A lot of my friends have been long term friends, but through that time, I have also grown apart from some of these friends just because they either moved, never grew up or just became quite different.
With that, now that I'm in my 30's i'm finding it very difficult to find new friends. I've made friends at work, but they just feel like work friends since we don't spend time together outside and it's hard too since some are much younger than me while some are needing to rush home to take care of their kid.
Beyond that, I've tried:
– Meet up groups – but they seem to attract some very very odd individuals to where I've left these meet ups early because they are very odd. Either insanely introverted, overly desperate for friends or just don't seem "real"
– Hobby/events/clubs – but you've got either the late 20's kid who's still partying, early 30's guy who acts like a bachelor or overly committed to their career/significant other, and mid 30's+ who only has free time at the event and needs to rush home.
Of the people I have befriended though, we typically hang out a handful of times before I generally fall off since they are overly desperate to hang out (had 1 guy want to hang out almost every single day and then would get pissed when I couldn't), was just at the event/club just to try it out (here I am actually very into said activity) or I learned that the person they presented themselves to be is not their true self.
Made me wonder, after 30, is it that much harder to find friends or is it because we're just tired of the BS?
33 comments
im just tired period
I’m tired of the BS. I am not interested in making new friends, tbh. And I’m just tired.
Just busy bro.
I’m just tired tbh
I’m just too focused on my own path right now. I don’t necessarily hate my friends but they’re on the same boat. It’s just best to find people who has the same mindset as me.
People start getting married, having kids, getting invested in their careers (management roles), etc
It really is harder to find friends, and when you do make friends your age, it can take forever for logistics to line up to actually meet up.
I’m struggling to find new friends too. Half of my friends just don’t care enough to go out anymore after COVID and the other half are busy being parents. It sucks.
My wife and I would love to just hang out with other people in a fun, yet casual way. Maybe start your own Meetup group and see what happens? That’s where I’m at.
> is it that much harder to find friends or is it because we’re just tired of the BS
Yes.
But seriously, I think a lot of the things that “slow down” with age are just because you lose your hunger for things. I feel like your creativity starts to (slowly) decline in your 30s (e.g. look at when artists peak), but a lot of it is because you just aren’t as hungry anymore.
(Obviously, yes, you can still be hungry, you can peak later, etc. etc., I’m just talking averages.)
I dunno why ya’ll so tired. Maybe it’s time to get a check up.
Meh, some of the best friends I’ve made have been since I was 30.
I got into a niche hobby focused on community, picked up five or six very close friends I talk to regularly.
Online games. Picked up another five or so friends who I talk to semi-regularly.
Made new friends at work too, just people who came in and were friendly. Go for hikes and do some things with them.
Idk man, I’m tired by I’ve created some really dope relationships with folks in addition to maintaining my running relationships from college and my best buddy from HS. It’s all worth it.
both
I say it’s just you have more responsibilities and less time to just look for friends if you don’t already have a similar hobby or if you don’t work in the same place.
It gets harder because you’re out of college, and you’re not in close proximity with the same people day in and day out. It gets easier again if you have kids.
After 30 I got much more selective with who I wanted to be around. Friends group got smaller and refined, and others just faded out to more of an acquaintance type relationship. So adding others into that group… It’s not that it’s harder or just tired of the BS, it’s more that there’s more check boxes to fill the older you get and, if it’s not an instant click (and there are some people I’ve met who are the instant click type), it takes a lot longer to check those boxes off.
I just don’t have the goddamn energy after work and being a dad and being a partner to meet anyone new and hang out. Nor the time. Nor the desire, having been forced to move from my home to an area of the country that I genuinely detest and consider a major downgrade in, quite literally, every which way, filled to the brim with individuals that I may be able to engage in small talk with during office hours, but have little regard for otherwise.
So yeah. I’m sick of the BS.
Definitely both. I’m almost 39.
Everything is relative.
It’s just easy to make friends while in school. You’re shoved into a classroom or an activity with people every day. Chances are you’ll find a few with whom you have something in common.
Once you exit the womb that’s school, it’s something that takes time and a little bit of cultivation. It means that you have to make the effort to find things you enjoy doing and meet people who also like doing them. And then, over time, finding the people with whom you enjoy a certain affinity.
Patience is required. Not to mention a little bravery. That’s it. But, hey, if you don’t leave your home, if you sit at a computer and don’t try anything new and keep at it over time, then yeah you’ll never make new friends.
And whatever you do, don’t be cynical. Cynicism is just cowardice pretending to be sophisticated.
I don’t need new friends. People try hard sometimes too, but ya know… I value my peace. I have my friends and family already.
Lady here and feel free to haunt my posts but I write a ton about building and maintaining friendships. I go to conferences. I read white papers. I actively keep many many circles going at once and here’s what I’ve learned.
You need to go to places where the exact same group of people meet at the same place at the same time for at least 40 hours before you have any chance of actual friendship
There are plenty of studies that also come to the same conclusion
That’s why things like heavy groups tend to have more success than one off meet ups . Start to think about activities in your local area that fit this criteria. For me it was:
– building competitions I do tons of hacks robot wars build competitions. I specifically pick ones that are over a week long with extensive in person components
– Volunteer and start organizing and recurring festivals and events especially ones that I’ve been going for 10+ years already you have a built-in community that’s excited to volunteer. It happens again and again it will gear up and often have a wrap afterwards.
