I think this is more of a vent than anything, I know most will say to just leave- which I understand is probably the most rational thing to do. I guess I’m just curious if other women have ever found themselves in a similar situation, and what you ended up deciding to do.
For some background context, my partner is one of the kindest people I know- he would never do anything to hurt me, and I would never have to question his loyalty in our relationship- and in this day and age, I think these things are difficult to come by.
But my god, I have found myself so very bored these last couple of years.
I kept thinking, that maybe it was just all in my head. That once you become comfortable enough with a person and know them for long enough- things can get boring. When we go for car rides, lay in bed before falling asleep at night, sitting in a restaurant.. he’s just.. mute. Like there’s no thoughts in his head he could possibly pull out to form some sort of mental stimulation for conversation. I feel like I always have to be the one to bring any sort of excitement into the relationship.
His muteness seems to almost have hindered my own social skills in a way, I find myself much more reserved and insecure than I was even a few years ago.
Every single step forward we’ve accomplished in our relationship, is because of things I’ve pushed for and done myself. Shit, we would still be living in my parents basement if I hadn’t gone out and found us a house and Reno’d entirely myself.
We would never travel, which is one of my favourite things in the world , if I didn’t beg and plead for him to try to take time off work and organize the entire thing (and pay for 50% or more of the trip..)
6 years in and still no talks of marriage. Which I find almost ironic considering this is the one thing he would truly have to muster up the motivation to do on his own, I can’t make him.
My sex drive is completely gone, and at this point he feels like a roommate. The unfortunate thing is I don’t think he suspects a thing.
Why are men so comfortable being in such boring relationships and wasting women’s youths away in such a mundane way?
I want to be mentally stimulated, have those moments of excitement even after a few years have gone by. Someone who enjoys and values the same things I do, has some sense of wonder for the world.
I just feel like this attachment still lingers, and the thought of never speaking again or him being in my life at all is also scary.
And yes, I have spoken to him about these things. No I did not tell him I find him boring. As for the house situation, we were pretty much forced into it as we could no longer keep living with my parents. I went out and found us a solution. It’s now a year since and I still feel unhappy.
I bring up working or finishing my education in another country, he’s not interested. I want to do more than one trip a year, not interested. I want us to take up new hobbies and maybe try more social outings to meet new people, he couldn’t be bothered. Every year I think this will be the year we finally spend a winter working in Australia- he’s never ready.
Would rather lay in bed everyday after work and do the same thing every single night.
The first time we went on a date in the last 3 years was yesterday, because I started the car and told him I was going to the movies.
TL;DR
45 comments
I think you’ve been running the whole relationship on your own while he just coasts. If you’re bored, losing your drive, and doing all the work, that’s not comfort, that’s a mismatch. Lots of women leave situations like this and end up way happier. You don’t have to settle for roommate vibes.
Sounds like a nice, dull man. He’s not the only decent dude in the world. It’s up to you if that’s enough
Honestly, your situation sounds rough but way too common. Six years and you’re basically roommates? That’s a big red flag. It’s wild how some people just settle into “meh” mode and expect the other to keep the relationship alive solo. You deserve someone who’s hyped about life and *wants* to build with you, not someone who needs to be dragged kicking and screaming to do the bare minimum. Maybe it’s time to ask yourself if you want comfort or excitement and neither is wrong, but don’t waste your youth waiting on someone who’s checked out.
Have you spoken to him about it.
You have been with him for 6 years. You’re supposed to communicate with your partner your feelings all the time or how can you both be on the same page.
Therapy for the both of you would be a good thing.
You’re asking if it’s worth leaving him for being boring because at least he’s loyal. Is he only loyal because he has no motivation to do anything or go anywhere? What’s the benefit of being in this relationship vs. being single? You say he’s kind, in what ways? Because it kind of sounds like he doesn’t say or do much of anything.
Did he change at some point, or did you realize you two don’t actually share a connection and maybe never have? Is this what you actually want for your future? It doesn’t sound like it.
Doesn’t he deserve someone who loves him fully for who he is? Don’t you both deserve that?
Yeah, he’s not gonna suddenly switch gears. And if you’re already feeling like this now it’s only gonna get worse, and turn to resentment, then turn toxic.
You don’t want to leave him though, because if you want that and are waiting for reddit to give you permission, I redditman984749 give it to you right there.
