I (30M) decided a few years ago that I don’t want to celebrate Christmas anymore. Christmas was a very unpleasant time for me and my sister (35F) as kids. My severely bipolar single father usually had violent manic episodes around this time of year and it was honestly traumatic for both of us.
My older sister and I are both estranged from our father now. Sister is happily married to my awesome BIL (35M) and they have given me two wonderful nephews (7M and 2M). We are all very close and even though we live a few hours apart, I still drive to go see them a couple times a month and babysit whenever they need me to.
BIL had a very different upbringing than Sister and I. BIL came from a very loving, stable, somewhat wealthy household and they always have lavish Christmas vacations. I love that for them! Sister deserves to have good Christmases where she can spoil her children after what we went through. However, I have no interest in traveling out of state (or country, sometimes) to celebrate a holiday that upsets me.
If they want to do Christmas at their house, fine. I can drive a few hours and hang out with my nephews and in-laws. That is absolutely no problem. I love all of them unconditionally. However, on the years they decide to travel (like this year) I am not interested in joining them.
So here’s the issue: no matter how many times I say “No thank you,” to their invites, I am completely ignored. Sister has already asked multiple times. BIL has asked multiple times. I always decline politely, because I know they’re just trying to make me feel welcome, though I do get the sense that they pity me because I am single and have no other family.
But then, last week, Sister called me and said: “Hey, I’ve got someone here who wants to talk to you…!”
I’d assumed she was going to put one of my nephews on the phone, but it was my BIL’s mom instead. His mom then proceeded to try and double-down to convince me to attend their Christmas shindig three states away. She said something like, “Sister tells me you’re gonna be all alone for Christmas! That sounds so sad! You really HAVE to come with us! You know we love you!”
I was put in an awkward position because BIL’s mom is SO SWEET, but I stood my ground, thanked her, and said no thank you AGAIN. She tried to cajole me a little, but she got the hint and we awkwardly hung up.
I am so LIVID at Sister, but I haven’t said anything to her about it. I just don’t understand why she can’t take a simple “no” as an answer and furthermore has to get her in-laws involved to guild-trip me into celebrating a holiday that makes me sad. I’m also mad that Sister gave her the impression that I’m all sad and alone on Christmas as if I need to be saved from it.
I got over it and went to Sister's house for Thanksgiving and it was a very low-key, lovely gathering. I played with my nephews, got tipsy with Sister, smoked a turkey with BIL over beers, and overall had a great time.
But as I was leaving the following afternoon (today) BIL halted me at the door and, once again pleaded with me to join them for Christmas. I was nice as I declined once again, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I was boiling inside.
I am so SICK of this. It’s the same thing every year. They KNOW that I’m not celebrating Christmas anymore and yet they still force the issue and then try to make me feel guilty about it. I’m a grown-ass adult. I don’t have to celebrate it if I don’t want to. Fucking leave me alone.
Like, am I being an asshole about this? I really don’t think I am, but I don’t think they’re necessarily being assholes either. They’re just trying to include me. I love them and we have a great relationship, but I’m so tired of my wants being ignored about celebrating Christmas every fucking year.
I'm starting to feel like I need to really lay it down and firmly tell them that if I say “No” that they need to respect it. But I almost feel like it would cause unneeded family drama (in Sister’s and I’s plethora of other family drama), but I really am stressed about it every time they ask.
In the past I’ve just let it slide, but it’s really starting to upset me. How can I be both clear and direct about this without Sister being mad and BIL + his family acting like I’m a lonely, bereft little lamb in NEED of just a little Christmas magic to make me less sour to the holiday?
UGH. I’m so frustrated!