TL;DR I am worried about my boyfriend’s nonnegotiables for our potential future, and I want to know how I can talk to him about it/what I should do.
Hi, so my (23F) boyfriend (26M) and I are in couples therapy due to my trauma negatively impacting our foundation. There’s no abuse or anything here, so just want to get that out of the way.
We discussed nonnegotiables in our last session, and some of his were surprising and hard to digest. The few that stuck out were:
- “Wouldn’t marry someone who wanted to hyphenate rather than take his last name entirely”
I’d mentioned wanting to hyphenate because of how few people with my last name are left (and they’re all my family), so he’s know that this was important to me.
- “Once kids are involved and in the house, not smoking weed more than a few times a year.”
I am trying to cut back on my usage now, but this just feels controlling. Especially since the same definitely will not apply for alcohol. Could I ask the same of him and drinking? Probably not.
- “Wouldn’t marry anyone that’s a public figure in any capacity.”
I don’t want to go into anything that big, maybe some local stuff, but with the kind of work I want to do, I can’t guarantee it wouldn’t happen. I still want to do things like publish work and act for good change, all stuff he’s known I want to do.
- “Has to be okay with naming our son [Boyfriend’s name] Jr.”
His name is the same as his father’s which is the same as his grandfathers. I’ve had issue with this before, because I just feel like if I carry a baby for 9 months I want to name him too. I just want an equal say I guess. And what if there’s another son? What if he feels left out/not as special because he isn’t named after his father? I also feel kind of like “I love him and his dad so I don’t really care the name of our potential son.” But also it’d be weird for my son to have the same name as my husband. Idk. I don’t feel as strongly about this one as I used to, but I still feel like I wish there was room to talk about it.
He has a very strong family, and I have a very fractured one. I’ve been excited about my career for a long time, and I’m enjoying this time in my life where I can build the foundation for it. However, I know he worries about me being an absent mother due to my ambitions. I have no intention of doing so, and I know the kind of mother I want to be.
So now I’m just asking for yalls advice on what I should do. Should I just leave it until our next session? Should I give up altogether? I really don’t know.
I know he loves me, but the fact that if I didn’t adhere to all of these he’d find someone who will is troubling for me to think about.
43 comments
You are incompatible and he is controlling as fuck.
His needs sound incompatible to your expectations.
This is controlling and it’s wild to me that you are in couples therapy at age 23. Get away from this guy who wants to clip your wings and grow your career, it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders.
These are all so cringe and controlling to me, he sounds like an asshole tbh but obviously I don’t know the entirety of how he makes you feel day to day. It’s weird that he’s laying out all these things without considering how your feelings are impacted, I wouldn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t take me into consideration when being stubborn on things that shouldn’t matter. Like every single thing that isn’t “negotiable” relate to treating you or your potential children like property, not people, I’m just saying girl… lol
I was “out” at number one. By number five I was out of my chair, out the back door, in my car and headed for the state line.
Your boyfriend is basically giving you a pretty petty list of demands to change your behavior.
“Your name doesn’t matter, but mine is non negotiable”
“your habit needs to be controlled but don’t talk about mine”
And best yet
“I get to say if what you want to do is “public” and veto large parts of your life and desires if they don’t fit into my mold for you.”
He sounds selfish, petty and lazy. He is using this moment to let you know that he will dump the person he knows you to be unless you change and limit yourself (and your future child) in ways that please him.
The hypocrisy around names would drive me crazy. And heads up if he is THIS obvious and sexist about hypocrisy, names are not going to be the only place this comes up.
Tbh, none of this actually sounds unreasonable on either side, it’s just not a good match.
Personally, I want my wife to take my last name because I want our family to have the same name, and I’m a bit traditional like that. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman wanting to keep her surname, I just would prefer we share a name. Wouldn’t be a deal breaker, but it’d give me pause for thought.
I would have absolutely no weed or alcohol around my baby.
I’d be fine with my partner being in the public eye, but I can see why people wouldn’t like it.