But that’s not what you want, you want to make it works, now, do you want to make it work because you’ve worked so hard for this relationship to last, or are you fighting because you love him despite all this and really can’t see yourself with someone else.
(I think you’re more of an option A gal)
You’re talking about a wedding, do you want to marry him right now or do you want to check the mark on your bucket list? Also, while you’re feeling like this, children are a no go (just in case), neither marriage or a child will make the change you want appear.
Communication is hard, you know what I would do, if you can’t find the words to tell him, I would honestly show him this post, and if you can’t for any reason, put it on word, change the receiver to him and voilà, clear, if direct communication!
Sadly you can’t change people too much, maybe the life you want isn’t the one he wants, lack of intimacy is often a symptom of a dying relationship anyway.
Good luck!
You are doing everything for him. All the thinking. All the decision making, planning, paying. He doesn’t have to do anything. You have been happy doing it all because you’ve not had to compromise and that’s why you stay. After a while it gets boring. Once you realize that being the one to do all the work is boring, it’s time to go.
>Why are men so comfortable being in such boring relationships and wasting women’s youths away in such a mundane way?
respectfully, you’re the one that’s bored and not doing anything about it. his standards for excitement may be low, but maybe that’s just how he’s wired and is why he doesn’t think anything is wrong.
just like with the proposal being something you can’t help him with, you being bored with him isn’t something he can help you with, unless you want him to be a different person, which is kind of toxic.
you’re the one that’s comfortable and wasting your youth, the stuff you’re blaming him for is your responsibility
That’s rough but was he not like this from the start?
You are very valid in your feeling but why are expecting him to change? Unless he was completely different person when you first met then that’s a different story.
But if he’s always been like this what were you expecting to happen? Perhaps you projected your idea of him on to him rather than seeing him for who he really is.
You aren’t compatible. Being in a mentally Un stimulating relationship is hell. You literally feel like you’re in a cage.
One of the aspects of being in a relationship is that you actually are supposed to like who you are around that person.
Do you like who you are with him? If the answer is no. Maybe worth checking out.
Alternatively, have you communicated any of this to him?
girl been there done that, maybe if you leave he will change but again it’s up to you, you could always go to couples theraphy
Was he always like this? You just bought a place with him… you said you’ve been feeling this for a while, so maybe this is more on you. He was already this guy, and you’re expecting him to change. And you are thinking about marriage??
You only have 1 life to live. It’s your responsibility to live that life to the fullest. Imagine it’s only been 6 years and it’s this boring, now thinking about being in the same situation for 10 more years, 20?,30? and it’s still the way it is. Don’t let that fear of not having him in your life forever hinder you from the life you could possibly have especially in regard to your romantic and social relationships. You can’t build your life around him if you’re constantly the one pouring into him and the relationship. You’ll end up drained and resenting him. The earlier you get out, the better. Think about it. What do you prefer? Staying attached to him and dating him still with your current situation ot simply just packing your bags and leaving knowing there’s a chance you’ll find what you want out there? Attachment can always be broken even if it takes time, if he’s been like this for 6 years, that man will not change. It’s literally part of who he is at his core.
It’s not going to get better. You should still talk to him about it, but even then it’s not going to get better. It sounds like a fundamental incompatibility, your expectations to how a relationship is are completely different. It’s not even about the engaging conversations but the effort put into the relationship and the interest in life in general – would he even travel if he were on his own?
Now it’s been years without discussing these expectations, resentment has grown. It’s a learning opportunity for you as well to figure out how not to be in the same spot 6 years into your next relationship. It starts with mapping what you expect from a relationship and choosing your partner based on that, not on what could be. But it also includes things like resolving issues when they occur instead of growing resentment.
Good luck.
>Why are men so comfortable being in such boring relationships and wasting women’s youths away in such a mundane way?
A lot of guys find themselves in a situation where “good enough” suffices as a substitute for happiness or fulfillment.
I had a buddy I met in college. He was still with his high school girlfriend. And was with her all throughout college and beyond. They lived together, had pets, and just sort of plateau’d there. Eventually she started hinting REALLY hard at group hangouts how frustrated she was that he wouldn’t marry her. It was really awkward. They never seemed miserable, but they also didn’t really seem like two people who actually loved and respected one another.
