I’m a 27M and my fiancée is 25F. We’ve been together for about six years. On paper we have a stable life, and she has always been loyal, kind, and consistent. There has been no cheating from either side. This isn’t a scandal-story, it’s a psychological one in my view.
Earlier this year she started her job as a doctor, which has basically taken over her entire life. She’s exhausted most days, overwhelmed, and constantly stressed. I don’t blame her for any of that. Medicine is demanding, and I can’t imagine what you see on a day to day and how you compartmentalise. But it means she hasn’t had much emotional capacity left for the relationship, and I’ve felt increasingly alone even while trying to support her.
We also relocated to a new city specifically for her job. I took a job here mostly so we could move together, and I honestly hate it. It’s been draining, isolating, and I don’t have a support system here. So both of us are tired, but in totally different ways. As an aside me taking the job was also off the back of a very strenuous exit from my previous job where I didn’t get much closure or resolution. But I loved the job so much, it made me feel important.
So now I feel like issue is me. Somewhere over the last year I’ve hit what feels like a full psychological collapse. It’s like my identity, sense of direction, and emotional stability all quietly deteriorated at the same time. I’ve been going through what my therapist described as a “quarter-life crisis combined with burnout, identity disruption, and attachment issues.” Her honest feedback was that I’m not in a place where I should be in any relationship right now, let alone an engagement.
My fiancée wants to try and work on things… but I don’t feel like I have anything left to give. I feel completely drained, hollow, and unable to be present. She’s not the problem, she’s a good person who has always tried in her own way, yet I can feel that I’m mentally shutting down and withdrawing. I’m constantly overwhelmed, dissociated, sad, and ashamed that I can’t seem to show up for her the way she deserves.
There was a complicating factor earlier this year: I briefly developed an emotional attachment to a coworker (F22). Nothing physical happened, but it shook me because it made me realize how unstable and emotionally depleted I’d become. It wasn’t really about her, it was more like she reflected back parts of myself I had lost. When the situation became messy, it collapsed completely and I’ve been trying to put distance there. It left me feeling ashamed, confused, and even more aware of how unwell I am.
I keep trying to convince myself to “push through,” but it feels like the more I push, the more I collapse internally. I’m not functioning well at work, I’m emotionally unstable, and I feel like I’m losing myself. I’m scared that if I stay, I’ll just end up hurting her more in the long run because I’m operating from a place of exhaustion rather than love.
We had a very deep heart to heart conversation last about two weeks ago where I told her I wasn’t happy and that I just am not myself anymore, I feel like I’m not the person that she was with even a year ago. I haven’t told her everything because I don’t want to break her heart (especially the part regarding the odd emotional entanglement), but the truth is I feel like I’m breaking down anyway. I’ve been in therapy for about 3 months now but still feel like I’m stuck in limbo with what to do.
So the way I see it is I’m stuck between two awful options:
A) stay and pretend I can keep functioning, even though internally I’m falling apart. Really try to white knuckle through this rough patch and keep calm and carry on.
B) end the engagement for mental-health reasons and risk hurting someone who didn’t deserve any of this
Is it valid to end a relationship not because the person did anything wrong, but because I am too mentally unwell and emotionally fragmented to show up?
Has anyone been in something similar?
Thank you.