Not a fan of men naming babies after themselves, but if it was a family tradition that’d be different.
Like, you’re within your rights to feel how you do, and so is he. I think these are just areas in which you’ll never match.
>Could I ask the same of him and drinking? Probably not.
Why not? The answer to this question will tell us everything we need to know.
Regardless of *what* his “non-negotiables” are, they are, well, *not negotiable* for him. So no, you don’t talk to him about it. You decide if you can live with them, or not, and you act accordingly.
Girl never date a man who wants you to dim your shine. I’m a public figure in my community and my career goals were part of why my college boyfriend and I broke up. My husband is very careful about not letting work bleed into our personal lives AND he’s the biggest supporter of my career.
Date someone who is on board for being with someone who is in the public eye and wants to keep her name. They’re out there.
Okay. There was a post recently about a boyfriend asking only that she wear a bra in public. People went wild saying he was controlling.
THIS to controlling.
Oof. Throwing away a whole person because of a last name?
I love my name, I picked it myself and I still would at least be open to a conversation if he wanted me to take his.
This is all too extreme and an indicator that he will not allow a two way road with precious parts of your life.
I wish you well.
The good news is that yall are having those conversations now. The even better news is that you don’t have to agree, you can find someone that is more compatible with you and let him find his perfect-blank-slate ~~incubator~~wife.
These are reasonable things to talk about and people will have valid perspectives on both sides. The thing that strikes me, is that all his “nonnegotiables” are things that he *already* knows you feel differently about. Laying them out this way and with that background makes me think that they are more about control and less about the things themselves. And, if that is the case, there will be more demands to come. If you make your life smaller by giving up your ambitions, less pleasurable by giving up the things you enjoy, less meaningful by giving up things important to your identity, he will only have more requests and you will have to keep chipping away at the edges of your life. Don’t do that to yourself.
Everyone has legitimate nonnegotiables but they should be laid out early. It feels like he waited to get to know you before sharing these and that feels targeted and unkind.
Your boyfriend sounds superficial, fragile, and controlling. You should assert your needs now so that when he gets mad about it and you have to break up, it will be easier if you ever have to do it again with a future partner.
His “nonnegotiables” seem just like really pointed at you specifically, controlling, and overall things that wouldn’t actually affect him. Not to mention sexist, uncompromising, and hypocritical. You should never be with someone who you fear would leave you if you don’t “adhere” to them, my goodness.
A loving partner who sees you as an equal would respect your decision on YOUR OWN NAME, work together to reduce both drug and alcohol use before even the thought of kids, fully supportive your public community work, and make sure you choose a child’s name together that you both love. The fact you are thinking of having kids with this man is a bit scary not going to lie.
It almost sounds like he’s specifically creating non-negotiables that he knows you’ll never agree to.
I think this relationship has run its course, and he is passively hoping that if he throws enough wrenches into your gears, you’ll do the dirty work of ending it.
Okay, well, take him at his word. These things are NOT negotiable. If you wish to retain autonomy and your own identity and career, you are not the right fit for this guy.
He might be a terrific man. You might be a wonderful woman. I bet you’re both good people, generally speaking. I bet you love each other.
However. That does not make you the best match for each other. Love is not enough. “But he’s a good person” is not enough.
I would think long and hard before marrying someone with this fragile an ego.
You are not compatible. Being with someone who wants someone different from who you are is soul-sucking, exhausting and terrible for your self esteem.
You’re too young to dump your ambitions for this clown who wants you to fulfill HIS. Dump him.
Why is his name more important than yours? Why is his choice more important than yours? This isn’t love, it’s ego and control masquerading as love.
Those non-negotiables seem like you two are pretty incompatible, and unless you plan on bowing to his whims all your life, you should leave and not waste more time on someone who wants to control you that badly.
I hate these dweebs that think their name is the name of Jesus h Christ, God and all the saints and their wife’s name is the equivalent of some trashed Pepsi bottle wrapper she picked up off the street and claimed it as her own.
I too have a unique last name and I hyphenated it! Don’t let him take your name from you.