Eventually she just got sick of his shit and had an affair with one of the contractors for their house. They broke up immediately. Was this a failing on her part? Sure. Could everyone see her frustration and resentment building and building over years and years until she fell into a toxic mindset that led to that huge mistake? Also sure. I’m not justifying what she did, but this was a fairly obvious slow motion accident we all watched happen.
Anyway. A few months after the breakup he met someone else. They were married a year later. Turns out he wasn’t allergic to marriage after all. He just didn’t want to marry his longtime girlfriend.
I think you’ve outgrown this relationship. You don’t need our permission to find a better match.
I don’t think he is satisfied in the boring relationship! Are you are very bossy person? Has he come up with any ideas and you turned him down ? Try to communicate with him before it’s too late.
Hope you will work out soon.
You’re waisting your own time here unless you’ve communicated how you feel.
He sounds like a dead end. But you can travel, you can have fun, invite him but if he says no then go by yourself or with a friend/family. Just because u are in a relationship doesn’t mean u have to be boring like him
You know the man doesn’t have to ask you to marry him. Why don’t you ask him?
I have the impression that the problem is you, he doesn’t seem to have changed, what is happening is that you imagined a future and discovered another, you could talk openly about this subject with him, but you prefer to ask strangers, as if someone here has the answer that only you can find, personally I think you are having difficulty accepting reality, life is often not how you would like it to be, and everything is fine, not everything goes as expected, you have someone special in your life, but you prefer to take risks in the world just to have excitement, I don’t think the Whatever the problem, you seem to be going through an age crisis, I advise you to do analysis before making any decision about the relationship, in addition to talking to your boyfriend.
Just to play devil’s advocate here…
You do realise that an unfortunately high percentage of men just bottle everything up right? Even the weird little happy goofy thoughts. He might have a million things racing through his head, he might have a thousand things he wants to talk to you about, but we’re socialised to not do it. We’re taught from a young age to not be a burden, it’s romanticised from a young age that we’re supposed to be strong and silent. We read horror stories that we open up to our partner and then they “get the ick ” because we expressed interest in something that they thought was silly. So we just don’t say anything. That guy could be suffocating under mountains of trauma that have taught him in his life to just shut the fuck up and not say anything or do anything because it’ll end in rejection.
You could be in a relationship with someone that’s absolutely dull as dishwater and thick as fuck, I don’t know the dude…. BUT…maybe you need to just say something instead of coming on here, trying to get people to talk you into doing something that you’ve already decided to do.
The resentment has built… its over
What are the reasons you feeling disappointed….you need to make this more clearer and 6yrs a a very long year okay.
Sounds like your problem not his – this sentence says it all
‘Why are men so comfortable being in such boring relationships and wasting women’s youths away in such a mundane way?’
You have wasted your own time in this relationship not him, you have agency over your own life and obviously can’t stand how decisions you have made have turned out and are now blaming it on him when you clearly cannot or will not communicate.
Sorry if this is harsh, but honestly, I dont think he is the problem here. There is nothing wrong with living in a peaceful, simple, habitual, low drama way. Rather, I think its more likely you are just unsatisfied with your own life, and are blaming him for it. But its not his responsibility to give you novelty and excitement. Its yours.
Maybe the best thing then would be to leave. So that both he can find someone that would appreciate him for the way he is, and you can find what you are looking for in life.
You say you dont want to hurt him, but if he read your unfiltered thoughts here, would he really feel like you are doing him a favor or are being kind to him? Staying with someone you clearly resent out of inertia, while feeling like he is wasting your time?
I dont think he is the one wasting time here.
>the thought of never speaking again
You just made a whole post about how he doesn’t speak and is slowly eroding your ability to.
Your attachment to this relationship is going to make you so much less.
I read this and thought “this is reddit they will all think this is fine and blame her.”
You might have to find the excitement in other things in your life . (and I don’t mean cheating!)
Travel alone, hobby’s, sports, friends… enjoy the comfort of going home after All this excitement to your loyal and lovely husband and have something to talk About
Alright, i hope u read this or maybe im the one venting here!🤣
Im in a 2yr relationship or should i say i was with my girlfriend but since a year ago we had to face challenges that happened in her life together, thing is she doesnt think i was supportive enough for her in those conditions and couple of issues later i wasnt listening to her anymore about these problems because even tho i would be open to apologize and would done it plenty of times, she wouldnt put the issue to rest, so each time we face any issues she would bring back the stories of first issue to the last!
