I [37 F] and [42 M] (we can call him ED) boyfriend have been together for 3 years now. When we first became friends 5 years ago, I was going through a rough time. I had just got out of a relationship and didn't want another yet, even though he knew this he kept pushing me for it.
I not only didn't want to be with him because of the relationship I had just got out of, but also because of his past history that he went to prison for. In that two year gap of friends only I did wind up getting into a relationship with another guy. He broke it off it was pretty ugly. That is when Ed started sneaking his way into my life more as trying "to be friends, and supportive".
I was a pretty bad alcoholic before me and him ever met and after the last breakup I talked about, my drinking became even more increasingly bad and yes he knew this.
So one day Ed asks me for my phone number because he wanted to come over sometime, and check out a few games on my PlayStation 4, because he was thinking about getting one himself. Never not once did I get the impression he meant that very same day.
Later I get a phone call from him saying he was on his way over. I tried to tell him it was not a good idea because I was already drinking and pretty lit, I knew by the time he got there I was most likely going to be blacked out. He just kept telling me he didn't mind if I was drinking he just wanted to come over for a little bit. I had a feeling something more was going to happen that I didn't want to happen. I was right, I remember him coming onto me, he told me I came onto him.
After my bad break up, and him taking advantage of me being drunk, I clung to him as I felt I needed a friend to help me cope with my broken heart. I kept telling him I just wanted to be friends. Before I knew it he was mending my heart and we decided to take it a step further.
Things were going good for a couple months. We were always talking on the phone, texting each other even at work when we weren't supposed to be. Then a few months later he stopped calling and texting me during work, (except during breaks) I just kept telling myself oh it's just the honey moon phase is over. One of his favorite foods is holiday sausage he has bought some and took some to work with him. He let this woman at work try it and she liked it that's all good. How he told me she liked it was I gave so and so some of my sausage you know the one you "Really" love.
After that I felt like he was just using me, always wanting to take my car for long trips, like 3 hr trips one way. I was getting the feeling that he was detaching from me, even suggested we break up one time just because my son voiced that he did not like him.
Then I got pregnant and I felt like I didn't have a choice but to stay and I think he felt the same way, and still does. I have never forgiven him for the things he did or the way he made me feel in the beginning, and I don't think I can't ever move past it.
I guess I'm asking for advice do you feel I'm over reacting and crazy or do I have a reason to feel this way?
TL/DR I feel like my boyfriend is using me, in the beginning of our relationship he hurt me and I don't think I can get past it, if I haven't yet 3 years in. Should I stay with him? Or get out and live my life?