I (22F) am diagnosed autistic (Type 1) and ADHD, and I think that’s relevant because a lot of women like me seem to prefer communication that’s honest, direct, and without “games.” And I don’t mean blunt to the point of cruelty, I mean telling the truth with kindness, clarity, and good timing, instead of dancing around things.
But here’s the problem: whenever I’m getting to know someone romantically, I ask my friends (none of whom are autistic) for advice and the guidance I get almost always contradicts how I naturally communicate. They suggest things that feel vague, indirect, or like I’m supposed to “play it cool,” which frustrates me deeply.
Example (not the main point, but relevant)
I was talking to a 26M who lives in the same country as me but isn’t from here. He kept disappearing and then coming back, and I later found out it was because a family member back home was very sick, which severely affected his mental health.
But while this was happening, I didn’t know any of that. He’d just say things like, “something is wrong at home” or “I’ve been mentally overwhelmed,” and then vanish for long stretches. Even after returning, he sometimes ignored messages that are around that topic/otherwise make him uncomfortable. The latest example was when I asked:
“Do you think you’ll stay in (home country) or come back? Also, what have you been up to? :)”
He didn’t reply at all.
Regardless of the reason he didn’t explain things or didn’t answer, my natural instinct is to just ask directly, with kindness and at the right moment:
“I’d like to go out with you, either here, or once I move to (home country) soon. Do you want to go out with me or not?”
“Do you want to keep talking once you move back?”
Obviously, those aren't questions I'd ask when I think he's overwhelmed, but I'd wait for the right time because I am not trying to pressure him. In fact, when he’d disappear, I’d sometimes check in with something low-pressure like “Hope you’re doing okay! Tried (thing he’s good at) today and failed miserably lol,” just to lift his mood with zero expectation of a response.
But the general advice my friends game, as well as what I see online told me I was “too upfront,” that I should’ve stopped texting the moment he didn’t reply, and that being direct is a mistake since that's not how dating works (not necessarily because I'm going to scare someone off, but specifically because being this direct in dating even when the other person isn't "matching your energy" is a mistake)
And this is where everything breaks down for me.
Why does dating require indirectness?
I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to pretend I don’t care. I don’t want to match silence with silence.
I just want to say:
“Hey, I like you, want to go out?”
“Hey, I’m confused, can we clarify this?”
“Something feels off. Do you want to talk about it?”
I don't want to just never text again when he hasn't for a while even when he has hinted it's because of big unavoidable struggle, because if I apparently text him I'd be "chasing".
But whenever I try to be honest and straightforward, while still being respectful of the other person’s boundaries, I’m told it’s wrong. I’m told to just matches the energy they give me and never be more honest or direct, to be careful, to be guarded, to pull back. That if you text more than they do, more quickly than they do, that that is a big mistake. To me it feels like everyone is pretending not to care so they don’t get hurt first.
And honestly? It makes me cry from frustration. Why do social interactions have to be so complicated and indirect? Why does dating reward unclear communication instead of honest intentions? Why is the “correct” approach always something that feels like playing games, even if people say it’s not?
Extra context
I’ll soon be moving to the guy’s home country again, and I already speak the language. This post isn’t primarily about him, but I included the example because it illustrates my larger struggle. If people want to comment on that situation specifically, that’s fine too. However, this is not a post about whether he is interested (you may talk about that if you wish), nor is it a post abound this specific situation. It is also important to note, I'm not going to get hurt by this man, I do not have an emotional connection to him yet, it takes time for that to form, but I do care about him as a human being and I would, on paper, be conditionally interested in him, or better yet interested in "going on dates" with him.
What I really want to understand
Why is direct, honest communication seen as a bad thing in early dating?
Why do so many people insist on indirectness, even when there’s no reason to avoid clarity?
Why is “matching energy” considered safer for relationship success and finding a partner than simply asking a question?
I apologize for the really bad example, I don't think I've done a good enough job explaining exactly what the issue is but I hope it's enough to get my point across. I genuinely don’t understand it, and it’s overwhelming. If anyone can help me make sense of this, I’d really appreciate it.