People who had a kid despite being unsure of wanting a kid, how you doing now?
Just wondering if anyone actually regrets having a kid, im still a little unsure if i want one but leaning towards yes, ive heard that with having a kid if it isnt a FUCK YEAH its a no, thats what i read online but when i speak with real people who have had kids they tell me its perfectly normal to feel unsure and that as a matter of fact most men arent overly excited about having a kid they kind of just accept it.
What are your thoughts?
40 comments
I had my first kid at 22. I assumed having kids was just part of life, was super excited. I’m 36 now, divorced, and have full custody of 4 kids.
Funny how life goes.
I wasn’t sure I ever wanted kids, then my girlfriend got pregnant. So we got married. It’s been 25 years and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Wound up with 2 kids total and they’re both grown and amazing. I wouldn’t change a thing
They are exhausting, I am exhausted. I wouldn’t do it any other way. They are the best part of my life and I would do it all over again for them.
If you deal with any depression/anxiety/other mental health difficulties, I strongly advise to reconsider unless youre are 100% dead set on having them.
Edit: to add- i suffer from clinical/chronic depression and anxiety for the past 20yrs and have a 7yo and 4yo. Let me know if u wanna know something particular
I wasn’t ready to be a dad. She got pregnant. I got cut. Now divorced, but wishing I had more. It awakens something in you primal. But marriage can seriously suck. Vet who you marry.
If you want to talk to people who regret having kids, check r/regretfulparents
Be very careful with whom you choose to have kids with.
First kid at 30, second at 35. Not with their mom anymore but honestly they’re the best part of my life. Those dudes are rad as hell. I just sent the oldest off to college and I miss him like a phantom limb.
I definitely did not want one, had one at 20, and have never regretted it since…. then I had 2 more never regretted any of em. my life would have been a lot different, hard to tell if better or worse, but I’ve never regretted having any of my 3. they’re 22, 20 and 16 now
I was adamant that I didn’t want kids, as I’m not a naturally paternal person. But I ended up having one. He’s 26 now and my biggest regret is not having more. I admittedly struggled finding my pace and place when he was very young, but as he grew he became the greatest thing in my life and still is. He’s just a wonderful person and my greatest accomplishment.
My first and fourth were not what I would call planned. If it was up to me i would never have had kids. Currently they are (19F) from my first marriage and (9F, 8F, 7F) from my second. First one has grown up great. We have a good relationship. The last three are hard work and I haven’t days where I flit between running away and staying the course.
Didn’t really want kids for most of my life. Didn’t think they were worth it due to my childhood which wasn’t great. Started changing my for a variety of reasons in my early thirties. Wasn’t 100% sure but I had my first kid at 40. I’m 52 now and she’s 12 and she is the most wonderful part of my life. My only regret is that I didn’t do this earlier and that I will not have as much time to spend with her as I would love to.
Generally everyone who has a kid is going to tell you that it was a great thing to have happen because there is obviously a social penalty for them saying otherwise, and also brain chemistry changes who you are and what you want once you have kids.
Disagree with the take that you’ve got to be 110% ready.
You won’t be ready for a first, not unless you already volunteer full time at a daycare or something. Fake it until you make it; but having learned safety.
Being a bit hesitant is totally normal, after all it is a big deal and a big commitment. However. Right now I’m in the thick of it, my baby is about 3 months old and we are told we are in the phase where she cries a lot. I have never once thought about it as a mistake.
I friend recently asked me the same thing and we kinda came around to an explanation like this. When you go to someone else’s house and the dog comes to greet you, that’s great and all but you don’t *love* their dog like you do your own. His take was “I love my dog and am willing to pick up after it, but I don’t give a shit about anyone else’s”. Or seeing any kind of situation on a commercial or movie or something. You can’t experience the emotions those people do, even if you know how someone would feel it’s up to you to actually experience it.
You can’t experience the joy of seeing their first smiles by proxy. It’s incredible how the mundane becomes the extraordinary. A smile, a first “coo”, a first laugh, all melt your heart all over again. I defy anyone that’s not a psychopath to not feel something.
