Bit of an obvious question, but curious how / if what you look for / try to stay away from has changed in your 30s vs when you were younger.
I've noticed that I've relaxed on a few things that were dealbreakers in the past, but have become adamant about other things I didn't care about previously.
32 comments
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [How have your green / red flags changed in your 30s?](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1pbwk5m/how_have_your_green_red_flags_changed_in_your_30s/)
**Author:** /u/Brown_90s_Bear
**Full text:** Bit of an obvious question, but curious how / if what you look for / try to stay away from has changed in your 30s vs when you were younger.
I’ve noticed that I’ve relaxed on a few things that were dealbreakers in the past, but have become adamant about other things I didn’t care about previously.
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36m. I have learned to respect people with different beliefs and there are many parts of thoughtfully practiced religious customs and theology I now think are interesting and valuable. My tolerance for religious belief has increased but my tolerance for astrology decreased. I just can’t see anything positive about astrology.
They’re mostly the same. The difference is that now, if the total is tied, red wins. Green used to win.
* Interests ≠ values
* Actions > words
* Vulnerability and communication > relying on expectation and mind-reading
No brainer when I say it now, but I only date men I’m sexually attracted to, even if I’m rarely sexually attracted to people (I’m probably on the ace spectrum, though not entirely ace. It’s not something I’ve really questioned too much, because I can’t change it). I used to date more broadly because the men I dated had great qualities and our personalities clicked and our lifestyles were compatible. It seemed shallow to eliminate someone based on their appearance. Unsurprisingly, our relationships ended due to lack of sex, because shocker, I didn’t feel interested in sex with someone I wasn’t attracted to. So now even if someone is a great fit for me (of which there are many men), I won’t date them unless I’m attracted to them (of which there are very few men).
Luckily, I met and fell in love with a guy that I think is the hottest guy in the world, and I can’t keep my hands off him.
Anyway, y’all, learn from my mistakes and date people you’re attracted to. 🤦🏻♀️ Don’t get caught up on whether it’s shallow. Just be a good person, and care about them enough to let them go and find someone who actually physically and sexually appreciates them.
The green flags haven’t really changed, I’ve always known what I wanted.
The red flags, however, have slowly changed. I’ve had a lot of experiences dealing with people’s exes before even attempting to date them, so I tend to stay away from Divorcees & single parents.
Mine are the same.
They never change
I don’t do the red flag vs green flag thing, once I found out people also had shit like pink flags and beige flags and yellow flags, on and on it went. Just throw the damn flags away ffs.
I am now not as boy crazy as I once was and don’t really care if he “picks me” but rather if I like him and like myself when I’m with them. I’m proud of this shift in thinking (and somewhat embarrassed it took me as long as I did).
I did not care about red flags (or I didn’t pick up on them? In my 20s). It went as well as you can imagine it would.
Now I would say I’m hyper vigilant about red flags especially if it seems they may have anger issues.
Lifestyle things I don’t care as much as about as long as we have some overlapping hobbies. Spending time with my extended family is important to me so someone that can be comfortable with the activities my family does is important too. (My parents live on a lake…we go boating/swimming. I once dated a guy with a phobia of swimming and boats….doesnt work well).
Overall, I’m less impulsive/anxious about finding a long term partner. And more excited to date and get to know people in my 30s. If we last for 3 weeks or 30 years, I am here for it if it’s the right fit. Younger me would be dying that I don’t have a partner and although I’m sad about that sometimes, I want the best partner for me so I’m willing to wait and take things slowly
Values around sex, intimacy and love in general are not going to change, especially at our age. If our values don’t align on those things then it’s not going to work.
My biggest change was my philosophy and approach to dating. I used to date a lot of “broken” girls, girls with mental health issues, unstable lives, etc. Had to learn the hard way that “I can’t fix her”, got hurt a lot despite my best intentions. My dating motto now is “I’m not looking for anything in a partner that I cannot give in return”.
No longer a pick me
If he doesnt reflect back interest as im interested in him I just leave it.
I know more red flags now so can identify them easier.
I’ve studied red pill and pua, black pill and incels so can quickly weed them out (they are never subtle). I actually seriously recommend all women doing this. Go on red pill forums, go to incel forums and read the things they write. Apart from absolutely destroying any faith in men you might have left, it will enlighten you to the “tricks” they try to use to manipulate you.
Anyone who is trying to be edgy or thinks they are special and different in their 30s is probably a red flag. Sure, everyone is unique and special in your own way but no one is really better than anyone else for their beliefs or chosen life.
I hesitate to say it but failure to have any long term relationships before your 30s could be a red flag. As well as not having close friendships or decent community involvement bar extenuating circumstances. It points to antisocial personality or inability to get along with others.
I’m 37 and I think my biggest red flag change is the experience of a long term relationship. I use to not care/ it wasn’t common. I was in a LTR in my 20s. But now I have lots of questions if you haven’t been in relationship for more than 3 years.
My green flag change is probably the ability to try new changes. The older I get, the more it requires effort to have fun, and do new things and I want someone who can I have adventures with. Less of a priority when I was younger.
I think the flags have generally stayed the same. But I think I excused what I considered red flags a lot more even just a few years ago. For example, low effort is still a red flag for me, but I used to put up with it with the understanding women are bombarded with a lot of interest from guys, but also it may take someone time to warm up with a new person. Now I bail within the first couple messages of online dating if all the responses are “hey” “lol” “cool”
A few things I’ve learnt from earlier relationships including a failed marriage:
* Generally being far more pragmatic about what’s required for a relationship. Similar culture and upbringing often means you have shared experiences/values as a starting point. Similar earning potential helps with funding life in a high COL city and reducing stress because we’re not reliant on a single income. If you pick a partner who has mental health issues then it’s going to add more complexity.
