i sometimes get out of my way to help my colleagues feel better less sad etc. but i cant tell wether they appreciate it or not and if they dont appreciate it then is my presence even positive? can i be making someone feel worse just by being there? i hate to talk to people because people dont get to talk to me. no one reaches out and i always try to do the reaching if i dont desire to be lonely. i am not sure of wether some people are my friends or just happen to be there in the same place as i am on multiple occasions i dont think my presence is welcome and i dont get why they stay with people who caused them harm before.
i dont know what it implies to have my friends not reach out to me first at all i really cant be sure of the meaning because they say something yet i feel something else. at some point i used to make them amigurumis of their favorite characters in their birthdays because thats my way of displaying affection yet they fail to include me in anything, it makes me feel like i wasted hours of my life doing unnecessary things since they dont seem that grateful eitherway. i know they are not bad people but i cant help but feel like i am forcing myself to fit anywhere and fail to fit everywhere.
why is it that some people praise me for literally displaying the slightest bit of talent but my friends seem to intentionally ignore me when i try to show off. it makes me so scared because it feels the more closer i am to someone the more far they are away from me and i dont want to die like this.