I (36F) have been dating this guy (38M) since more or less 2 months, we went on more or less 9 dates (bars, restaurants, walks, my place, …). The connection was really good (no sex, only kissing and some touching). We took it slowly since he told me upfront that he was very slow to get to know someone else, and that he only could continue things if he was 100% sure things would work out. Very early he also admitted he thinks he might have some fear of attachment, but that a good connection might help him through.
We were planning on having our 10th date today but yesterday he sent me a text message to tell me he really liked me, that he finds me fascinating and that he liked our dates a lot. But that he has a very specific and superficial wish, which is that he wants a GF with a fat ass (which I don't have in his view). He said he knows that it sounds superficial, but he can't help it. He apologised for bringing it up only know (my ass was of course visible since 2 months), but he thought that our great connection would help him to forget it. But it did not, because this idea stays in the back of his mind.
I then called him to hear him out about it and he says fat assed girls really turn him on and that he can't shake the feeling it will be an issue. I didn't fight the idea and I said it sounds a bit absurd to me to end a connection with this reason (he was not my favourite body type either at the start, but because of our connection, this fades away for me, and I can feel still very passionate about him physically), but I also can't do much about it, my ass won't grow miraculously.
I asked if there is something more – like his fear for attachment speaking – but he says he doesn't really know sometimes what is going on in his mind. I stopped the convo eventually by saying that for me, this isn't something I can resolve, that I liked our dates, but if he doesn't feel physically attracted to me, then it is what it is. He then said that I could reach out to him whenever I wanted if I wanted to go for a drink or so, but I said I was not going to take that initiative, that he was allowed to do that for my part, but I will not start it.
I am baffled. I really liked this guy, the slow dates felt healthy, the connection was indeed great. I am having difficulties to understand why someone throws this away for the size of an ass? Is this the end? Or should I try to change the outcome?
32 comments
He sounds immature, don’t try and change the outcome.
Yep id call it quits man’s 38 and hung up on a fat ass. Like as an ass man myself can confirm what you do with what you’ve got is so much better than what you’ve got.
Find someone who respects you and likes you for you and won’t say some dumb shit like. Your butt isn’t big enough. I’d expect my 16 year old cousin to say this but as a 28 year old man I’m embarrassed for the boy you’ve been dating
Obviously this is then end. If he doesn’t want you the way you are let him go.
This guy sounds like a man child, and to drag you on this long just to ruin things for such an immature and pathetic reason says a lot about what kind of person he is. How he’s 38 years old and has the emotional maturity of an 18 year old baffles me
It is the end because he ended it. You aren’t his physical type. Let him go. People aren’t obligated to date people they aren’t attracted to. They don’t have to give you a chance just because you’re a cool person. We all have our sexual preferences. I admit it sucks though that he waited so long to tell you.
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This guy sounds Shallow AF and still a child. Honestly, why does it matter? If that’s what he wants, he should just go to clubs. Why work on a relationship and be like, “Oh, your butt not big enough.” Good God, women deal with BS as well.
Nah. Move on to better things.
Everybody is entitled to their preferences so the problem isn’t that he wants a woman with a fat ass. The problem is that he wasted your time and effort, and you actually developed a connection with him, while knowing fully well he wasn’t attracted. I’m not buying the “I thought I could get over it” excuse, at 38 he knows better.
There’s no changing the outcome, he made his choice. It’s highly likely he will pop up again, I’ve seen it often with men in their late 30s-40s. It’s also very possible his fear of attachment leads him to find reasons to not pursue relationships, only to then change his mind again and again. My advice- don’t fall for it, block and move on.
Tell him you actually have a BBL scheduled and then ghost him. Really ef that guy.
Go to the gym, build a booty and when he comes crawling back let him see that booty walking away. His loss
This is like an air horn going off mid conversation. This guy is a few fries short of a happy meal.
Not knowing what goes on in your mind at 38 requires active avoidance in personal accountability and personal understanding , or a lack of that type of intelligence which is highly valuable in relationships. If a big butt was so important, he should have just gone on one date. Instead he dragged you along because of his lack of self understanding.
Fleshed out adults with decent emotional value systems can override baser superficial desires for the sake of a bigger picture, and emotional attraction and intimacy can increase sexual attraction to features regardless of shape, size etc if they are generally attractive to you to begin with and their is good physical connection.
It’s time to walk away and be glad he wasted 2 months of your life rather than 10 years
Sadly, I think you’ve just dodged a bullet.
He may have a preference for big asses, but I think it really could be his attachement style speaking. Or he is really superficial. But even if you had that big booty, i think he would have found sth. else missing. So yeah, I wouldn’t waste more energy on this guy to be honest.
I really like how you made it clear you won’t reach out to get together for drinks.