So we were both tired and just spending time would feel good, but there were things she wanted me to change about me that i wasnt listening, even tho it would make me a better person in general! So after couple of fights we both hit the dead end.
we broke up couple days ago, but since that day smoke cleared out for me between us! Since then i could actually see why she was upset, long story short i called her and we spoke so much, i told her im ready to fix things on my behalf, she was kind to say shes open to it but only with couple therapy, so i suggest you to speak to him VERY clearly, but before that you need to make up your mind, either you gonna tell him straight up that if we cant be happy together im gonna leave, and you do if he does nothing, or you gonna see changes little by little from him if he accepts it. Good luck, remember you not wrong for wanting to live life but always communicate.
It’s quite simple: you’re incompatible and want different things in life. Break up. You can do all those things on your own and maybe along the way meet someone who is a better match.
If you want do do more stuff…. Go out and do it. Why does he have to travel with you? Take up these hobbies with you? If YOU want them then do them.
Ask him if he wants to join you- if he doesn’t then do it yourself.
It’s up to him whether he stays in the rut or joins you in living.
His choice needn’t be yours.
> the thought of never speaking again or him being in my life at all is also scary.
And the thought of never doing all the things you wanted to do and instead spending your years with someone you’ve already decided is boring isn’t?
> Why are men so comfortable being in such boring relationships and wasting women’s youths away in such a mundane way?
YOU are the one who’s staying.
As far as I can tell, he’s happy with the relationship exactly as it is. If you don’t want this relationship, *you* been to make the changes.
Break up, sell the house, stop waiting for someone to change your life for you.
He doesn’t sound like he really loves you….he’s comfortable with you and I don’t think he’s right for you at all. You’ve already communicated to him and I think you should leave asap. He knows you wanted marriage and it’s been 6 years? That’s crazy. But even crazier he sounds like he’s done nothing at all. What a non-partner. You sound like roommates who have boring sex and that’s it. You’re not meant to be. He’s dull and you have passion.
Commenting so I can read this later
I feel exactly the same in my relationship op, in the exact same situation and I could’ve typed this out myself
Your spark is being muffled out being with this man…yes he’s kind but he is hurting this relationship even if it’s not intentional. You want marriage, then bring it up although I would seriously reconsider if he ultimately isn’t the right person for you. That needs to be addressed first and foremost; if you know yall not compatible then why are you wasting all this time and energy into this only to end up so miserable. Use it only funding someone right for you. You want change, you have to fight for it. It is very important that your values align; if he is not your person then he is holding you back from happiness. You have to decide if you rather potentially be single and happy, or be with him and unhappy, or open up the relationship (?). Doing whatever you’re doing now is clearly getting you nowhere. He needs to understand the risks of losing you-and if nothing improves you have to cut your losses asap
I’m getting strong “my way or the highway” vibes from your post. You say you “do everything,” but it sounds like things only count when they’re done your way, on your timeline, at your pace. Given how critical you are of him, that feels believable.
Was he more involved earlier on? Did any of his ideas ever get traction? You call him boring, but I’m hearing someone who’s shut down—maybe depressed, maybe defeated. People stop participating when they learn their wants don’t matter. It’s easier to go along than to fight for space.
Whatever the case, nothing you’ve written sounds like love. It’s okay to leave when you’re unhappy, but be honest about it: every “happy” thing you’ve described is external stimulation. If you rely on constant motion to feel fulfilled, that feeling will always fade; and quicker each time—with diminishing returns.
This sounds like I wrote it.. ended the relationship after 5.5 years and honestly, it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Can you give us an update after you break up with him
You shouldn’t marry someone that keeps you on your toes but is consistent and loyal.
If this is going to work you need to find a compromise.
I really wonder how did you even fell in love with him in the first place.
Was he always like this? Because 6 years is a long time and you’re posting about this problem now.
Also… are you guys like… RICH? Who is the breadwinner in your relationship?
Everything you’re asking for is expensive and you guys just bought a house, so congrats!
But why are you asking about multiple traveling trips per year and new hobbies after just buying a house? Maybe you’re putting your boyfriend on a tight spot economically and hes shutting down. Food for thought.