– Musical bands again there’s practice and there’s the
– Theater groups, backstage or front stage I’ve done both and damn I love doing all the technical stuff lighting board sounds scenery. It’s fun. The peeps are weird as hell but generally good eggs.
– sports I also play a ton again you got practice you got games I just highly recommend playing the sport. Don’t watch the damn thing there’s nothing more boring than watching sports. In my opinion. It’s like watching someone read a book. Just read the damn book.
– social clubs like the odd fellows, the Masons, churches volunteer organizations shelters any place that offers a solid central meeting place with regular event events that they schedule and curate. The same group of people will show up there is your community of friends.
– niche hobby groups so that you get a smaller group of people that are really dedicated. I find some super cool ones or like rare sports or for me personally historical stuff so I’m a sucker for anything with swords and do a whole bunch of reenactment sword, play sword fighting ren fairs, etc
– Classes this is an excellent thing you can do it to boost your career. You can do it to learn your skills. You can do it to be creative. Whatever class you take you’re gonna be signing up with Sam Gruber schmuck for a period of time. it’s a great place to make friends.
– political stuff I’m always running for things in the community and my City you need good people forming the political basis of anything and there’s a huge community of people that you’re going to meet. You’re gonna stop around the neighborhood you’re gonna meet people you’re gonna get events you’re gonna shake hands you’re gonna chat now. Everybody knows me around the block and they’ll just say hi. There’s a lot easier to make friends that way.
And most importantly, you have to be a friend to make a friend so make sure to reach out to people remember their birthdays make a little note in your contact with the names of all important people in their life important things going on and a couple things I enjoy actually plan things and invite people out
It takes time and effort, but it’s super worth it. Your friends will be there, even if relationships go.
Also, you’re really gonna need to keep up with the habit because friends do pass on and move on so you need to continually renew your source of friends
The good news is you can start right now and it cost nothing so go get them tiger
I think it’s easier because of the reason you gave, nowadays I skip all over the ‘polite’ surface talk and really get to know someone. It’s easier because I myself don’t hide or mask as I did before. I’ve made way more close friends in my 30s than any point of my life
I recently met a group of guy friends who around my age, no kids or wives yet (I know I got lucky) but before then it was difficult to find and connect with new people. I hope you end up meeting your soul tribe like I did
It’s honestly just easier to make friends when you’re younger because you are put in that circumstance daily through school. I think the main problem people have with making friends is that they expect to make one when they go out to these things, but you have to keep meeting the same people consistently to click.
Probably because you need fewer friends. Once it was 4 or more at the pub, shouting each other. Now a lot are happy with just another couple , to catch up with every few weeks and if you’re not in a couple situation. Be happy with work mates, even if at knock off you go your own ways. But you can suggest going out for a sherbet
For me, I have a family and career. I don’t have time for friends at this point in my life.
It definately is. People are also seem less invested into friend groups as they get older and it becomes this self fulfilling prophecy of people in and out the door because everyone thinks they will leave eventually.
I wouldn’t sleep on making friends with introverted or folks “desperate to make friends”. These are the people who are socially most likely to form fewer but deeper and more concrete connections.
I have a small handful of good friends. It’s not hard to make new friends, but it can be difficult to make very deep friendships, only because it takes significant time. I’m also quite picky about who I open up to. I was more open when I was younger but I’ve learned not everyone deserves to know everything.
I’ve made a lot of new friends in the past couple years, maybe a few in the past year.
Met one guy though a hobby and we ended up having a bunch of adventures together over the summer. We both have kids but we happened to both be free at the same time for a couple months.
The last actual friend I made, I was 22. I’m 50 now so, yes in my experience it’s pretty tough going.
no its just full of bs, and too much calculations they want to take resources from you
when you keep seeing the same damn shit, you stop dealing with people and find being lonely is more fun than suffer
Because when many people hit 30 they face a crossroad where one path is the younger friends that still enjoy going to the bar and waste the weekend with money on alcohol and being hungover, the other is the family route where many parents just overplay the ”oh im so tired-card” as an excuse of sit home and Watch tv or play videogames. The lack of physical activities pre-child wont magically do the trick for you when the kid if born. People aint wanna do the work thats it
Kinda hard to make friends when everyone is struggling to survive.
I’m married with kids and have a demanding job. I also live out in the sticks so driving 45 minutes into the city takes a concerted effort. I’m also an introvert so in my limited free time I want to do things I enjoy like sleep because work and household chores is fucking exhausting, watch TV shows on my watchlist, shit post about politics, game, read books, and spend quality time with my family.
All my friends at this point are work friends or old friends I never see and only interact with on social media. And I’m ok with that I guess. I use the term friend very loosely because they are probably more like friendly aqaintenaces at this point. I have zero expectation of hanging out with these people outside work. But at work, we joke around and can have fun during downtime.
Some friends will change, but they can also chabge back to your lvl. You can call them once in 6 months. Dont stop doing that unless the guy really gives signal he doesnt want to stay friends with you.
The weird guy, tell them you can only see them once a month or 2 because you got other things to do.
Other friends that you cant see, just try to see them at the door of their house for 5 minutes because you were passing by.
Trust me, in no time you will have your hands full and a lot of guys will apprexiate it.
I had the same thing happening but i can see they zre happy somebody is putting in some work. Ofcourse only do it if they are happy to see you.