would send him tons of texts and he would reply to all of them one by one with the same energy. I mentioned once I wanna go to Italy it’s my dream and he said I want to make it come true. We both planned a trip to Italy and went there alone.
So we both don’t live in the same country but he travels to mine every year because his family is here. For the first time, I crossed countries to travel alone with a guy best friend and yes I trust him a lot.
The trip was good, we both saw new sides of each other. Yes we shared a room for 10 days and often a bed too but nothing happened between us, he didn’t even touch me. He took care of me and was very protective of me throughout. He observed my sleeping patterns and watched my dietary habits. We fought once too but I sorted it out next morning and we got back to normal. When the trip ended, I felt heaviness. Nobody ever took care of me like this, I have always been the one who took of others and myself, I was so used to doing things alone that when someone else was doing it for me – I felt soft and I was comfortable being me and in my female energy.
I came back to my country with tons of memories, a suitcase filled with dirty laundry and a heaviness, mixed emotions with thoughts. Thoughts about him. His absence hit me. What if we could be more? I wanted more with him. I wanted him.
He became distant – I felt avoided and ignored. The guy who used to talk to me everyday and reply to all my texts with the same energy was now replying 2-3 times a week and with no energy. I felt a shift and it made me worse. My feelings grew and I got attached but never confessed. I asked him so many times what’s wrong? He said I’m just busy with life.
Funny how the most consistent guy who when through hell and back in last 2 years never got busy for me before but now he is, it didn’t settle with me. I kept trying to save our friendship and suppress my feelings thinking it will go away before I see him again. It didn’t go away.
One day I told him I injured my wrist at gym and another guy helped me late at night, post that event he became normal with me again. It just happened suddenly. I wasn’t even expecting him to do that lol.
After 4 months he is in my country again for Christmas. I met him yesterday. He was very comfortable with me being himself. Earlier he was often quiet, would not maintain eye contact and I was talkative with him but now he would look straight at me, would keep talking while I won’t. He noticed my new hair color, he asked when did you get it done?? He said YU got your eyebrows???
I said yes I always do why what’s wrong?
He said I observed it today, now I need to do that girls don’t feel I don’t observe them.
He asked about my dating life, if I’m seeing someone?, if I’m planning to get married soon?, what’s your criteria while finding a guy? Let me do some counselling here.
I said I don’t have anyone.
Then he said he’s talking to a girl who lives in another city and he will be flying to meet her specifically.
Something broke in me.
I smiled and said that’s good.
He used to say he is emotionally unavailable, yesterday do the first time he said I want a girlfriend now, the pool doesn’t have many options left and I want to settle down now. You do need someone in life.
I kept eating.
I felt his eyes on me I didn’t look up. He would always get a beer or a light alcohol with me, yesterday for the first time he took LIIT.
We joked around a bit more before he dropped me home.
Before going I made a mental note that after this meeting, I will never speak with him or meet him ever again. I want to close the chapter for my own good and sanity. I was getting anxious with the new him because I couldn’t get over the old him and the friendship we had.
I tried to save the friendship but I failed. I tried to suppress my feelings but I am getting worse.
A part of me feels he knows, another part of me feels he is just busy in his life and the priorities for him have changed.
If I confess, I might not be able to handle the truth. If I don’t? I suffer longer.
Either way I lose him or I have already lost him.
Sorry this was too long, thank you for your patience reading this.