TL;DR!- Is my relationship bad or can it be repaired. Can people change when they’ve constantly showed you the worst in them? Am I stupid?
We have been together two months shy of 4 years. I’ve always been the type to struggle to cut the cord when I need to, but I’m in therapy to help me with that. I want to hear perspectives from both men and women on how you would navigate my situation. If I’m being stupid I don’t mind the truth, and if you have advice even better.
To start, my relationship has always felt kinda rocky even in the beginning. I wasn’t sure if I was into it or just the feeling not dating for that ‘spark’ feeling because I was looking to date to marry. I have always been vocal about that to ward off any kind of casual relationship since I was looking for long term. I talked about masterbation and not wanting a partner that was lustful. I met my bf and we hit it off or it seemed we talked for hours over a drink and it was so easy. It felt nice and right. Fast forward when he asked me to be his girlfriend it was about 3weeks from our first date and I told him I was to leave town by late August of that year no matter what. He cried and agreed that he still wanted to date after telling me about his religious past. Our relationship was good we got along and enjoyed each other’s time. When I left our relationship felt so strange we wouldn’t talk as often. I told him we could break up if it was too hard but he was insistent he wanted the relationship. Then he confessed to kissing another woman on a drunken night with his friends on Halloween. At first he led me to believe that she kissed him and stuck to that story until recently which I will get to. We broke up for a little while after that but rekindled on my initiative since I felt I may have been too harsh what if he did just get kissed. After that our relationship was robbed of that solid trust. We continued long distance but he eventually moved in June of the next year which was around a year and a half into the relationship. We struggled at first with one another as any couple does. Then I found out he was following one of his ex’s on instagram. He quickly stopped when we had the discussion about it but it definitely didn’t help the mistrust that I was already dealing with. Then I caught him staring at another woman at the lake on 4th of July. It was really starting to take a toll on my self image on why he was doing these things to me after being forward with what my expectations were. At this point we’re about 2 and a half years into the relationship. In June of this year I found out he was lurking on another ex tik tok at this point I’m so tired of this conversation I didn’t react healthily. I would say this was one of our most toxic fights because we usually do not get toxic. He said things he couldn’t take back and so did I. It was this fight he finally confessed that he kissed that girl he cheated on me with back after years of leading me to believe his other story. We were on the verge of breaking up. A part of me felt like I was being over dramatic and insecure but I struggled with this thought because I established my boundaries before any and all that. We decided to go into couples counseling we went for a bit but then sought out personal therapy of each of us. It felt like we were finally turning a new leaf. We were being better with each other than I ever noticed in the entire relationship. Then it hit me. I found out he had an onlyfans account. I asked him about it trying to give him the space to be honest and he chose to lie to me with half truths. In my head I was like I cannot handle if he was paying for something that is free. I’ve never had a problem with him watching porn and I’ve told him this. Only fans though is a step past porn because it’s so personal. He lied to me by saying it had been years since he last used onlyfans so I asked him to sign in so we can see. He called me weird at first but proceeded to show me. On there he was active on the account our whole entire relationship. I also confirmed that for about 6months in our long distance relationship to the first 3 months of our living with relationship he was paying for subscriptions. He stopped paying but didn’t stop partaking in the content til about a week after we started going to therapy. He also revealed that he downloaded dating apps again during our long distance but didn’t meet up. I find it so deceptive that he still tried to lie while continuing to tell me that he was working on us to focus on us. I also remember specifically stating like a month ago I would definitely not be okay with my bf on onlyfans paying women for porn and he agreed and called guys that did that losers. I’m so flabbergasted but not….I really don’t know what to even feel maybe because I’m going through it all. I feel in my head I should cut my losses but it’s been so hard to just actually do it. What do yall think, any advice or perspectives any and all are welcomed.