I’m sure it’s incredibly normal to daydream of divorce but I’m thinking my situation maybe escalating. I 27 F am 28 weeks pregnant with my second son (first is 18 months). I am the breadwinner by a lot and my husband 28 M doesn’t understand the burdens.
To put it simply, I have figured everything out in our life. Every major hurdle, home buying process, his career path (even writing his resume and getting him a job), anything with our children. In the 18 months I’ve been postpartum or pregnant, he has lost a job, went through a depression, stayed home, went to school (I did half his school work) then returned back to work at a job I got him all while I provided for us 4 weeks after giving birth. I also breastfed and pumped for our son until 16 months old and did nights by myself. (He didn’t sleep through the night until he was weaned) I work full time and once a week I work from home AND take care of our son to cut back on child care cost. I’m so exhausted from it all, I barely clean. This leaves him to do our laundry and pick up the kitchen (the rest of the house is a constant disaster since I’ve stopped doing it) and he acts like he does SO much. He is an amazing hands on dad but anytime he’s taking care of our son without me or I step away I can FEEL the guilt. He never flat out says it but he says it without saying it if that makes sense???? It’s like his emotions are so “him” centric he can’t even see me or begin to understand the weight I carry. Like i’m literally pregnant. Never in 18 months have I stepped away for a nap or chosen to be away from my son. Sometimes I take 20 minutes in the morning to wake up before coming down and I even feel guilted for that. I guess I could do more I just don’t have it in me right now. My job is so high stress it put me in the hospital because I had a mini stroke. I’m fearful of losing my job because my partner is unreliable in that sense.
It’s hard not to build resentment to him. When he needed me to step up, I did, even postpartum. Now I need him and it’s judgement and side eyes. Having a partner look at you like that sucks. I hate the way he talks to me to but I have to admit I’m no better, I’m bitter. I don’t think I’m upset about anything but the fact that he treats me as if I’m not the one drowning. If I felt seen things might be different?
I feel like at the end of the day all I care about is being a good mother. I’m so stretched thin, I find myself digging in the bottom of the barrel for my son. I can feel myself falling apart and my son not getting the best of me. Im a bit against daycare but mentioned to my husband I don’t see another solution that allows me to be the mom I want to be too. This last WFH day broke me as my son begged to play while I distracted him to work. He even started to act out to get my attention which is so unlike him. My husband seemed disgusted at the thought but what am I left to do? I don’t want my son to not be the magical human he’s capable of because of me. I dream about a divorce but I know that only will complicate things more. It’s not even the idea of finding a 50/50 partner. I feel like I’m so bitter from everything it would just be nice to be alone alone.
This is a ramble but anyone out there in the same boat?
4 comments
I’m not in the same boat and cannot imagine how how truly exhausting that must be and how alone you must feel but wanted to say how respectfully I feel you’ve communicated your situation and suggest that you see a therapist who could professionally support you so you can have someone there to help you communicate things with your husband and support you to communicate needs for him to step up or alternatively support you in finding a new life and divorcing- which doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me after hearing what you are going through. I can tell from what you’ve said that it’s not that he doesn’t help, it’s that he adds so much to your burden and you are already taking on the weight of the world. You are so strong and inspiring! You can definitely get through this. I wish you the absolute best and hope no matter where your path leads, you and those you love are safe and content.
Why do you keep doing everything for him? Stop it
Who is caring for your son on the days you are in the office? And why cannot your son be in care on the day you work from home? Caring for an active toddler is a full time job and you shouldn’t be trying to WFH and take care of him at the same time or you’ll end up failing at one of them as you’re already realizing.
It sounds like you have two children and a third on the way. My best friend from high school went through a similar situation. After 5 years of parenting her husband she decided that was enough. They divorced, no kids. I’ll tell you what’s worse than complicating things by getting divorced though. Wasting your life with the wrong person. I did that; 24 years with a man I knew 5 years in was the wrong one. But we had kids and I didn’t “believe in” divorce so I stayed until I couldn’t anymore. I’m not telling you to get divorced. I’m just telling you that this is not an equal partnership, and if you resent something (which who wouldn’t) you either need to accept it or change it.