* Date the person in front of you not their potential. If they’re lazy/angry/depressed/whatever now, don’t assume it’s gonna magically get better in 1 year’s time because it probably won’t.
* Date for everyday rather than a holiday. Essentially, it’s easy to enjoy time with someone if you’re on holidays, doing activities every day, and not worrying about work. However, for most of us 90% of our year will be spent working – so my focus is finding someone who makes that time much nicer.
* It’s important to pick someone you can work *with* rather than someone you have to work *against*, so being able to communicate well, disagree, and work through things is super important.
* And personally, I learnt I need a partner who prioritises the relationship. I know it’s controversial but my focus is always the relationship, so if I’m prioritising the relationship and the other person is prioritising themself – it’s a complete one way street.
I don’t know if what I consider a red/green flag has changed as much as the intensity of those flags has changed.
My green flags are all vibrantly green now; when I find someone I like, I *really* like them.
My red flags are a more muted red. They still show up on my radar, but at this stage of life everyone has some kind of baggage, so I’m more inquisitive about them and less quick to react. And even when they do turn out to be genuine red flags, I’m not that judgemental about it (for most things) and am a lot more “just not for me”
I think green flags for me are when someone is actually curious about you, not just asking questions because they heard on Reddit that women like it when you ask questions. And when they’re kind! Like that non-perfomative kind where you can see it just comes naturally to be empathetic.
My red flags are now:
1) lack of respect – like, sometimes it’s obvious, but even teasing me before knowing what’s fair game and what’s off-limits can be a warning sign
2) lack of boundaries – when I’ve told someone “no” and they think they can convince me otherwise, that’s unacceptable
3) judgement – I’m quite a late bloomer in several ways, especially in my career and have suffered a lot from anxiety in the past. I judge myself HORRIBLY for it and I don’t want a partner to add to that. I want someone who can accept me.
In my 20s, I’d give pretty much anyone a chance. I believed the best in people, and that is why respect and boundaries are so important. When someone has abused those, you are fully aware of what the early stages look like.
I dont think they’ve really changed at all. Well, i’m not sure i could even tell you what my green/red flags are. They definitely exist, im sure, just not sure how to put them into actual words.
How do you all know what yours are so easily?
Used to go for feelings that instantly bring satisfaction (sex obviously one of them).
Now going for people who are interested about growing through life and appreciate this process in the other person aswell. Also who take accountability for their own lives and don’t expect others to do so for them. This brings me peace to know that in a longlasting relationships they might see crisises more as growth opportunities than straight indicators of incompatibility which creates more safety for commitment (atleast for me)
The biggest change is how I approach availability — I no longer stick around talking to someone if they’re perpetually too busy or too depressed to properly engage with me. In general, I used to prioritise making people feel safe, and eventually realised I was just making it easier for people who weren’t into me anyway to stall making that decision.
Nowadays, I have a hard rule that if you can’t make yourself available for a date within two weeks of being asked, or you have to reschedule more than once (regardless of the reason, or of how much notice is given), I’m not interested anymore. Even if it’s a genuine emergency, the odds that you happened to have an emergency right as we started dating are much lower than the odds that you just have a lot of emergencies.
Noticing and listing the red flags isn’t good enough. I had to learn to walk away early on.
The biggest one for me is “am I afraid of him?”as soon as the answer is yes for any reason, I am out.
Yes, education is not correlated to rationality.
Absolutely a lot!
Emotional intelligence, communication/conflict repair skills, honesty & integrity rank top for me. Chemistry charm excitement creativity romance all still matter to me, but I move more slowly and let trust build slower than before. And try and communicate stuff that probably felt obvious to me, here for more direct honesty and not overly compromising
Someone being in a band doesn’t hit the way it used to. These days, it makes me suspicious that that person has a big insecure ego.
My ex absolutely cherished me and adored me and really actively put a ton of energy into my happiness (as did I). We were very peaceful and happy together and averaged about a fight a year lol. This needs to be standard now. It’s exhausting being with people who don’t fully see or appreciate you or want to be there 100%.
Must be emotionally intelligent and self aware
Humor is essential
Yes on sexual attraction, rather than meh
Deep intellectual stimulation
Red flags: emotionally unhinged, insecure, selfish, cruel to me or others / about them, has bad values, love bombs, no integrity, doesn’t feel peaceful when I’m around them, doesn’t care about their health and well-being and take responsibility for it
I can happily be single forever so it’s easy to walk around compared to my 20s when I felt I needed love or another person more
Married now, but I noticed as I was dating how important financially responsible behavior really is! Didn’t need to be rich, but not having a plan and reasonable goals became an absolute no-go by the time I turned 30.
I’m currently seeing someone who lives with his parents because his dad has dementia. He helps his elderly mom with the caregiving for his dad. When I was in my late 20s and early 30s this would be a yellow flag. Now, it’s a green flag. He talks about cooking dinner or mowing their lawn and that’s an uber green flag.
Being fiscally responsible is more important than a prestigious job.
The wording of your post is interesting and I’ve said this before on here but dealbreakers are NOT always red flags. For example, man with a kid? Not a red flag. BUT back when I was still actively dating, it would have been a dealbreaker for me.
The red flags are the same but I am a lot better at reacting to them and bailing early.
Newer green flag: a man who prepares and plans
I personally found people who had significant college debt, high spending, and mental health issues to be a red flag.
However, I’m married to a wonderful woman with all those in my 30s. I realized what matters is if they take responsibility for their actions. This green flag matters more than appearance or any other concerns.