Firstly, I would like to apologise if my English sounds stiff or unusual. I am not a native speaker.
Secondly, I would like to note that this is a throwaway account, since my girlfriend has my Reddit account.
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about six months. We met through a mutual friend (who later betrayed me and went insane for no reason, though this is not relevant) at my university (we are both in graduate school for different subjects). From the moment I had initially met her, I thought that she was attractive, though I did not attempt to or necessarily care to pursue a relationship. After we met a few times, we found out that we are both Slavic (she is a West Slav, and I am an Eastern Slav) and that we had both immigrated at similar ages to America (11-13 age range). While I am always pleased to find other fellow Slavs in America, it seems that she was much more enthusiastic than me about this fact. From that day on, she kept messaging me incessantly, claiming at times that "[I] am keeping [her] up" and other such things. I assumed that she was into me, and with some nudges from the aforementioned mutual friend, we started dating.
As we were both Slavs, we happened to be quite culturally compatible (an obstacle that I have not been able to over-come while dating American girls in the past). This led to quite an equal and reciprocal relationship forming between us, for the most part. In our entire six months, we never once thoughts, and when things that one of us may not have liked occurred, we spoke about it openly and in a rational, calm manner.
In general, I am quite reserved about physical touch and sexual contact. I have had some bad experiences in the past, and I am also a former germaphobe (yes, gloves and long clothes everywhere). She seemed mostly the same, although she claimed that she was not really averse to sexual relations. Eventually, we got to the point where we were comfortable enough to drink together. To put it politely, I am a bit more sexually liberal when I am intoxicated, and at several instances sexual relations between the both of us. These relations eventually occurred more often than not when we were sober. While this was all fine and good, I did notice that she did not seem to get off from any such activities to the extent that I did. I simply amounted this to me not being sufficiently experienced, so I took the time and effort to attempt to read guides and whatnot. This did not help.
This brings us to the incident. On a certain Saturday evening, while we were drinking over at my apartment, my girlfriend made the mistake of drinking two shots of vodka and two whole bottles of flavoured soju while I was finishing up some commitments. This led to her being extremely intoxicated to a level that I have never seen before, while I only had two shots of vodka. While I wanted to get intoxicated as well, I soon found out that my girlfriend cried when she got heavily intoxicated. Fortunately, she was crying because some of her classmates were rude, her professor graded her proposal too harshly, and because her mother was mean.
Seeing that she was probably not going to remember any of what is occurring, I did the immoral thing of starting to ask questions about our relationship that I cared to have honestly answered. The question of why she does not particularly seem to enjoy intercourse came up, and she answered, and I quote to the best of my ability:
"I think that the problem is that I do not really find you attractive, in, like, a sexual way, so it's kind of hard for me".
This hit me quite harshly. I asked her why she was dating me in the first place, then, and she said that "you're a nice guy, and [her culture] and [my culture] make the relationship easy". Her drinking soon caught up to her, and she began puking into my trashcan. All the while I was holding her and making sure that she is fine, I could not stop thinking about her words.
That was two weeks ago. From that day on, the way that I looked at our relationship changed significantly. In my mind, she was quite attractive, and if things went well for another half a year to year and the political and financial situation was right, I was willing to propose to her. After hearing what she said, though, I can not really fall back into that state of mind. It seems to me that this relationship is heavily one-sided, if not by measure of action, then by a measure of affection. I honestly do not care to be with someone who is simply not attracted to me; it also leaves me in quite a tough moral dilemma. Was she just going along with my sexual advances? If so, then that only makes me regret them tenfold. I can barely even hold her hand now. I am trying to find any way to rationalise her actions in a way that does not imply that she simply does not like me, and I can not find any such explanation.
My question is as such: Do women develop affection in a different way? Do they develop it later on in the relationship? Is this an indication that she simply does not like me?