These “non negotiables” just sound like he’s threatening to leave you if you don’t bend to his will on whatever he decides is important. Let’s take the name issue for example. Imagine one of your friends is in a happy relationship and is pregnant. She has a name she likes for the baby, and tells you she’s told her loving partner that if he doesn’t accept that their son will be called the name she has chosen, she will leave him and he’ll have no part of her or the baby’s life. Would that sound reasonable to you? Or incredibly controlling and an abuse of her power in that situation?
How about if you had a friend who told you she’s just had her book accepted for publication, and her partner has told her he will leave her if she accepts because he “doesn’t want to be with someone who is a public figure”. What would you think of that friend’s partner? Would you tell her to obey him or tell him to fuck off and accept the deal?
And what other non negotiables will he blackmail you with in future and threaten to leave over?
When I first met my husband I told him I wouldnt take anyone’s last name. He was fine with that. If he wasn’t? I wouldn’t have married him.
Now, I did end up taking his last name. I would prefer to identify with his family over mine & because his last name is more popular I feel like I’m harder to find online which I like! But he would have been equally as happy if I never changed it. He never pressured me in any way about it
I’m curious, what were *your* non-negotiables?
Because I’m trying to imagine what I’d be saying if I were asked. Probably things like “I would never date a firefighter/policeman” and “no smokers”.
But then I obviously would never date a firefighter who smokes, and then say “yeah, but I’ll never MARRY you unless you give up these two things that I knew were true about you right from the beginning.”
When you find the right partner youll wonder why you stayed with this one so long and be thankful you left. Its not supposed to be this hard.
i mean: he told you his nonnegotiables.
If you don’t want that, and they are non negotiable, leave.
They aren’t going to change over time.
Just communicate, tell him your nonnegotiables conflict with his, explain why and then leave if they are non negotiatables to
you
Oof, I think you should negotiate yourself out of this relationship. His views are super outdated and sound very controlling. Go find someone who won’t try and diminish you or your contributions to the relationship.
Your last sentence makes no sense. He would find someone else if you don’t conform. He does not love you.
It sounds like you are incompatible if these are truly his non-negotiables.
These are not nonnegotiables. They’re ultimatums! These are “requirements” for your behavior and identity in order to qualify for marriage! His list is unfair and controlling. He already knew a lot of these things were important to you and he’s dismissing that.
The next time you guys go to therapy, consider saying something like, “All four of these things in some way require me to change or restrict major parts of my identity, career, or autonomy. I need help understanding if this relationship will allow for equal decision making.” (A good therapist will pick up on the issues immediately!) Good luck, OP.
Look, he’s allowed to say that he wants his future spouse to have his last name. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, leave. I am married and taking my husband’s name was never on the table. He didn’t care and I wouldn’t want to marry someone who DID care.
All of that is to say that your bf is well within his rights to have a preference and what that says about him and his beliefs and if you are both compatible, well that’s for you to decide.
He stated that those things are not negotiable. You can’t talk him out of them. He is being a coward by stating non-negotiables that are opposite to what you want in life. It sounds like he wants to break up but make you out to be the “bad guy.” If those had been non-negotiable from the beginning, he knew you weren’t compatible and stayed with you anyway. He may have thought he could “change” you, but that isn’t who you are. Wanting to change you is controlling. He should find someone who already wants what he wants, not try to force you into an unhappy and unfulfilled relationship.
Just end it. Keep going to individual therapy. He is not compatible with you. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but he wants you to be someone you’re not. Find someone who wants what you want.
It sounds as though he sees a wife as an extension of himself. If you are ok being subsumed into him, continue the relationship. If not, well. I don’t think his expectations are going lessen over time.