Best thing that ever happened to me, without a doubt.
I met my first wife when I was 23. With her came a 3 year old boy whose dad wasnt in the picture. So I went from being a 23 year old who was drunkenly loving life to a dad in about 6 weeks to 2 months. I grew to love him so much. His mom and I are divorced but that 3 year old boy is now 31 and he is my oldest son. Marrying his mom was a great move. Staying married for 18 years wasn’t. But if not for her, I’d never had known my oldest boy
I wasn’t 100% keen on a child but the wife was so I went along with it. My daughter is 27 and fucking fabulous 😊 Pretty damn pleased I did go along with the crazy idea.
I’m not sure why any dude would be crazy about having kids. But, so far, it’s been fun. Wife is happy. Kid is wonderful. And the human race continues.
My dad loved me but was distant, he never wanted me but went through with it.
Had he had the chance to do it again he wouldn’t have me, and I don’t blame him. He lost a lot of goals and dreams due to the finances of raising me. I essentially ended his life lol
I tried stepdad. I enjoyed being a dad. I did not enjoy parenting and trying to agree with the wife on things.
We’re divorced, and I have no more connection with the kid.
I had an event with my hobby recently with kids running around. Pissed me off. Saw a kid hanging on a shopping cart in Walmart the other day, and it got on my nerves. I’m not wired to be around kids.
It’s extremely rewarding. It is a lot of work and it will make a very large impact in your life, but it’s great.
Was in a pretty bad marriage, convinced myself I didn’t want kids. New marriage, got a step son and then two boys of my own. It’s so difficult. But so rewarding at the same time. Wouldn’t change it!
It definitely matters equally about wanting to have one and with whom you have one.
Even if you are like “fuck yeah I wanna have one” once you do there will be days where it’s just not fun at all. And that’s why you want to be with a partner that you can count on and have a deep connection with. It will push you to your limits at times and having that support is what keeps you sane.
I have two kids and I love them. It’s very hard sometimes and you have to do things that put your kids’ needs ahead of your own a lot, but it’s worth it.
I love my family very much 🙂
My kids were both accidents. My daughter is in her first year of University and the most precious thing in my life. My son is in grade 10. I can’t imagine how empty my life would feel without them
Its going well. Im 42 and nearing the empty nester stage of life. 1 kid already moved out and the other will be 18 in a few months. At this stage I cant imagine life without kids, and to be honest im secretly waiting for grandkids.
It certainly hasn’t been easy, but I dont think raising kids ever was.
Growing up i never really thought about having them, or planned ahead at all…. it just happened so I did what I had to do.
The path I was on before they arrived was very dark and troublesome, so I am forevor grateful that I had kids to show me a more positive path through life.
I cant say it hasn’t had its trials and tribulations but I truly believe my life would have been worse off without them to keep me grounded
It’s been nearly 10 years. I love that kid more than anything in the world. She was such a fantastic kid, I actually said we should have another. Unfortunately, we have 2 back to back miscarriages and we won’t be trying again.
My wife was adamant about having our daughter though, I was against having kids at all, but also knew that I was spending my life with my wife and I wasn’t going to keep her from being a mom.
Now, back to game night. I can hear my girls giggling while they wait for me.
gonna be honest with you man. no one will ever admit their life became more miserable with a kid they love.
Having kids is just the best thing ever.
I don’t know anyone that it was a “FUCK YEAH”. I know a bunch where it was a mild “hmm okay”. The general sentiment you’ll find is that people love their kids, they could not do without them. But most also mourn the loss of their childless life. Its 2 different lives but either of them can be fun, one just has a type of love in it that you can’t get from anyone or anything else. Once they are a little independent you can get most of your previous life back but now you get to share it with your kid, whether you want to or not.
Reddit isn’t a great place to ask, go ask other parents that make around the same money and live in the same area you do. Reddit is mostly doomers and extremely opinionated larpers with no actual experience or knowledge of raising children but still want to gatekeep it because they saw videos of kids acting up.
