I (28f) have been married for three years and with my husband (31m) for 4. My husband has never been emotionally available. I carried all of the emotional burdens and did all the emotional labor in my relationship. He is distant and avoidant. I don’t need to go into detail but the jist is that I have been emotionally isolated for years and after four years of trying to talk to him, begging him to be emotionally present, asking for the bare minimum emotionally, i am done. I do not love my husband anymore.
I have done so much personal growth over the past two years and I feel as if I am almost a different person. I stopped drinking, he drinks a lot. I want kids, he doesn’t. And things along those lines. I want to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel loved, and where I don’t have to beg to simply hold my hand.
I have told my husband that I want a divorce, that I am alone and sad. He doesn’t want to separate and has started to go to therapy and change and I see that he is trying. But I can’t force myself to care. We are also in couples therapy. It’s not making me feel anything. Sometimes I feel like I am broken.
On top of that, I have developed strong feelings for a coworker. Very real feelings. I love him. I believe these feelings made me realize how alone and sad I was in my marriage. I do not want to leave my husband for this other man, but I do want to be Happy and feel loved. I think I deserve that.
I am looking for advice from those who had been through a marriage that never emotionally took care of them. I want to leave but I am afraid I will never truly be happy. I don’t know if I will ever be happy if I’m in the marriage I’m in now.