1.) oh hell no brother. Sorry, we’re out the door on this one. Unless he wants to take your last name, Sis, he can settle for hyphenating. What, he has strong feelings on giving up his last name? Maybe he should practice flexing that empathy muscle, work on strengthening it. Especially if he wants to control children’s naming…
2.) Okay. I feel like this one isn’t unreasonable to ask, depending upon how frequent your current use is and how high you get. BUT other compromises can be made – one sober adult at all times, not ungodly stoned, do it out of the house, or not during baby’s first year or something, you know? AND that exact same stance should be held for him and alcohol. AND he wants date night and drink together? That’s a great time for sleepover with grandparents or trusted sitter/ friend to ensure someone sober is there at all times.
3.) I would discuss this one further. Especially if it’s tied into his fears of you being an absent mother. Does he expect you to be a SAHM? What does he define as a public figure? Some public figures don’t have jobs that run far past their 40 hours per week. Some folks with no real public facing rule work excessively ungodly hours. Does he count school board or principal as a public figure? You should really hash this out. If you volunteer a lot of hours with local charities, but aren’t very well known overall, is he cool with that or is that against what he wants?
Overall this is a red flag for me. There are folks that don’t like being in the spotlight. Public figures have kept family private before. How much do you know about Dolly Parton’s husband? Not much I bet. That’s the point. He wanted privacy and she’s been good on helping keep him out of the spotlight in spite of her massive fame. He’s been cool with her being in public.
4. The Jr thing. I’ve known a few families that have passed on a family name. Everyone’s first name is John Russel Deer goes by JR or Russel. His signature is J Russel Deer. Literally no one calls him John. (My grandfather was like this. A close friend’s husband and kid are like this- friends of ours didn’t even know her kid’s and husband’s real first names. Husband doesn’t even use the initial. Instead of being JR Deer, he’s like RK Deer. The J for John? He doesn’t even use it. I watch a kid at daycare that’s like this too. Has the family first name, nobody uses it. Not the first kid I’ve had like this at daycare either.)
So, if your bf could live with that, and you could too, then that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker *for me.* But that’s a question you’d both have to answer honestly. And I honestly doubt he’s going to answer honestly. Why? Because he’s known how you’ve felt for ages, kept dating you, and withheld his feelings (maybe hoping you’d change once married.)
5.) I just don’t trust him, Sis. I see more red flags than green. I see incompatibilities that you aren’t working through. Run, girl, run. You’re too young to waste your life with him when you could find someone better that isn’t going to try to control you and bend you to his will
So do you have non negotiable too or you just accept him the way he is.
I wouldn’t change myself for a man unless they were character flaws which I should work on for the good of humanity anyway. You’re not compatible and its best to end it now.
You’re far too young and early in your relationships to have to adhere to this many rules. Your future could lead to someone less strict and controlling.
Your boyfriend: Things are going to be my way, screw your wants.
uummm why are you dating this giant douchebag? Honestly this whole post gives me the ick.
I was also out at number one. I would not EVER marry someone who was that intent on erasing my identity. #3 is an identity-erasure as well. He’s trying to get you to not publish.
Also, “he worries about me being an absent mother due to your ambitions?” Um. Uh. That’s like, a red flag the size of California.
He doesn’t really love you. He loves the idea of you. You just happen to fit that idea right now. I would back away very, very quickly.
Some of his non-negotiables are very strange and in some ways superfluous.
I’m going to skip to the meat of the subject and come out and say it directly. Your bf is immature. Instead of worrying about stuff like this or things that may not even happen (like you becoming a public figure for example), why doesn’t he worry about actual real life issues related to finances, education, location, you know, things that *actually* matter in a marriage and long-term relationship with a partner who plans on having children with you.
Like wtf.
Would be so curious for you to bring this up in your next session if you plan on attending at all. Maybe I’m the odd one out here but my bf is 30 and is worrying about actual things like investing into real estate, me finding a job in another city during his fellowship, timeline for kids and whether it aligns with our financial goals. The only thing I could give your bf any credence on is the smoking thing. I mean, to some people it’s important not to do anything recreationally at all (including drinking). But to me it’s fair that if he doesn’t want you to smoke, you should be permitted to say “I don’t want you to drink”.
He doesn’t want a partner, he wants an incubator.