Kids are a big deal. Doing it right means they take up a ton of energy and time. Doing it wrong probably requires only a little less of each.
It’s also a giant relationship test; it’s easy to see why so many folks end up not together.
Regret, sometimes, especially when they are being obnoxious and ungrateful. “She wasn’t your mom and I could have kept fucking her for years. But I dumped her to start a family with your mom.”
If you’re not in a place where you have some financial security, not able to provide a home for the child, education, etc… then I’d say it’s not a good idea. If you’re having a kid because you want something to love…. Not a good idea.
Good luck.
It’s the best man. I’ve been sober my sons entire life (8+ years), before I was drinking IPA’s and doing coke living in my van. It’s a different kind of fun, be present for it and enjoy the ride!
Personally having kids helped me to grow up and become more responsible. It’s both the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
Best thing I ever did. It’s a form of love I’ve never experienced until I became a dad. Maybe it’s just our biology and the hormones that come with it in order to protect our offspring, but man I love this kid more than life itself.
But that’s just my personal anecdote. I’m sure there are people that regret it whether they admit it or not.
I remember having the mindset of if kids happen that’s cool, if they don’t, that’s fine too. I didn’t feel strongly one way or the other.
That completely changed when my first kid was born and it really was a paradigm shift and it became hard to imagine living without them being part of my life.
I never wanted kids. A fat lazy lesbian drugged me to get me to have sex with her. (This was not legally raped in my state at the time)
It’s a nightmare. Spending the weekend at my house with my daughter requires me to drive 20 hours. My baby mama’s car always seems to break down when it’s my weekend.
I’ve taken her to court over her failure to follow court orders on 5 different occasions, we have been to court on 6 different occasions. My daughter is a teenager now. Her mom is currently pretending that I have to run any plans I have with my daughter past her. I need to have a “discussion” with her. What ever the fuck that means.
The child support that I pay is the only income my kids’ mom has. Because she is lazy. She quit working as soon as she got her check. I believe her mom is trying to get her to fail school to extend child support until my daughter is 21.
The entire experience has been so horrible that I got a vasectomy to prevent it from happening again.
I do my honest best to have a good relationship with my daughter.
I hate her mom. I will never have another kid after what ive been through. Im looking forward to watching my kids’ mom try to find a job in just under 4 years to replace the money that’s been exported from me. Baby Mamma is a high-school dropout who won’t have worked in 18. When she gets evicted, im going to bring the movers who dump her shit on the sidewalk, a case of beer and pizza when it’s done. Give them a nice tip if they accidentally break something.
It depends a lot on the working relationship with Mom, but it’s the best thing ever.
I wasn’t sure I wanted a child. I think it was mostly because I was scared I would be like my father. I wasn’t.
There were difficulties, sure. Sometimes I swear they worked together to drive me nuts. Both of my boys turned out great though. I’m very proud of them. We talk pretty often. The grandkids are a bonus.
It’s going great now. I might have had doubts early on, but it was just normal dad worry.
Had my daughter at 21 while I was in college. Clearly not planned. Use condoms boys. Born in the year of 9/11. Graduated high school during Covid lockdown in 2020 as salutatorian with a full ride. She will be completing her master’s degree from Northwestern in June. I don’t even know how she did it. I like to think I did a pretty good job as dad when I was absolutely not ready
If you are being careful and thoughtful about it, you are more ready than you think you are.
I think it depends how much you value your freedom and how strong your relationship with your partner is.
I was on the fence and maybe even leaning towards a no but since my wife wanted kids and she wasn’t getting any younger I didn’t make my thoughts known. I’ll never say I “regret” it because it’s unfair to the kids, but I’d say you will lose a good bit if not all of your spare time and arguments will definitely increase.
Overall I’d say it’s a net positive because our kids’ smiles are basically priceless, but it has taken a small toll on my wife and my relationship and a bigger toll on my hobbies/travelling goals.