My long-distance girlfriend (34F) and I (33M) have been planning to move in together soon. We’ve had an on-and-off again relationship since 2021 and recently have reunited 6 months ago and have had a very wonderful experience. We’ve recently decided to do a 30-day trial of living together with our pets before moving in.
She has a 9-year-old male golden retriever, and I have a male cat who is under 2. The dog and cat have actually been getting along fine with no fighting, chasing, etc. The issue is my girlfriend’s experience of living with a cat.
She’s autistic and has previous trauma around bad pet integrations with past roommates. She also has very intense sensory issues and a long history of mental health struggles (chronic anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts). She has very little experience with cats and doesn’t naturally like them.
We’re not even halfway through the 30-day trial, and she’s already told me she can’t live with my cat. She says the cat “hates” her, that he’s “mean and judgmental,” and that she can’t handle the unpredictability of his movements, smells, noises, etc. She says she cannot relax in the house, doesn’t feel safe or hopeful about the future, and repeatedly tells me how much she dislikes being around my cat.
I’ve tried really hard to accommodate her. I set up a lidded litter box with unscented litter and deodorizer in a closed-off space. I scoop regularly and use a litter genie. She has an office/rec room that is completely off-limits to my cat as a “safe space.” A lot of the time, when she’s in the common areas, I put my cat in the bathroom so they don’t even have to interact.
Even with all of these adjustments, she says it’s still unlivable for her. She’s said things along the lines of wishing my cat wasn’t here and that she just can’t imagine the next 20yrs with him. I’m now at the point where I feel genuinely hurt and resentful about her stance and continuous comments. I love my cat and he was in my life before these plans. Rehoming him feels like a line I just can’t cross, especially when the trial isn’t even over and he isn’t actually causing behavior problems in the home.
Our relationship already involves a lot of managing crises and making accommodations for her mental health. I care about her and I take her trauma and sensory issues seriously, but I’m starting to feel like there’s no room for my own non-negotiables.
So my question is: has anyone dealt with a partner with serious trauma/sensory issues who truly feels they cannot live with your pet? Does her trauma history mean I “should” rehome my cat to make it work, or is this a fundamental incompatibility where it’s reasonable to choose to keep my pet and end the relationship?
TLDR: Long-distance girlfriend with autism and trauma around pet integration says she cannot live with my cat despite many accommodations. I’m not willing to rehome him. Is this an unfair stance on my part, or is this a sign that we’re simply not compatible for cohabitations?