Look, I think what your relationship needs is more emotion and you can initiate that yourself and see how he responds. Dead bedroom? Initiate. Buy tickets to some place far away and tell him it is a non-negotiable, if he ain’t coming you’re going alone. Be cheeky with him. Be pushy and tell him straight. You gotta move yourself and make him see that you’re moving alone. You have agency and autonomy. If he isn’t responding well then, I guess maybe you choose if the relationship has ran it’s course.
A lot of men are creatures of habit and can be happy with little. Thats not a bad thing and you need to understand that. However, what can you do? What can you do to make yourself happy?
Don’t expect people to take care of your happiness. If hes happy as things are now thats on him. But you want to be happy and you will be happy with or without him and if you make that clear and he really loves you, I think that should make him put on his big boy pants on and get on business.
I also think you aren’t really communicating it properly. “I told him.” Ok but how did you told him? Was there any sort of urgency? Ultimatum? Plead? Because the tone of certain communications of this nature are really important.
Look, from everything I read, your relationship is salvageable. Good luck.
Yes, you should take the onus on entertaining yourself. But its telling he doesn’t share the same initiative as you. You have to decide if this is the lifestyle you want for the rest of your life. A relationship which is just good enough.
I could’ve written this post – I’m in a similar relationship with my boyfriend. The thing is, I’m a pretty boring person when compared to my friends, but I feel like a stick of dynamite compared to him, haha.
I’ve also thought about leaving on multiple occasions for various reasons, but we’re still together at the moment and I can say that at least right now, I’m pretty happy. He’s very kind, sweet and safe and cares about me a lot. I can talk to him about anything.
The fact that I have to initiate all the “fun” things like serious discussion topics, travel, dates, celebrations etc, is something that still bothers me; more on some days, less on others. I think it’s valid to be bothered by it, it’s hard to carry all the metal labour and it sometimes makes me feel neglected. That being said, when I organize something for us, he partakes without any complaint and later reminisces about it very positively.
I’ve realised that there’s a positive side to this – because all the planning and decisionmaking is left to me, I get to choose only the experiences I actually want to have. I have a friend who’s very active and often invites me to activities I don’t want to partake in. I’ve had to tell her no countless times and it’s built up some resentment on her part. I think she sees me as the same wet sandwich that you see your boyfriend being.
We also dealt with some bedroom issues for similar reasons as you, and I think the best way to reignite things is to request him to pursue you more. Ask him to do something special with the promise that you won’t turn him down (if that sounds good to you), if he knows there’s no fear of rejection, it can lead to a much more deliberate foreplay from him, which can help tremendously. At least for me, I felt my sex drive slipping away because if I didn’t initiate, nothing would happen at all, so forcing him into the dominant role helped.
Overall, I think there’s a point to what some of the other commenters are saying. They’re being too harsh considering that you’re hurt by the situation and reaching out for connection and advice, but it’s true that if he’s happy in the relationship and simply existing in his comfort zone, it’s up to you to deal with your unhappiness. In a way, you deserve what you’re willing to tolerate – people don’t change drastically and if you’re feeling that you’re incompatible, you need to either act on that knowledge or accept that the rest of your life may look exactly the way it does now. Is that acceptable for you?
Not “men” in general, but Your boyfriend specifically.
Your post shows that he’s been disappointing you about many things for several years out of the 6 years, but you continued to stay, and now even got a house with him.
This may be a big lesson to learn but it was needed. There doesn’t have to be 100% compatibility but there should be happiness and respect for your partner. However, this is where your relationship is lacking.
I have a friend who is going through a similar situation — but it’s 8 years, and they just bought a house together. She told me he doesn’t love her the way she wants to be loved doesn’t stimulate/challenge her, she feels she’s always growing and learning and he doesn’t have the same drive. It’s the only serious relationship she’s been in, I do wonder if that’s part of it. It’s hard because their lives are so intertwined, their families the other person etc. it sounds like she knows she needs to end it but finds it difficult. It’s so odd because I would’ve never guessed they had issues, they seem like a great couple.
A long winded way of saying these things definitely do happen. I feel like if it was me, I would really lay it all out on the table and express everything you expressed here to him, and see if that changes anything. Best of luck.
I have an idea. It works. Just start working on yourself. When we live together we behave like roommates but when you go out treat him like a boyfriend. Send him pictures and ask his feedback. You should watch romantic dramas together.He will start noticing the change and may b it will change him too.