I (37M) married to my wife (36F) . We have a toddler who turns 3 next month, and another boy on the way due within the next 2 weeks !
My wife comes from an enmeshed family. She has 3 sisters all married with kids. When we became new parents nearly 3 years ago, her family, who doesn't respect boundaries at all, started a terrible fight with us all over our decision to limit visitors the first month our child came home from the NICU (IT was winter, and there is ALWAYS someone sick in her family during cold and flu season and our son was born early and under weight) . We went no contact with her family for over a year. They had ugly toxic behavior before this fight, this one was just the final straw. I became very angry and was seeing red with her family and I wanted them out of our lives for the rest of my days here.
After a year, we decided to reconcile and I felt bad and I do want my child to have a relationship with that side of the family, just with healthy boundaries. Well, after we came back in the picture, I wound up noticing over time , my child's behavior started to get worse when he was around his cousins. We have alot of kids in this family, 3 in particular close to my son's age (4.5, and two 3.5 year olds) . They NEVER play nice. Everytime they are together it is a constant fight of pulling them apart. There is literally never a split second of them playing nice, EVER. Kids have gotten hurt too in his family. When we got back in the picture I noticed his cousins were always hitting each other and my son. My son after several incidents of this, start les hitting back and sometimes even hitting first.
The 4.5 yr old nephew, his parents are awful parents they were investigated by CPS and almost had the kids taken out of the home. They have 2 older school age kids, also with behavioral problems. He belongs in therapy but his deadbeat parents don't bring him. However the school has inquired . My other 3.5 yr old nephews are BOTH in behavioral therapy, and it's not working at all they have been there over a year.
There were 2 recent incidents where my SIL came over with my nephew, I wasn't home, my wife and Mil were here, and when I came home after they left my son had marks on his face. The first time it was 1 faint scratch, and this particular time I told my MIL to invite sil and her kid over because my MIL was here and saying that her other daughter needed help so I said "awe okay. If you need to leave that's fine, or if you want to invite her here and the kids can play" . I'm pointing this out because this shows I'm not INTENTIONALLY trying to keep the kids apart as her family will try and gaslight me by saying.
2 weeks later while I was at work, my mil and this SIL and her kid came over again. I didn't mind that they came over. The next day I came home from work (I worked overnight they came over the evening before) and I see my son has 6 scratches on his face and 1 behind his ear ! I wasn't happy about this , given our history with this family I didn't want to come out and start a fight, but I expressed to my wife this isn't okay. The following day, my SIL doubles down and randomly tells my wife our child needs behavioral therapy. I told my wife nicely I don't think it's a good idea for this nephew to come here anymore. He antagonizes my son, and my son is still learning to share and when this nephew is taking my son's own toys from him my son gets defensive, they fight, and he scratches. My wife agreed.
Now this A.M, my wife's asks if it's okay if this same nephew and my other older nephew and MIL come over tomorrow night to bake Christmas cookies when I'm at work.
I don't like being that guy that my wife has to "ask permission" for her family to come over. And before the last visit I didn't care. But I just don't like the idea of my nephew, who has behavioral problems, coming here, and my son possibly getting scratches again. And the older nephew who is coming over, I'm okay with him coming over, but I'm NOT on speaking terms with his CPS investigated parents and they are not allowed in my home so that's another weird factor here.
If I make a big deal and say they can't come over her family will gaslight me and say I'm a bad person I'm trying to break the family up and not allow the kids to play.
I told my wife do whatever, they can come, but I stressed last time that was unacceptable and to WATCH our kid extra extra close because if I come home to Mark's on his face again , I'm going to be angry and say something.
How can I go about this in a healthy way? I DONT want to fight with this family. However, I don't want bad behavior around my son and I don't want to come home to him with marks on his face again.