Use that time to get to know someone else. Soneone with a healthy attachement style, who looks for something long time like you do.
astonished how dumb adults can be, jesus. too much porn from this 40year old child
Probably made it up to get out of it Said something that’s impossible to fix Guess it saves any other type of awkward conversation
Dang all I can say is I’m sorry 🙁
Be grateful he came off as a baby that soon, walk away.
Anytime someone tells me they never want to see me again I don’t try to change the outcome I go hangout with people who like me
How do these type of guys even get dates lol? I’m constantly blown away by the toxic behavior these guys display.
He doesn’t want a connection, he wants a woman he can fetishize. Move on.
Drop him.
At 38, he would have known early on about this preference and should not have wasted your time if it was that big of an issue. On the chance that this is the attachment issue showing up, he should have learned to get that under control by now in a way that doesn’t hurt others.
Again..this guy is 38 but acting like a child.
As someone with a less voluptuous ass myself, I have heard this myself a few times. So many relationships don’t work out past a few months, for so many different reasons.
A girlfriend of mine was often told that she didn’t wear enough makeup, while I was told that I wear too much, upon being rejected a few months in. Both were things that were observable on the first few dates. Other guys told me I wasn’t religious enough or active enough (when they also were not) or came up with sudden hobbies that they were interested in that they “knew I wasn’t into “. One guy told me he was really interested in getting into biking daily, but he didn’t even have a bike. When I was going to school and working full-time, I was told that I should consider getting a nose job. Great !!
It seemed like we were just dumped for various things that we couldn’t or didn’t want to change. Try not to let it get you upset about your body, because that truly may not have even been the issue.
This happens a lot in the beginning, or a few months in, and yes, it can be because the guy is overly avoidant of trying to have a real relationship in the first place.
You need to reject him back, for not giving the relationship a chance. Most people would know after 2 or 3 dates, and not string you along for as long as he did. It’s better if people really think about the other person after just a few dates, and decide earlier on.
He may or may not be telling you the “real reason“ he wants to stop dating, but it doesn’t really matter. He wants to end it to date other people still, and that hurts.
At least you know that you can give a guy a chance, and it sounds like you were really patient and sweet with him. Don’t give up because of him. Think about what you want, and make sure that guys are up to all your standards.
I don’t think you have time for friends that are exes or guys that have rejected you. You want something better. He sounds like he is open to using you in a way, as some sort of attractive person to date and string along.
Why would you still be interested in this guy? 38yo and getting hung up over an ass. Yeah yeah preferences, but like you said, youve been seeing each other for 2 months now. If it’s that much of a problem he should’ve respected your time enough to break things off in the first week, not 2 months. Ridiculous.
I’d expect this kinda of crap from a 20yo but not a dude who is almost 40. Time for buddy to grow up
Please end it for your sanity. Do not let him spin the block later.
The end.
This is definitely his attachment issues kicking in- he’s subconsciously pushing u away and has not been able to find a good excuse!
Let it be- I lead he becomes consciously aware that he is doing that and starts to work on it and talk about it then it would just be a rollercoaster for you.
I have disorganised attachment and it used to be super hard to not do this and to recognise when it was the attachment style kicking in or when it was something genuinely important to me.
Probably what is important to him is that he is able to leave without any repercussions.
is this real? yes it should be over – he called you up and said some ridiculous shit. this is the start you’d want for a relationship?
i’m sorry that you genuinely felt a connection with this guy, but i believe that you dodged a bullet here. of course it’s okay to have preferences, but, at his age being hung up on a “fat ass” and overlooking the connection you two have is probably a good sign for you to walk away now. on the bright side, at least he told you about this within two months and you didn’t waste years of your life with a man who seemingly does not care about finding a woman he has a genuine connection with, just one with a big butt.
Of course it’s the end. He’s told you he doesn’t find you attractive. Why would you want to change his mind?
38yo and still behaving like this. Wow dude I thought at that age he’d be a lot less superficial than just wanting a GF with bigger ass.
Ugh. I’m sorry he wasted your time. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned no one person is 100% perfect so you have to settle with the things you can live with. My husband isn’t 100% my type physically either, but he’s so sweet and our personalities mesh so well. I can’t imagine letting that go to date someone based upon looks, but their personality sucks. I feel like the guy you were seeing used this as an excuse for his avoidant tendencies.
I foresee that he’ll be back (since he said you can ask him to meet up for drinks). I would highly advise you not to go. He’ll just string you along again.
A guy I was seeing before I started dating my husband had that “avoidant” style and STILL REACHES OUT even though it’s been over 8 years and I’ve been married for 6 years. I used to be nice because we had mutual friends but now I’m like…. dude, it’s been EIGHT YEARS go away . Wtf?? Men are so weird. I can see the guy you were dating doing something like that.